OK, it's kind of difficult to start this one, but let's start by saying I get quite a kick/thrill (albeit a silent one that only I know of) out of doing something for someone, which I perceive in my mind as really trying to help someone. I get the same kick teaching students, etc. younger than I am, or explaining things to colleagues.

Last year I was trying to help a destitute girl, a young girl I met online. We did have a short physical relationship at first, but then only later I found out she was homeless - basically when she started asking me for money to not sleep out on the street and to eat something. Anyway, most people would have told her where to get off, but I didn't, I helped her. Our relationship also changed, I became like a big brother or maybe even father figure to her. It felt so good to know I could help her sleep in a warm bed in safety, and that she was not hungry. Then one day she told me she was pregnant, not with me, but with another guy (they had an "accident" with the protection). She was rather inconsolable, but I reassured her and told her not to panic, and that things would work out. At this point, I didn't have much money to give her anymore and I couldn't offer her accommodation because I still live with my parents. I wished so badly, even to this day, that I were rich and had a house of my own, I would've taken her in without even thinking twice. Just the thought of doing something like that for someone, especially a girl, was just so amazing to dream of. I wished I could take her into my house, and send her to school to finish her schooling, and send her to university too (she said she wanted to be a child psychologist, and she was so happy the day I showed her around the campus where I study). I dreamed of seeing her change from having a survival-street smart attitude (with some aggressive tendencies, which is understandable in her situation) to a free, happy young girl who has all the financial and essential bases taken care of, by me. I wished so much I was some kind of millionaire to be able to give her everything.

In addition, I also help other people, like my students that I lecture. I give them extra information to help them, not just test memoranda but actual explanations of the answers, together with extra notes and more. I really go overboard in normal teaching terms, but I love it so much, because it feels like I'm doing something valuable for them.

Then it hit me. I think I'm doing all this stuff not for these people, but for me and my own pathetic ego. I am such a sick and depraved monster I have to use other people to fill the voids in my own life, and to make me feel validated or needed by others. Other people don't need me, they never have, and I don't think in my sick head that I can handle that fact. I try all this crap to try and get people to need me. When they need me and use me I feel worthy of their time, and possibly love. The fact is I am low down and not of use to anyone, and I just wish I were because then it would give me a reason to be here in my own mind.

I'm so pathetic. So pointless that nobody would need me unless I convinced them otherwise.

[kaliope]

please dont take offense, but i really dont agree with you. i think you are twisting it to make yourself feel bad. you seem to be going the extra mile to help others. you are making a difference in other people's lives. when you do good, you feel good and this builds your self esteem. you are giving others the gift of yourself, your knowledge and experience, caring and compassion. it does not sound from what you wrote that you are doing this strictly for your own gain. you sound like you do it because you genuinely care.

Originally Posted by kaliope

please dont take offense, but i really dont agree with you. i think you are twisting it to make yourself feel bad. you seem to be going the extra mile to help others. you are making a difference in other people's lives. when you do good, you feel good and this builds your self esteem. you are giving others the gift of yourself, your knowledge and experience, caring and compassion. it does not sound from what you wrote that you are doing this strictly for your own gain. you sound like you do it because you genuinely care.

I really hope what you are saying is true, I really don't need another "something" wrong with me, I already have enough horrible traits.

You are right, it makes me feel great when I do these things. I do care, very much. I only wonder sometimes if there is not some kind of subconscious void in me that drives me to perform these acts.

I almost always find people don't want my help or attention. Then, most people don't want my love either. The only people who accept anything from me are really poor or desperate people who have no other choice. "Normal" people and peers never want anything from me, whether I offer or not. There is nothing I can offer them at all, they always seem to get what they want from someone else, and they prefer it that way. When I try to offer something, it feels like I'm harassing them or like I'm encroaching.

Another thing that really bothers me is, I always give the impression that I'm one of those guys who does favours for people who don't ask for it, especially when it comes to girls and then it's like creepy, and then if I wish to ask them out to lunch or something, it's just terrible in her eyes, like I did a favour to get "that thing" out of her. I actually just ask people to lunch to have a friendship or conversation with someone, but it doesn't seem that way when it's a girl. It makes me feel like a creep.

This is so horrible. Nobody in real life shows me any interest for wanting something like that from me - a friendship or a relationship, people ask me things on rare occasions to help them or I see the need when they didn't see the need for help. Those are the only people who bond with me a little, and when I want anything from them, it looks like I have done a favour to get something. It's just that people I do nothing for, don't even know I exist (that would be 99.9% of people). These people who get something from me are the only people I have any kind of contact with. There is no-one else.

I feel horrible and like a monster for being "that kind of guy". But, I have no redeemable social value, I am only useful as someone who can do something for someone, like a favour. But, nobody makes friends with that guy, that guy who does people favours.

I'm pretty much screwed I guess.

[Anonymous37919]

I know how you feel. You could put me in a room with 300 people. Nobody would really notice me or care.

Thanks for your support guys.

I have another question. Do you guys think I am being too full of myself if I have like this dream of doing something on a large-scale? I want to open like a company one day, but it's going to operate on a seriously large scale. I mean it has the potential to contribute to my whole country if it's a success.

When I look at tests for NPD for example, it says under one of the points that the person (e.g. me) has a sense of grandiosity, or grandiose ideas. I mean, this is pretty grandiose. Doesn't this mean I have like a really massive ego perhaps?

Am I not seeking to fulfil this dream in order to fill some kind of void in me, or some kind of inferiority complex that I'm trying to purge in my own self?

I fully admit, I do feel people don't take me seriously, that they think I am some kind of puppet/clown or joke, and there's a part of me that wants to show people they should take me seriously, that it's not all some kind of game.

