[vegava]

My ADHD spouse was active (almost aggressive) about sex before we were married. Right after the wedding her desire dropped like a rock. She is not on medication and though she did have her period soon after the honeymoon her lack of desire continued even after her cycle. She said it was related to her ADHD and even said that it was because she was now "comfortable" with me. What happened?

[Rhapsody]

I wish I had an answer for you, but sadly I do not - but I still wanted you to know that we are here for you.... so please share and talk as you need - then maybe we can find the answer with in the conversation.

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by vegava

What happened?

Like Rhapsody so fairly stated,,I don't know if any of us can give you "the" answer to your question vegava but it certainly is worth seeking one...

I would suggest an honest conversation with your wife,,without pressure..asking her to be as honest as she can...

Maybe seeing a third party professional at some point to look at the issue and get some direction..

For some folks it is the chase that is appealing and exciting...once caught,,well its not so edgy anymore...

Welcome...

Lenny

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by vegava

My ADHD spouse was active (almost aggressive) about sex before we were married. Right after the wedding her desire dropped like a rock. She is not on medication and though she did have her period soon after the honeymoon her lack of desire continued even after her cycle. She said it was related to her ADHD and even said that it was because she was now "comfortable" with me. What happened?

Vegava--dang that's tough! I'm sorry that your having a problem with this now. I don't see how it is in any way related to ADHD in her case though. The explanation of after marriage stopping sex because she was allegedly "now comfortable" with you is gobbledeeguk; a "non-sequitor"--it does not follow.

Adults with ADHD can sometimes be unaroused (usually only intermittently) due to inattention to the task at hand. If you can't focus enough on the task and are unable to be in the moment, then it is quite difficult to become aroused. I don't think that is what she said her problem is though.
She might have ADHD, but I don't think that's the reason behind her lack of desire. She should have been "comfortable" with you prior to marriage, which only leads to a question---if she was uncomfortable with you before marriage, why is she only comfortable now?

Also, being aggressive about sex is not normal either. The two polar opposites here really is a difficult thing for me to understand. One would also think that it is the being comfortable with someone aspect that allows you to open up and get close to them, not push them away. Whatever her reason for her low sex drive is, I really don't think her explanation of "it's ADHD" is accurate, even if she really does think that's the reason. If this goes too far, the frustration can hurt your new marriage.

An easy way to rule out the ADHD as the culprit would be to actually TREAT the ADHD--which you said she doesn't take medication for. I'll assume she doesn't see a therapist for it either. Tell her you'd like her to get treated for the ADHD--get her into a psychologist who has experience with ADHD in adults, and have them do a full assessment. Since who knows how long it has been since she's been diagnosed (maybe childhood?), it's worth a reassessment. You also need to rule out other diagnosis and medical causes for her problems. If medication is a good idea, the psychologist can refer her to a general practitioner or a psychiatrist to try a trial of medication for ADHD (and rule out medical causes of the aggression to the lack of libido). The psychologist can write a report and share information with the MD (with her signed consent).

I'd really press this now so that you don't get into deeper problems later.
Good luck.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by vegava

She said it was related to her ADHD and even said that it was because she was now "comfortable" with me.

Vegava, I have ADHD but I've also experienced some SA. I know in past relationships including my current marriage, I start out OK with sex then something happens an I totally lose all interest in being physically close. After reaching that threshold sex becomes an activity to be tolerated. I tend to believe that this situation is more directly related to the SA than the ADHD. However, I think the ADHD certainly confounds the situation. Not begin dx as a child, being negatively treated by adults who didn't understand, having various hypersensativities, having guilt about past impulsvity, bah...bah... bah... ADHD often times creates a tangled web of mental disconnections, confusion, social cueing issues, and mistreatment that if left untreated can create dysfunction in other areas.

I would recommend that you seek assistance for this problem. Left untreated it will likely get even more entangled with other issues and maybe never be fixable.