[serbrider]

I never really knew what to call it... I called it hyper focus to myself because that's what it seemed like... a very extreme form of focus...

Usually I can break myself out of it... at least to do something like use the restroom or eat food...

But this past weekend has been a complete nightmare...

First it was with deep cleaning and organizing my apartment, which was a mess at the time. Ended up passing out on the bed at around 4 in the morning. Woke up the following morning at 8 where I was randomly messing around on the internet and trying to go back to sleep... and then an idea caught hold in my mind... to go through youtube and find every single video of service dogs doing tasks, put them in a playlist.

I spent over 8 hours in the same position doing just that.

Only reason I stopped at that time was because it was a "pause" point since I had already found all the videos, and the next thing was to organize them into smaller and more specific playlists. And forced myself to go drive a friend... because it freaked me out so much that I had just lost over 8 hours to that... but when I got back from helping the friend, it was still on my mind, and I went back to it, to go through over 750 videos and divide them into smaller playlists... I didn't stop until 5 this morning... and couldn't fall asleep, so I started trying to get some work done.

I'm now at the office... and honestly not sure how I'm functional... I've eaten almost nothing, a bit dehydrated (slowly trying to force stuff down now), shaking, weak, and I feel like I'm going to pass out... and not the nice pass out in bed...

And while I think this might have been one of the worst "episodes" of this... it's far from the first, or the only really bad one...

I'm not sure if it's directly related to ADD or something else... most of what I was seeing online about it was related to ADD... hence mentioning it in this thread.

And I'm getting frustrated by what I'm reading from Dr Google because most people seem to be talking about it like some sort of wonderful and glorious superpower... and to me it's more like a curse... I'm not myself. I'm a robot who has to finish... or die trying... like... if I wasn't limited by only 750-800 youtube videos... I'd still be at it... without having done more than maybe gotten a glass or two of water and used the restroom... without leaving my laptop or stopping what I was doing.

Just... I don't know.

It'll be another week and a half before I can see my psychiatrist... but I can't live like this... I have other physical and mental conditions that already screw me up just even with a normal schedule... and with this added in... I don't know what to do.

I live alone except for my two cats, dog, and service dog... and so far I've been able to "successfully" ignore all of them the entire time... regardless of what they were doing... which turned out to be getting into my trash can and making a giant mess right in front of me...

[serbrider]

Oh, and I do have a prior diagnosis of ADD that I take Adderall as needed for.

None was taken this weekend though. Last bit was early Friday morning to help me concentrate at work... only 10 mg... and my dosage is 20 mg BID...

[lavendersage]

I'm too exhausted to recount them right now but I've done stuff like this. I totally get the "must do this or die trying" thing. Me too.

Haven't done it tons and tons but its definitely been more than once or twice.

Yet I'm fully expecting the psychologist reviewing the ADHD tests he had me, my oldest sister (for my childhood OP perspective) and my boyfriend fill out to come back with a non-ADHD diagnosis. I didn't display the crap I do now when I was little and "there is no such thing as adolescent or adult-onset ADHD".

My *** there isn't. It probably took this damm long to show up cause I was distracted and procrastinating over it!!