Normal people don’t care

Like I tried to explain, man, I had good intentions for wanting Joanna and Sara back as my support workers. What I sent to them on Facebook last summer was very sick and scary, I know. The only reason I sent them nasty messages was because I had built up a lot of anger in me. It was hard not to blow up because people played games with my feelings and I wanted to have great sex really badly, so I wanted to use a model and record us screwing each other. Who cares?

There was so many nice plans I had prepared for them a long time ago, including buying a cat with Joanna, going on my bike with Sara, and playing snooker and pool again with Robert. At the time Joanna supported me, they did not allow pets, but these women at the accommodation had cats, so they eventually changed their mind. But I have not been in that flat since July and in the time I have not been there, I found out the seniors had decided to allow pets. Then it bugged me over the fact that A, I was not in the flat and B, that Joanna was never, ever going to be my support worker again. It made me feel so unhappy.

Just think how nice that would have been for both Joanna and I to have gone and looked for a kitten or a young cat. This is the kind of respect I have for Joanna. These workers are not my friends, I know this, but I still like them as people and I do not see why I could not still enjoy having them as my support workers again. We could have sorted all of this junk out. Their boss would not even allow me to do this after the seniors lied to me, so I got angrier and angrier. The women just felt very uncomfortable.

Believe me when I say I tried to convince the boss to give me another chance with Joanna and Sara. The boss knew I had them removed from my support team in the first place because I had inappropriate feelings for them, so she was already convinced from the start that bringing them back would not be healthy. There was no way I was going to change her mind otherwise.

I only got attached to them because I was lonely and desperate, after what this Laura person did to me. And, I understand that care workers are just doing a job, but it is not easy for me to not feel lonely. They are good looking women with a life away from work. And me however - I am just not confident at all and so I got desperate. That is why the workers who helped me before were like my whole world. Now even that is probably gone forever.

Trust me here. There is nothing worse than screaming at the top of your lungs, or having things go around in your mind, yet it feels like there is a barrier or a large floating bubble you are trapped in and you can hear yourself speak, but while others can see me, they either cannot or do not want to listen. That is how it feels in real life. No matter how many times I try to justify my actions or prove a point, nobody cares. Because it gets worse and I end up back in court, I latch out again, then that has consequences. But all I wanted was another chance. We all used to get on so well about 2 years ago. There is no reason why that could not come back to life.

Once they were gone, they were gone, and that hurt me. But then when I messed up, I become my own worst enemy, according to them. But I do not blame myself for being fed up, because the longer it went on, the worse I would feel. It really all started when they took the women away from me (probably at their requests) and then everybody lied to me. It broke my heart.

I'm 26 haha.. tis ok. I know what you mean. Its hard to do it everytime. But it sounds like you've gotten to that point yourself with this situation.

I'm glad we found something in common, (about people)

I think you are doing the right thing for yourself by the laying your head down at night comment.

You know, I was terrible at telling my husband how I feel. Terrible! Espicially when I appreciate when we does things, most the time I didn't even notice. But by our 2 year I started a journal of just things he did for me, how he made me feel, the things he said to me, funny things he did that made me laugh, etc. etc. And I wrapped it up and gave it to him for christmas. I did that for 3 years in a row. He keeps them in our safe. I don't do them as much anymore because I've trained myself very very very VERY hard to say them out loud. I still keep alot of things, and I know he sometimes wants more, but I do my best.

Thinking about people and their opinions do only get in the way of what you want, from what your talking about it sounds like that is what happened with this situation. And it sounds like you've taken a different toll of how to deal with it next time.

Yeah, I don't think I could have said it better myself. That is the perfect image for how all of this stuff feels for sure.

Wow, that is such an amazing gesture and gift I think. I just love that idea, it's so sweet.

Roddy Piper used to say that. He was actually at WrestleMania 31 a few nights ago and he said that to Daniel Bryan after he won the ladder match.

Anyway, I have lost the flat. Well and truly. They wanted me out of there and probably would have just chucked me out or terminated my tenancy regardless of whether I liked their decision or not. So I doubt even an advocate could get Cathy's decision reversed if they want me gone. The scum always survives.

