Our story, help please!

clw51 · Feb 22, 2018, 07:59 PM

First, thanks so much for being here. A place where I can come and give my story and hopefully find advice on getting our daughter the help she needs and for me learning how to cope and be the Mom she needs . I am sorry this will be so long, but it has been a long journey and I will try to make it a brief as I can.

We saw no indications of anything out of the ordinary with our daughter when she was growing up. We thought it was normal teen behavior and irresponsibility and laziness of our daughter's part. So we addressed it accordingly when she was growing up. No one in her life, no teacher or counselor, ever told us anything that they noticed wrong with her. I can't tell you how many times she has moved out only to move right back in within 6 months. The longest time she has been out of our house since graduating High School is 9 months.

Background:
Our daughter was our 4th child born when I was 37 years old. She was born with Spina Bifida Occulta that we discovered when she was 3 years old when I felt a small dip in her backbone. She was missing a vertebrae tip on one vertebrae. We had her checked out and all was well at that point.

She had a normal childhood. At least we thought it was normal. She had three older brothers. All of her brothers are fine and have launched into adulthood and are very successful in their careers and they all have wonderful families.

We had no signs of our daughter having any issues as she grew up. She had what we thought were normal teen issues. Like doing her homework and forgetting to turn it in. Being rebellious as a teen, she went to teen parties a lot, etc. Then after high school she was sort of lost as to what she wanted to do. She had very little focus for a life goal. She had lots of High School drama with friends. She started several schooling programs and would always quit before she got done.

Medical/Mental issues:
In her late teens she also developed a raised place (sort of a small hunch back like bump) on her spine at the base of her neck. We had it checked out and she was also in pain in her neck and shoulder. She has disc bulges that are very painful. She also has a heart rate that is way too high. Over 100 resting and it jumps all around. Any exercise makes her breathing difficult. She has blackout spells several times a day. Now she says this latest DR she went to last month says she has ADHD and PTSD. All of this discovered recently! She is 29. The PTSD is from the stress of memories of things that happened to her as a child and in her teens that we knew nothing about! We were shocked to hear these memories, and her story details changed months later as well. So I am at a loss as to take them seriously or not. Either way they are real to her and are effecting her negatively.

Symptoms:
She has been married twice and divorced twice. Can't seem to have a successful relationship. Has two kids, one from each marriage. She finds it very difficult to get anything done that she is suppose to do. She needs to apply for state aid but just doesn't. She got a traffic ticket and just ignored or forgot about it. Now the fine is over $1000 and her license is suspended.

Over the years she has been in 3 traffic accidents, all her fault, none serious. She seems very self centered in her thinking. She can't hold a job. Hates working with people. Wants to have an online job so she doesn't have to work with people. She can't hold a regular job. She either can't stand the people or she can't focus to do the job, or just doesn't like the job.

She loses her Dr license at least twice a year so it has to be replaced. She misplaces important things a lot. She doesn't put important things away for safe keeping and then later when needed can't find them. I find her Dr license laying around the house all the time. Why it isn't in her wallet, I don't know. She lost her birth certificate years ago. She never picks up after herself. Doesn't put away food she gets out, just leaves it open in the kitchen. She has trouble with time sensitive things, like paying bills on time.

With her kids, she loses patience with them very easily. She raises her voice a lot to them and I can hear her voice getting louder as she talks to them. I don't know if that somehow is related to her condition or not, or the pain she is in.

Many of these things she can't seem to do are just normal for mature adults to do, but she can't seem to do them. She also hates talking on the phone. So if a DR appt needs changing or to be cancelled, she just doesn't do it. She doesn't do any housework to help out, doesn't do her and the kids laundry or cleaning up after herself. She is very messy, clutter doesn't seem to bother her. I used to have to ground her as a kid to get her to clean up her room.

To a parent of a normal child all this looks like irresponsibility and laziness. And when I ask her to do something or remind her of something she should do, she says OK but usually doesn't do it. Or I get told she doesn't do things on my schedule. I wait and then I end up doing it for my sanity, which I know is bad, but I am a neatnick.

Other info:
The ADHD helps explain a lot of this behavior. We have an adult grandson and he had ADHD and Aspergers so I know a bit about ADHD behavior, but not in adults so much. The PTSD is new to me. According to this new Dr., our daughter has Anxiety, ADHD and PTSD with heart rate issues, black out issues and pain dealing with the disc bulges. Our daughter never has dealt with stress well at all.

She tried moving out on her own about a year ago. She really wants to be independent. During this time she had very little contact with us. Only when she needed a baby sitter. She got an apt. and was there 4 months and one day was locked out. She had no idea why! Found out she forgot to pay the rent and didn't make any arrangements with them, just ignored it or forgot about it and one day she came back and found the apt. locks were changed. To this day she says she paid them plus late fees. She lost everything she and the kids had. They wouldn't let her back in and she didn't fight it at all. Her phone was getting shut off every month because she didn't realize it was time to pay the bill.

She did have an old car at this time and ended up moving in with a friend. That didn't last but a couple of months and she moved in with another friend. That didn't last as this friend wanted all the money she was able to make, which wasn't much. So she ended up asking us if she could move back in for a couple weeks. LOL! Because of the kids, we agreed.

Two weeks turned into two months and then she went to the DR and because he told her that her body was basically shutting down because of all the stress, anxiety and her not eating well, two months became indefinite. The dr said she needed to not work at all and focus on eating three meals a day and breathing and resting. He gave her B12 shots and pills to take. We can't afford the blood tests yet. It was over $500 just for that one visit with the shots and pills. She only remembers to take them about 50% of the time. When she does take them she feels better. She has a lot of trouble sleeping at night. Her hours are all messed up.

