[Claire2015]

My cousin is in a relationship with a non-ADD'er and i am concerned for him as he doesn't think the relationship is bad. He has lost friends who told him his girlfriend isn't right for him. He gets defensive whenever someone airs their opinion about the relationship.

I recently texted him saying so and so are saying this about your relationship why do you think that is? And are you okay with that? But all i got was a heated argumentative response. His mother text me often saying how she didn't like her, he can do better and that after seeing her nearly everyday for a year didn't make her like his girlfriend more infact it only made it worse.

I then got a message from his girlfriend having a go at me for trying to break them up, lying to him, making his family hate her etc. Basically blaming me for everything, this lead my cousin to believe we were all jealous and against him..... Even his own mother... Crazy right? Anyway i had enough of this cause it was the 5/6th time she had a go at me so i showed her the texts that his mum sent me saying how she thinks he can do better etc etc.

I feel so guilty for how i acted cause i ended up really hurting my cousin just trying to show him the truth. He won't speak to me and said i was dead to him... So i don't know what i can do to have him back in my life... He is family so i can't believe he put her before his own family.

Anywho my question is does ADHD make it harder for people to let things go? If you deal with drama on a daily basis is it easy to push people away once they make you feel a certain way you don't like feeling? Does it take longer for ADHD'ers to forgive people?

Thanks

Claire

[kanasi]

Why do the people you mentioned think she isn't right for him? Maybe I missed it but I didn't see a reason in your post for people to be questioning/interfering with a relationship he's happy with? I don't see what this has to do with ADHD, or why it would matter even if it did have to do with ADHD.

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by kanasi

Why do the people you mentioned think she isn't right for him? Maybe I missed it but I didn't see a reason in your post for people to be questioning/interfering with a relationship he's happy with? I don't see what this has to do with ADHD, or why it would matter even if it did have to do with ADHD.

Thank you for responding, sorry i didn't make it clear why we have issues with her. The main one is that she has turned his friends against him.. She's made him believe that everyone is against him. She wants him all to herself so she doesn't enable him to have a life other than with her. Not only does she expect him to spend 24/7 with her or talking to her but she also gets jealous if anyone else spends time with him. She looks at everyone as a threat and is becoming his everything (literally) if he hasn't got her he won't have many people that aren't family as she pushed them away arguing and accusing them of being jealous or misjudging her.

We all feel that although he is happy he is sacraficing a lot just to keep the relationship a float. It then makes me wonder if he pushes people away as part of a defence mechanism of ADHD or because he is scared of losing her as she is pretty much all he has. When numerous people say the same thing chances are it's because something is wrong. I understand it might not have anything to do with ADHD but if it does it may explain his actions and why he is so quick to get defensive, push people away and not speak to people who disagree with him.

I want to help him but i don't know how, if ADHD has a part to play at least we could work on that aspect of it.

Thanks again

Claire

[kanasi]

All right then. In that case, I think the best thing to do is be patient and avoid giving the impression that he's been cut off. Maybe try to send the message you miss having him in your lives. The rest is up to him As long as he knows his friends and his family will be there for him no matter what, you've met him half way and he can come join you at any time. After that point, only if you believe there are serious problems like verbal or other abuse going on would you want to take further action.

Meanwhile I doubt this is all that related to ADHD. Again, even if it was, you're not a psychologist and can't treat it. Treat him like you would treat anyone else in the same situation.

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by kanasi

All right then. In that case, I think the best thing to do is be patient and avoid giving the impression that he's been cut off. Maybe try to send the message you miss having him in your lives. The rest is up to him As long as he knows his friends and his family will be there for him no matter what, you've met him half way and he can come join you at any time. After that point, only if you believe there are serious problems like verbal or other abuse going on would you want to take further action.

Meanwhile I doubt this is all that related to ADHD. Again, even if it was, you're not a psychologist and can't treat it. Treat him like you would treat anyone else in the same situation.

