[mitcho94]

Hi! I´m 19 years here on this forum because I´m not feeling very well. Most are related to self esteem issues. I live with my mum dad, dog and two older brothers.

I saw that there was line about Autism and Asperger. One of my brother has Autism. I think that there´s a little sorrow in me because of that. It´s very hard for him to show care and many times he screams at me, neighbours and he´s quite violent. It feels very wrong for me to say this but I´m not sure I like him. I know I love him. He´s my brother and we´ve shared our childhood. but I fear I may not actually like him. I feel very sad to say that. Though he have hurt me in many ways both psysical and foremost emotional. I feel unsafe when he´s home

I just wished I knew better ways to deal with him.

[Piraeus]

I'm sorry you have been going through this. Maybe you can find a way to get out of the house and be around different people. A support group would be good. I have low self esteem all the time. There is a forum for that Steps to Better Self-Esteem - Forums at Psych Central

Best wishes, and I hope you find a better way to deal with your brother.

Sincerely,

Piraeus

[Hellion]

Not sure autism causes people not to care or act violent(aside from a severe meltdown)...I mean perhaps that is the result of some issues he has, but its important to hold people accountable rather than think their disorder excuses them of all their behavior.

I agree it would help you to maybe find other people to hang around, and maybe limit your time around him.

[Neptune83]

Don't feel bad, we can all love someone to pieces but it doesn't mean we have to like their behaviour at times. It's normal not to like violent and emotionally abusive behaviour. I do understand that it's not his fault, as do you. It's great you understand that he isn't choosing to act like this. You love him and obviously care a great deal, don't be so hard on yourself.
As for how to handle him, I'm not sure what to suggest other than read up as much as you can, perhaps ask people who have a close relative with the same how they manage if you know anyone. Maybe there are certain triggers that you've become aware of, if so, perhaps avoid him until he's a little more calm. If he's saying hurtful things to you, I realise its hard to ignore, but take it with a pinch of salt because its heat of the moment. If you don't have control over what you're saying and anger has taken over, it's highly unlikely that its a personal attack and he means it. I don't suffer with autism or Aspergers, but I get these uncontrollable bouts of rage, I will blurt out whatever's in my head at that time. I often am left with a feeling of having felt that anger but at times no memory of what I've actually said. Once I'm told what I've said I feel so much remorse and can't quite believe that was me. I've never meant to hurt anyone. Doesn't make it better, I know, but don't take it to heart.

[Neptune83]

Whilst I've said about him perhaps not being in control and not being able to help himself, Hellion brings up a very good point. Any behaviour like that is unacceptable and I think it's important for him to learn this. Society as a whole don't accept violence etc.. It would be awful him having to learn the hard way. If that could be avoided and he could be taught this now, it would benefit him in the long run.
Hellion, I must say although I personally don't have experience of working with anyone who's autistic, a good friend and also a relative do. They work in a school for those with autism, Aspergers, downs etc and I know they've encountered quite a few violent episodes with the pupils. As far as I'm aware, those with Aspergers and autism can find it difficult to grasp emotions, they find it difficult to read how others are feeling and I think they struggle with their own emotions. Of course, there's a whole spectrum so it would depend on how severe one suffered with it.

To the OP, does your brother get any help? Do your parents help? Are they aware of your feelings? Sometimes when other family members have difficulties yours get overlooked because everyone is concentrating so hard on helping the other person who's difficulty if apparent. If yours isn't obvious, like you don't have the same outbursts your brother does, then they might not even realise you're suffering too unless you've told them.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Neptune83

Whilst I've said about him perhaps not being in control and not being able to help himself, Hellion brings up a very good point. Any behaviour like that is unacceptable and I think it's important for him to learn this. Society as a whole don't accept violence etc.. It would be awful him having to learn the hard way. If that could be avoided and he could be taught this now, it would benefit him in the long run.
Hellion, I must say although I personally don't have experience of working with anyone who's autistic, a good friend and also a relative do. They work in a school for those with autism, Aspergers, downs etc and I know they've encountered quite a few violent episodes with the pupils. As far as I'm aware, those with Aspergers and autism can find it difficult to grasp emotions, they find it difficult to read how others are feeling and I think they struggle with their own emotions. Of course, there's a whole spectrum so it would depend on how severe one suffered with it.

I am on the spectrum so I know what the disorder is...just saying it doesn't make one a violent person. I have certainly had my moments of being entirely overloaded and blowing up on people and such...though I can't say I've ever managed to do much harm, probably more to myself than anyone else. But yeah it depends on the person and how they are effected in how much of a role it plays in their behavior. Also having a disorder like autism doesn't mean one cannot knowingly do things they know are wrong...so I was just getting at its not really an excuse for hurting people or anything like that. If someone with autism has some horrible meltdown and starts throwing things then its probably not their intention if someone gets hit with something, but if they intentionally try to hurt someone just to hurt someone then I wouldn't think its fair if they were to blame the autism.

I don't know with a lot of aggressive/violent incidents with autistic kids its not uncommon that they where provoked, I mean chances are if a kid starts freaking out because someone won't stop flicking little bits of paper at them but the teacher only catches their meltdown rather than the kid flicking the paper then that teacher may say the autistic child just started acting aggressive for no reason. I know kids liked to do that to me when I was younger get to me in ways the teacher couldn't see/notice so i'd get in trouble when I got frusterated enough to react.

I only have the experiance of being on the spectrum without knowing it until somewhat recently...no working with others on it or having a sibling with it.

[Neptune83]

No, I know what you were saying. It must be so difficult for those kids who are purposely being wound up then they get the blame when it becomes too much. I believe my sons dad was on the spectrum, and he was labelled 'thick' and 'trouble' at school and by his own mum! She was always telling him he was too thick or stupid to do anything he wanted to do, career wise. I think that's incredibly sad, because I think those on the spectrum can be so gifted. My son we believe has Aspergers, and he is so knowledgable on certain things it blows my mind! And many others too! He went through a stage of violent outbursts but I believe that was down to him trying to cope with the grief of losing his dad.
Not everyone is violent by any means. I know a kid who lives a few doors down from us and he struggles with anger, he's flown into a rage a few times but it was always provoked. He never flies off the handle over nothing.
But yeah you're right absolutely that whilst someone may not at times be able to help their actions, it doesn't excuse violence because it is totally unacceptable, but I think the OPs brother could do with a little help to see this himself. It would be a shame if he landed himself in serious trouble. I guess it really does depend on the severity of the disorder, like you say.

[mitcho94]

I´m so happy for all your answers! Thank you. I definitely have a lot to think about hugs