Screw them. I lived in that flat for over 3 years. Everything was stable until they crapped on me. It just goes to show I was screwed, and life will be lonely forever more. All people do is play games and treat me like garbage. The workers were all I had, really. My confidence is just down the tubes now, never to return.

LOL, yeah, Roddy Piper. I think that is where I heard it.

Man, I'm sorry to hear that. Is it OK if I ask - do you have somewhere else to stay, or are you like out on the street now because of this?

No. Right now I am living with my family. I was only supposed to be on bail to their address. Unfortunately, however, the court case has been prolonged because of me getting arrested over the past several months. It should be over on 17 April. Let us hope so.

I was looking forward to going back to my flat for ages, but I went to see Cathy on 2 March in her office and she tricked me into giving up my lease. God knows what she would have done if I had not wrote my name on that sheet of paper. Maybe a signature was all she needed as proof, but it was not an official form she had me signing. She made it sound like the worst case scenario on purpose. It really was just a piece of white printer paper she had me signing. "Sign here please" was what she was like, and she made the rent arrears an excuse, but I contacted them recently and the rent was last paid in January. This indicates to me she probably knew that it had been paid up to that point and lied to get me out of the flat. All my lawyer had to say in court was that I was still 'disgruntled' about it.

Really? Disgruntled? You think?

Look at things in a logical way. She and everybody else aware of the situation knows how obsessed I am with these two ladies, as I send a lot of emails. My own lawyer knows I have never shut up about them. Therefore, they just know if I went back, I would try to get near them in that office. Now I have a 5 years non harassment order in regards to Joanna and Sara, so it makes even more sense that they wanted me out of the door in such a hurry. But that was my home for over 3 years and being that it is supported accommodation, it was handy living there.

They have some nerve doing this to me. Not only have I lost my damn workers, my flat has just gone cheerio as well. They do nothing but exploit me. Cathy is full of crap. What a cow she is.

Double post, as the last post was fairly long.

All Autism Initiatives have done for long enough is deliberately exploit me and they do not want to take any responsibility at all for not handling the matter correctly, but if Sara and Joanna said they did not feel comfortable working with me any more, well, there is that too. But they insist that the court getting involved is why they cannot help me resolve things with Joanna and Sara now. However, I had asked them to give me a chance with the women long before I was remanded in jail last July and they blatantly refused, so it upset me further. If they had simply agreed to work with me again, my intense anxiety would not have made me look up Joanna's address. That ridiculous trial shift they gave us in the summer of 2013 was pathetic, because it was probably just to see how she got on with me, and not the other way around. Plus, this idiot service user in Number 6 made me lose the pool tournament that day. That ended up being our last ever shift, as the seniors started lying to me.

Apologizing to Sara and Joanna was not enough. I still wanted to have shifts with them and be in unity with them, like we used to be, and Cathy said I would never get to work with them any more and that it was forever. All the seniors did was set up roadblocks and they once called the cops to sabotage me meeting up with Sara in a coffee shop, then they disabled her work e-mail address and changed her mobile number. They rang the police last year just over a week after I was officially told she was not my key worker any longer. Keep in mind, they lied to me about Joanna and Sara for ages before actually telling me the truth, but they made my suspicious antics prior to this their excuse as to why were they not going to continue supporting me, once again exploiting my anxiety induced actions again. Yet they were not going to be coming back, for crying out loud.

They are just using the court as one big scapegoat as well. They know my hands are tied and that if I breach the non harassment thingy-ma-jig, the police know where to go knocking. They also go to see my mate Frank when I do a disappearing act.

It seems to me that whenever I lose my cool and do something to get arrested, they use the way I react to things as even more of an excuse as to why Sara, Joanna and I are no more, yet their decision had already been made. That is low and sick to use my poor impulse control against me when they need to cover their asses. Who needs that?

Thank you! its what took me to "express" my feelings....

I need to get back into it though. I'm finding more wrong things than good. :/