Thank you for responding i'll try that it's just hard to sit back and watch him do this to himself ya know? Thing is he has now lost his friends, he has one or two here and there but they don't look out for him or care they just like his bubbly personality. I was hoping that if it was ADHD related we could get him treated or go through therapy or learn management strategies. I worry if i treat him like anyone else without the condition it will only make things worse. I always try to sugar coat things so they don't overwhelm him or make him feel like he is being attacked especially if it's personal ya know?

Thank you again

Claire

[kanasi]

Sorry I wrote a novel here, but I hope you'll read everything I wrote.

Originally Posted by Claire2015

Thank you for responding i'll try that it's just hard to sit back and watch him do this to himself ya know? Thing is he has now lost his friends, he has one or two here and there but they don't look out for him or care they just like his bubbly personality.

If you know for a fact there is something like psychological abuse going on (which is possible, IF she is persistently interfering with/deciding who he can interact with), then the best thing you can do is NOT to tell him what to do just like she might be doing, but to do the opposite: remind him he has choices.

Both in your words and in your actions (by setting an example in your own lives and by remaining available to him unlike the "friends" that you say dropped him), people close to anyone who unfortunately happens to be in an abusive relatinship have to consistently remind the person he can CHOOSE to talk to any loved one and that you will be ready at any time. (Make sure that's true by the way. The last thing he needs is to finally decide he's going to talk to someone and then the first thing out of that person's mouth is "I can't believe you dated someone like her" or "So you're finally getting rid of her," or something equally judgmental). If he has been hearing that kind of thing from anybody, regardless of how terrible she actually is, I wouldn't blame him for getting defensive.

Understand that IF she is abusive, what she is doing is slowly taking his belief that he has choices away. So the best thing you can do is jam that narrative up. Counteract it by reminding him how much choice he DOES have. Keep asking him to tell you all about how he's doing, what he's been up to lately, what he's doing for fun/that keeps him happy (i.e. use ways to remind him without saying so that no one should be dependent on having a partner to be happy-- think of it a bit like an advertising campaign or Inception or something-- you want him to believe it's his own idea what he does next and it's not just another person telling him what to do-- except that he does get to make his own choices and be proud of them). Keep generally checking up that he's living a full and happy life. If he isn't, then ASK him why he isn't happy or if there's anything he feels he's missing out on. Don't draw your own conclusions; ask questions about why he doesn't think he's happy (if he isn't).

If you think he's lying when he says he's happy, then he probably already knows it himself and just isn't ready to do anything about it yet. Short of him being in immediate danger, you have to TRUST him to come to his own conclusions that something's wrong. In the meantime, don't stop spending time with him just because he says no to the offer a couple of times. If he tells you that he doesn't want you to ask anymore, then be vulnerable and tell him you (presumably) feel hurt, and if he's not riled up, maybe ask why he doesn't want to spend time with you. Avoid letting him feel like the only reason you want to talk to him is to "pester" him about his girlfriend. Ask, don't tell.

Think of how you would feel if you believed you were happy in a romantic relationship yet all these people were "attacking" your choice of who to date. Any person in that situation is going to get at least a little defensive.

I was hoping that if it was ADHD related we could get him treated or go through therapy or learn management strategies. I worry if i treat him like anyone else without the condition it will only make things worse. I always try to sugar coat things so they don't overwhelm him or make him feel like he is being attacked especially if it's personal ya know?

I still don't understand what difference you think ADHD would make. A trained therapist/psychologist wouldn't treat this kind of issue any differently just because someone happens to have ADHD.

Dealing with a higher than average level of hyperactivity/impulsivity/inattentiveness/forgetfulness/perseveration doesn't make you any less intelligent or perceptive or resourceful than others-- and yes that is what you are implying by insisting on tying ADHD to this.

ADHD can only affect relationships in ways that are related to ADHD. For example, people misunderstand your inattentiveness/forgetfulness/perseveration and think you don't care, or your impulsivity leads you to fail to hold back when you get emotional (be it joy, sadness, fear, rage), or people see how hyperactive you are and just plain avoid you out of second-hand embarrassment. These are things that can hurt and can shape a person's life somewhat, but those secondary aspects of hurt are not part of the ADHD! They are part of the lifetime of positive and negative experiences that ALL people build up in their lives. For example, a neurotypical person who happened to be bullied as a kid may find it shapes part of their outlook or some of the choices they make. Does that mean you can then go and assume that EVERYTHING the person does in his/her life is because they were/are being bullied?

