[christina_21]

Oh, boy. I hope you’re comfortable because this is going to be rather long.

I am a 31-year-old female and I have just been recently diagnosed with Aspergers. I picked up the book Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety by Nick Dubin on a whim at the library and I cried while reading it because I felt like I was reading about me; I was on every page. After additional research on Aspergers, I took the book, online quiz results, and my suspicions to a counselor I had been seeing off and on and eventually got the official diagnosis. It has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders because now I know why I’m so different from everyone.

I’m still adjusting to this and reading as much on Aspergers as I can, but I have a couple of fears and I don’t know how to handle them. I’m posting them here to see what other people’s thoughts and experiences are and any advice would be helpful.

Fear 1: Passing this on to my three-year-old son. He’s so sweet, outgoing, and friendly right now and I don’t want that to change. I want life to be different for him. Better. I want him to have friends. I still don’t know if this is nature vs. nurture: if my horrific childhood had anything to do with it
(in which case my son is light years ahead of where I was growing up) or if it’s genetic like eye color and my son can get it no matter what. Are there things I can do to lessen the negative impacts of Aspergers if he ends up being diagnosed or to prevent it from being so severe? A newbie question, I'm sure, but there it is.

Fear 2: I’m the person always standing by herself at any kind of gathering. I’m the one thankful if there is a kid to take care of, an animal to pet, or even any cleaning to do so I don’t have to socialize with real people. My son is smart. It won’t take long after he starts school to notice that other moms are friends and talk to each other while I’m off to the side cleaning out his backpack or putting books in alphabetical order. I don’t want to be the weird mom. I don’t want him to think of me that way. I want friends but I just can’t make them, no matter if I’m myself or if I pretend to be normal. Kids notice a lot and I don’t want my son to ever be ashamed of me. I’ve tried forcing myself into social situations such as volunteering, going to play groups, and talking to other moms at playgrounds to make friends but 1) I can’t go to organized gatherings often because I work full-time and they’re mostly during the day and 2) the moms in those settings already have friends and their cliques are harder to break into than a bank vault using only a broken Q-tip. Is there anything else I can do or is there a way to explain this to him when he starts school? What do you do if you have young children? Do you children notice if you have a lack of friends, or if other parents are not especially friendly towards you, or if you’re not invited to things like other parents?

I’m thankful to anyone who was able to get through all of this post and I will appreciate any advice you may be able to give. Thank you in advance!

[manwithnofriends]

if you want to be friends with other mothers you don't have to be the one starting the conversation, just responding naturally (if you know how to) would be enough

[rosska]

Hey there, welcome to the forums and welcome to the 'diagnosed' club.

I can sympathise with the relief of knowing you're not just crazy, it is in fact something different about you. Also with the confusion that follows the diagnosis at a later stage in life. I was only diagnosed earlier this year at 27. I also just recieved a full brief this morning about my 'results' from the RAADS-R (the diagnostic test thing they use for grading severity of impairment or what not) and apparently I scored a 204 which is "one of the highest" my PDoc has ever seen, which left me wondering how I functioned this long without anybody noticing haha.

To answer your first question, even the doctors themselves aren't 100% sure on the exact cause of ASDs yet. Though it is a genetic thing one way or the other, since it's a difference in our neurology and no amount of nurture alters a persons neurology. From what I've read and from what my specialist told us during my evaluation, it seems to be more common for males to pass on the disorder to their children than it is for females. She told us that because we had mentioned that in hindsight we suspected my dad may have been on the spectrum. Though like everything genetic, there is no definite answer as to whether it will/wont/might pass on to children. There are plenty of parents on the spectrum who have children that are not. Just like there are also parents who are not on the spectrum, who have children that are.

Try not to worry about it, at the end of the day, knowing that you are will make a difference if it turns out he is. You'd be able to spot it earlier, get him the proper help at a younger age and hopefully provide him a better starting position than you got yourself.

For the second question, I really don't think your son will care whether or not you're interacting with the other parents at school. When I was at school, both my parents worked a lot of unsociable hours and therefore didn't take part in many of the arranged parent activities, I never thought anything of it. So long as you're a good, loving mum, that's all he's going to care about. The fact that you're so worried about that, means you've already got those covered.

[avlady]

Rosska's right,you shouldn't worry about your son reading into your social life at such a young age. I have several mental issues myself and worried every day about such things you are worrying about now.Like you said, it's almost like someone read your mind. He's 22 now, and through the years have learned more about each other, and he even gives me pointers on how to behave,usually comedic things, i know it sounds stupid, but it's not, as i try to also point out certain things to him too. Don't worry now, there is still alot of time and in the end you will know you were a good mother because you care so much. Good luck and have a good sleep!!!

[FaithlessCat]

Hi there,

My Son was diagnosed ASD Aspergers when he was 8 and it was through this that we realised my husband also had it. In our case this made a huge positive impact on our household because it explained a lot. I understood that he isnt deliberately not romantic or touchy feely and stopped blaming myself.

as for your fears .... they are no sure reasons why some children have ASD and others don't. There is a theory that it tends to be mostly men who have it and that it's passed down through the males. ( In our case there is no doubt, dad, grandad and great grandad all have it )

and its highly unlikey your son will notice anytime soon that his Mom is different, only that you are you and he loves you.

Having ASD can be a very positive thing if you get the help and support early on, for hubby he feels our son has much better potential because he never got any support and was simply labeld a 'shy' child.

then again, I only have to look at Hubby to know DS will be just fine out in the world.

Try not to worry too much, enjoy your little boy and spend the time you need getting to know Aspie you xx

[christina_21]

Thank you for the replies