And needless to say, living with an adult child with two grandkids here is hard of us. I have the responsibility of the children most of the time and my husband who, for health reasons, needs to retire soon, feels like he can't with having to financially support an additional family now. She is not so hateful this time around so far. She has been back with us 4 months now.

Need help:
I want to get her the help she needs if we can afford it. She insists on a Naturopathic doctor which we took her to and he is the one who put her on the shots and pills.

Last week she came crying to us saying she can't seem to “adult” and feels so guilty about it and all the money we spend on her and the kids. We said we would do what we could to help her, she told us she needed a room of her own. And a therapy pet would help her feel better. So we have moved things around in our small home and cleared a room for her and the kids. We got her a pet, she picked out a cat.

Being the youngest child, she can manipulate. It is hard for me to tell when she is sincere and when she is manipulating. She may not even know the difference herself. But all I can think of is she cried and pulled on our heart strings and got what she wanted.

One last thing, for three years now she has been on medical MJ. Legal in AZ. She says it helps her pain and her anxiety. It is costly and now she expects us to pay for it. We paid the $300 per year for her medical card too. Not to mention we hate being around that smelly stuff. It is banned to the outside!

Oh and to top it off, her daughter has ADHD as well and was diagnosed at age 4 or 5. So we have an ADHD mother trying to raise an ADHD daughter while she tries to understand her own ADHD in our house. Needless to say they clash a lot. I don't think our daughter handles her daughter's ADHD reactions very calmly. Our granddaughter is not on any medication for her ADHD. Her teacher has recommended an IEP for her, but our daughter needs to go talk to the principal about it and it will probably take forever to get our daughter to do that.

So I am at a loss as to what help is out there for her and/or us or where to look for help. She has no medical insurance, no job, nothing. We are paying for everything and the DR is cash only and is very expensive. We can't afford that with facing retirement. And what is going to happen to her after we are no longer able to help her? She is convinced she is unable to work at this time. I can't even get her to sell things on Ebay which she did for a while and was doing pretty well at it. It seems she is just happy doing nothing. It is hard for me to tell if it is a mental/medical issue or just plain laziness and immaturity. Not sure which of us need help the most. LOL!

Thanks for reading through all this.
Connie

Skeezyks · Feb 24, 2018, 07:46 PM

Llama_Llama44 · Feb 24, 2018, 08:07 PM

I'd like to try to be helpful, but you have two posts and they are long, and I'm not really sure what you want feedback on the most. Any chance you could summarize and / or bold the important points? ...if you want fellow ADHDers help, you need to make it a little more ADHD friendly

If some of it is you just need to vent / hugs, that's fine, too...

Nammu · Feb 24, 2018, 08:11 PM

Welcome to PC. It sounds like an overwhelming situation. Personally I'd agree to help pay for a regular doctor but not a naturopathic doc, if she wants that she can pay for it. Yes she needs help, find a social worker for her. Drive her to the state aid places and help her fill out the paperwork. She may have problems buts she's depending on you to pick up the slack so she doesn't have to. Do find a therapist for you, you need someone to help support you.

Llama_Llama44 · Feb 24, 2018, 08:18 PM

Nammu's advice sounds pretty sound though.

clw51 · Feb 24, 2018, 08:45 PM

Thank you all for your insight. I first want to apologize for not writing in an ADHD friendly way. I know very little about that sort of thing. I am just learning about how to be ADHD friendly.
Thanks so much for the links, I will check them out. And Nammu, you are spot on with your insight! Thanks!!

Llama_Llama44 · Feb 24, 2018, 09:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by clw51

Thank you all for your insight. I first want to apologize for not writing in an ADHD friendly way. I know very little about that sort of thing. I am just learning about how to be ADHD friendly.
Thanks so much for the links, I will check them out. And Nammu, you are spot on with your insight! Thanks!!

No apologies necessary, and I can only really speak for myself- reading can take a fair amount of effort / mental energy for some of us though.

From my experience (as a child in a pretty ADHD heavy household), I would say that whatever can be done to keep things at home feeling safe and calm would be good (easier said than done, I know). SOMEONE needs to make sure the kids have some sort of structure and routine, and some self-esteem would be nice, too... hopefully that can be the parents.

I agree that you can't take this all on by yourself! I just thought I'd add my thoughts (not having read your posts fully tbh).

clw51 · Feb 24, 2018, 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Llama_Llama44

No apologies necessary, and I can only really speak for myself- reading can take a fair amount of effort / mental energy for some of us though.

From my experience (as a child in a pretty ADHD heavy household), I would say that whatever can be done to keep things at home feeling safe and calm would be good (easier said than done, I know). SOMEONE needs to make sure the kids have some sort of structure and routine, and some self-esteem would be nice, too... hopefully that can be the parents.

I agree that you can't take this all on by yourself! I just thought I'd add my thoughts (not having read your posts fully tbh).

I understand we are all different. My daughter loves to read and write. Our daughter is divorced and there is no good father influence in the grandkids lives. Our daughter gets so easily frustrated at her kids. Being unable to give herself a routine, she is not good at giving her children a routine. However she does try, but it falls through regularly. I do what I can but our daughter wants to be the mother and we are secondary when it comes to the kids and that is how it should be. But I see a lot that could be better. I am being patient and trying to learn how to best help.
Thanks for your insight.

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