Please remember that every symptom of ADHD is related to hyperactivity, and/or impulsivity, and/or inattentiveness, and/or forgetfulness, and/or perseveration. Leading researcher Dr. Russell Barkley is also adamant people with ADHD do not have their entire personalities or levels of ability defined by whichever combination of ADHD behaviours they happen to have. It is one of many layers of who we are and defines no one's behaviour entirely.

Anything beyond actual symptoms of ADHD is specific to that person's upbringing/life experience and/or possible comorbid disorders and not something just anybody with ADHD would be able to speak to.

So instead, I've spoken to this as someone who knows a few things about abusive relationships (in general), and how people who are trying to "help" sometimes fall into the trap of being judgmental, patronizing, or condescending, and thereby push away abuse victims. Further to that, I highly recommend you talk to groups for victims of abuse (as long as they aren't specifically groups for women victims of course). This forum has one here:
Survivors of Abuse - Forums at Psych Central
Perhaps you can respectfully ask the people in that section if you think what your cousin is going through sounds like abusive behaviour. You might have to give more details to be sure.

Though the verbal abuse I personally received wasn't from a romantic partner, I have been on both sides of this (including both as a not-so-effective but well-meaning advice giver and then eventually as someone who has hopefully learned a little now about making sure I am empowering the other person).

Further, if you haven't already, I highly recommend you take the time to absorb Brené Brown's videos on shame and vulnerability (all are on Youtube). Not just the most famous one but all of them. Read her books if you can. It will help you understand how and why people put up defences and don't open up.

[unbreakablej]

In any case, can I just say that, sometimes you can't judge love. And if your cousin is happy, just let him be. Who are you guys to judge whether the relationship is good for him or not?

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by kanasi

Sorry I wrote a novel here, but I hope you'll read everything I wrote.

If you know for a fact there is something like psychological abuse going on (which is possible, IF she is persistently interfering with/deciding who he can interact with), then the best thing you can do is NOT to tell him what to do just like she might be doing, but to do the opposite: remind him he has choices.

Both in your words and in your actions (by setting an example in your own lives and by remaining available to him unlike the "friends" that you say dropped him), people close to anyone who unfortunately happens to be in an abusive relatinship have to consistently remind the person he can CHOOSE to talk to any loved one and that you will be ready at any time. (Make sure that's true by the way. The last thing he needs is to finally decide he's going to talk to someone and then the first thing out of that person's mouth is "I can't believe you dated someone like her" or "So you're finally getting rid of her," or something equally judgmental). If he has been hearing that kind of thing from anybody, regardless of how terrible she actually is, I wouldn't blame him for getting defensive.

Understand that IF she is abusive, what she is doing is slowly taking his belief that he has choices away. So the best thing you can do is jam that narrative up. Counteract it by reminding him how much choice he DOES have. Keep asking him to tell you all about how he's doing, what he's been up to lately, what he's doing for fun/that keeps him happy (i.e. use ways to remind him without saying so that no one should be dependent on having a partner to be happy-- think of it a bit like an advertising campaign or Inception or something-- you want him to believe it's his own idea what he does next and it's not just another person telling him what to do-- except that he does get to make his own choices and be proud of them). Keep generally checking up that he's living a full and happy life. If he isn't, then ASK him why he isn't happy or if there's anything he feels he's missing out on. Don't draw your own conclusions; ask questions about why he doesn't think he's happy (if he isn't).

If you think he's lying when he says he's happy, then he probably already knows it himself and just isn't ready to do anything about it yet. Short of him being in immediate danger, you have to TRUST him to come to his own conclusions that something's wrong. In the meantime, don't stop spending time with him just because he says no to the offer a couple of times. If he tells you that he doesn't want you to ask anymore, then be vulnerable and tell him you (presumably) feel hurt, and if he's not riled up, maybe ask why he doesn't want to spend time with you. Avoid letting him feel like the only reason you want to talk to him is to "pester" him about his girlfriend. Ask, don't tell.

