[Anonymous37919]

Because I have PDD-NOS, I chew and actually eat my nails, pluck my eyelashes out, rub my face incessantly and this dirty stuff comes off, and I like to do strange "rituals" like always wanting to log into my Internet accounts at specific times. People notice my BO and I never even think about what other people think, because I just totally obsess from waking hours to sleeping time. All I do is obsess, obsess, obsess. My brain is just messed up. All I do is obsess.

Really, whatever confidence or motivation I once had to get a grip on the obsessing, well, it just seems to have depleted. The only day of the year I even remotely feel 'human' again is on 1 January, because it is a new year and usually the reason people feel jolly on New Year's Day is because nothing of significance has happened yet. Then I always go back to the same unhealthy routine within a week, which makes me feel like I broke some 'magic oath' inside my head, because usually the rest of the year ends up being an absolute joke.

I did join Twitter. Twitter seems cool. But it's still not the same as experiencing an 'in real life' chat with someone, if you know what I mean...

I've deleted my Meetup, Facebook, YouTube (etc) accounts countless times, only to register new profiles and the sad cycle continues. Maybe it is a serious compulsion I have and I am way too lonely, which is unfortunate yet probably not all that unusual in those with autism. Like, I always close my eBay accounts and things like that before 1 January comes around, if the option is there to do so. That is odd, and I know it is bizarre to obsess over things like I do. I tell myself it is not "normal" to obsess like this and it will destroy me.

Maybe I just care about the online world too much because my personal world is too empty. Even when all my support was there before, it was still a hard habit to break (getting offline). And now that my association with the agency has gone all tits up, it means the other OCD traits are going to mentally linger for even longer. Life like this is just too difficult for me to put up with. People with OCD can often feel trapped and I certainly do feel like garbage because of being betrayed, plus jailed twice, and everything that occurred in 2014 was really bad. It was never necessary. The people involved with the company that supported me before are a shower of lying jerks.

I am always thinking about my former key worker, Sara. I even know where she lives, as her address was included on a bit of paper regarding a criminal charge. My mind keeps beckoning me to seek out that Spanish mentor again, that I love dearly as a person. But she does not love me or even want to know me. Does she hell? And I obviously would just be arrested again if I attempted to approach her or even contact her online, but I get urges to try it. Believe me.

It is sad for me to admit to this, but maybe I will just have to face up to the fact that I will most likely be spending the rest of my life alone, while only casually being social. Even trying to find women to date on the Internet is like walking through a hedge maze blindfolded.

My anxiety is another major problem. Panic attacks and agoraphobia is overwhelming, because even going into a shop is hard. But look at Sara and her accomplishments. Sara did not even know English before she came to Scotland and even she has found a successful job, as well as a place of her own with flatmates, and she did have a boyfriend the last time I saw her in person, but I have been in Scotland all my life and I have only had sporadic success. I cannot be friends with her just because 'we only met because of your autism' as she put it across to me once.

Wow. Thanks, Sara. That really made me feel appreciated. Your 'I could not care less' attitude is so palpable.

[Lexi232]

people used to make fun of my "rituals" growing up. and it wasnt until this past year i even realized this. and people -even my "peers" would ask me why i did certain things. for instance i alway said "bye otis, i love you otis, see you later otis" before leaving out the front door(otis was our dog, and i was about 8 when i remember this started) then as it grew i would get interrupted by my parents who also would stop me and question why i did it. and with that, it grew even more to where i would say it, and then go for the door and i wasnt okay to go without rambling off one of the three things i always said. to the point where i couldnt leave because i was stuck in that ritual... then in teen years, it slowly added some pets along the way.. it was a mouth full, "bye otis, skye, clover, and hollie! i love you otis, skye, clover, and hollie! see you later otis, skye, clover, and hollie!" ...
now i still do stuff but theres no one there usually to point out, or to rush me, or to interupt me, or anything now. and i recently realized i do the same thing with my best friend. at the end of our IMing when we goto bed, it has about 4-5 lines of the same thing and we repeat it back to each other. and if it isnt done then ... i cant really explain what it is that i feel, but its not a pleasant feeling.

its only too late when you accept that it wont change.
but it's not an option to pursue Sara any further.
maybe another individual on the spectrum could be a good friend?

[Anonymous37919]

Yes. Sometimes, I think animals make better companions than people. People are just cruel and they can all dump your sorry self in an instant, whether it is for genuinely OK reasons (like the end of a relationship) or they just desert you of their own selfish accord. But I love my late grandmother, Mary, for she was understanding and branded herself as a people person. My grandmother once owned a budgie named Danny, but the ironic thing is that when she and the family migrated over to Australia in the sixties, no pets were allowed aboard the ship, even though budgerigars originate from that land. So the story goes. The poor wee bird died of a broken heart. Then years later, my gran bought the budgie named Danny II, who was blue. He was born in 1998 and lived until May of 2011.

My gran died in August 2004 in a care home. Visiting her in that place was not the same as talking to her across the street back in 2002 and 2003. Sadly, she had to be looked after because she developed dementia and people with this can become a danger to themselves. My mother and I along with my sister occasionally would visit her, but usually we would just sit on the benches at the front door and the cigarette smoke was bad. There was a door, a paved floor and then another door straight ahead with two benches at each side. My gran was never done smoking, which is how she ended up with cancer. My own mother is also a chain smoker.

I am really annoyed about my flat, because A, it was my actual home and B, losing Joanna and Sara was never necessary, had somebody spoken to me about their grievances and issued a warning. It was not me that was harassing Sara during shifts. She claimed I was making her uncomfortable, yet she was coming to see me but bringing a bad attitude with her. Rather than talk to us, the seniors just pulled her off my case and lied until they could not conceal it any further. Then they refused to give me a second chance, so how was I supposed to react?

Maybe how I behaved after that decision was made was immature, and they know I am obsessed, but I reckon we could have worked something out. Now look at what has happened; I am not at the flat any longer, Sara and Joanna are truly out of my life for the most part, I have been in prison twice and not one of those balls of dirt called the seniors even want to know me. They never came to court in December and I was left to rot because they made out I just wanted somebody present in court to assign the blame to him or her. Well, the way I see it, this is just one more obstacle in my life that I will have to get over. And Lord knows I have gotten over a few of those in my life.