Think of how you would feel if you believed you were happy in a romantic relationship yet all these people were "attacking" your choice of who to date. Any person in that situation is going to get at least a little defensive.

I still don't understand what difference you think ADHD would make. A trained therapist/psychologist wouldn't treat this kind of issue any differently just because someone happens to have ADHD.

Dealing with a higher than average level of hyperactivity/impulsivity/inattentiveness/forgetfulness/perseveration doesn't make you any less intelligent or perceptive or resourceful than others-- and yes that is what you are implying by insisting on tying ADHD to this.

ADHD can only affect relationships in ways that are related to ADHD. For example, people misunderstand your inattentiveness/forgetfulness/perseveration and think you don't care, or your impulsivity leads you to fail to hold back when you get emotional (be it joy, sadness, fear, rage), or people see how hyperactive you are and just plain avoid you out of second-hand embarrassment. These are things that can hurt and can shape a person's life somewhat, but those secondary aspects of hurt are not part of the ADHD! They are part of the lifetime of positive and negative experiences that ALL people build up in their lives. For example, a neurotypical person who happened to be bullied as a kid may find it shapes part of their outlook or some of the choices they make. Does that mean you can then go and assume that EVERYTHING the person does in his/her life is because they were/are being bullied?

Please remember that every symptom of ADHD is related to hyperactivity, and/or impulsivity, and/or inattentiveness, and/or forgetfulness, and/or perseveration. Leading researcher Dr. Russell Barkley is also adamant people with ADHD do not have their entire personalities or levels of ability defined by whichever combination of ADHD behaviours they happen to have. It is one of many layers of who we are and defines no one's behaviour entirely.

Anything beyond actual symptoms of ADHD is specific to that person's upbringing/life experience and/or possible comorbid disorders and not something just anybody with ADHD would be able to speak to.

So instead, I've spoken to this as someone who knows a few things about abusive relationships (in general), and how people who are trying to "help" sometimes fall into the trap of being judgmental, patronizing, or condescending, and thereby push away abuse victims. Further to that, I highly recommend you talk to groups for victims of abuse (as long as they aren't specifically groups for women victims of course). This forum has one here:
Survivors of Abuse - Forums at Psych Central
Perhaps you can respectfully ask the people in that section if you think what your cousin is going through sounds like abusive behaviour. You might have to give more details to be sure.

Though the verbal abuse I personally received wasn't from a romantic partner, I have been on both sides of this (including both as a not-so-effective but well-meaning advice giver and then eventually as someone who has hopefully learned a little now about making sure I am empowering the other person).

Further, if you haven't already, I highly recommend you take the time to absorb Brené Brown's videos on shame and vulnerability (all are on Youtube). Not just the most famous one but all of them. Read her books if you can. It will help you understand how and why people put up defences and don't open up.

Thank you so much for replying it means alot, sorry for the late response i haven't been online much recently cause of work. I understand where you're coming from so if i just make him feel more comfortable he will start to find being single more appealing than being with her. Give him the decision to quit when it gets too much for him and just be excepting whether or not he follows through with it.

I do try to tie it in with ADHD i am still learning about it, i think a lot of the drama he has delt with over the years has something to do with how people percieve his ADHD which may of caused comorbidity conditions like borderline personality disorder or possible post traumatic stress disorder etc.

It's just tough watching someone you love being treated like that you know? I will take your advice on board thank you again for taking the time to write all that

Thanks

Claire

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by unbreakablej

In any case, can I just say that, sometimes you can't judge love. And if your cousin is happy, just let him be. Who are you guys to judge whether the relationship is good for him or not?

Thank you for sharing that i appreciate it i understand where you're coming from but we know him on a personal level whereas she doesn't... As much as she thinks she does.. We don't like the way he is in a manipulative relationship and hope he finds someone who treats him how he deserves. At the moment it's a very one sided relationship.

Thank you

Claire