I think I might be quite a sick person after all. I can't really work out if my dad is narcissistic or autistic like me. I know his mom was kind of narcissistic. My dad is a bit of a perfectionist and does like to point out where others make mistakes, even on the smallest details. He does quality control at work too. I also know being exposed to a narcissist can damage you and create those traits in you too.

I am quite confused to be honest. I don't know what to think really.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Good is good, no matter what the motives - we cannot all be Mother Theresa.

I know you feel bad, but you don't go around being unpleasant or uncaring, and you do your best to help and interact - these are all good things that I think you can give yourself a little credit for.

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

Good is good, no matter what the motives - we cannot all be Mother Theresa.

I know you feel bad, but you don't go around being unpleasant or uncaring, and you do your best to help and interact - these are all good things that I think you can give yourself a little credit for.

Thanks, ManOfConstantSorrow. You have made me feel quite a bit better about myself.

I try to interact, and I do my best, for an autistic guy I guess. But, by any standard, I'm pretty rubbish. I am a very confused person, but one thing I can feel is that people don't like me very much. I suppose I interact pretty poorly compared to them. Oh well. Don't really know how to change that.

[Anonymous37919]

I don't think you're narcissistic at all. Of course, I cannot judge you as I don't know you personally.

By the way, I have court again on Friday and have to see that fat social worker again for a report to be prepared. Partners in Advocacy should be getting back to me this week re: an advocate being appointed to me. I'm rather hoping this will be all over soon.

Too bad about my flat, however. They're all scum, if they think coaxing me into signing away my tenancy is how to "resolve" all the bull shite they caused.

Originally Posted by Peter A

I don't think you're narcissistic at all. Of course, I cannot judge you as I don't know you personally.

By the way, I have court again on Friday and have to see that fat social worker again for a report to be prepared. Partners in Advocacy should be getting back to me this week re: an advocate being appointed to me. I'm rather hoping this will be all over soon.

Too bad about my flat, however. They're all scum, if they think coaxing me into signing away my tenancy is how to "resolve" all the bull shite they caused.

Thanks man. I hope things go well for you on Friday. I wish you all the strength in the world brother.

[Anonymous37919]

Do you think it's worth getting an advocate to help me back into that flat? It is just a flat, after all. It may not seem sacred any longer, and we need not bother associating with people that caused us harm.

I mean, if they really are traitors and slithering snakes, and (insert comment here), then why should I bother to get that across? They are not going to bring those two women back, NO MATTER WHAT I SAY, so it seems pointless to persuade anybody to accept it was all anger induced with Joanna and Sara.

Other than that, it is really not easy to identify just HOW they lied. They DID lie and they SURE as hell screwed me over, but I think the law works on prosecuting somebody over actual physical evidence, in order to back up such claims which are very real accusations. Since these were just actions they took to prevent me engaging with their "uncomfortable" workers, it is not as simple as just stating they did all these things to get me into trouble, which they did. But I have wrote many notes, in case I do see someone soon. It might be rather difficult to express myself without rambling.

Originally Posted by Peter A

Do you think it's worth getting an advocate to help me back into that flat? It is just a flat, after all. It may not seem sacred any longer, and we need not bother associating with people that caused us harm.

I mean, if they really are traitors and slithering snakes, and (insert comment here), then why should I bother to get that across? They are not going to bring those two women back, NO MATTER WHAT I SAY, so it seems pointless to persuade anybody to accept it was all anger induced with Joanna and Sara.

Other than that, it is really not easy to identify just HOW they lied. They DID lie and they SURE as hell screwed me over, but I think the law works on prosecuting somebody over actual physical evidence, in order to back up such claims which are very real accusations. Since these were just actions they took to prevent me engaging with their "uncomfortable" workers, it is not as simple as just stating they did all these things to get me into trouble, which they did. But I have wrote many notes, in case I do see someone soon. It might be rather difficult to express myself without rambling.

To be brutally honest, I think it's best to try and forget about the flat. I think if you stayed it would act as a gateway for these feelings towards these women to keep returning and torment you. It is almost a sanctuary for these feelings and if you dwell there, they aren't going to leave you in peace. A building, structure or house often retains negative "vibes" or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes just getting away out of it is the best thing to do.

You know Peter, I think you were saying that you are staying with your parents, is that right? May I ask, is there any reason why you are eager to be independent from them? You might have to weigh the pros and cons. Despite what the world says, there is no shame staying with your family for as long as you need. I know there is pressure to be independent and it is seen as really good and successful and stuff, but I've learnt a long time ago not to believe everything the world is trying to push as normal or good. If their home is offering you a safe environment where you can recover and feel better about yourself again, it's actually the best place to stay then. Always remember, time and age are just meaningless numbers, just like all the other "standards" the world likes to measure things by.

[Anonymous37919]

I guess I just prefer my own space, like most adults, and I had gotten used to being in my own flat for years, which I was lucky to get into. My family's house is very cluttered with tons and tons of junk. The room I sleep in now had so much crap in it before I put it elsewhere. They really do not need most of that stuff at all, but they insist on keeping it.

That supported flat was near enough perfect for me. There are a lot of tenants that do not allow anyone on housing benefits. Many do not allow pets either. This fussiness can make finding accommodation more difficult, but they just want to make sure they get their rent paid and I suppose you cannot blame them, considering the position they are in.

When you think of how everything was "set in stone" with my flat and my support, it is really not cool that they did all this to me, resulting in me losing not only Sara and Joanna, but the whole shebang went cheerio along with them, which breaks my heart. Sure, I realize I ended up making things worse by how I reacted to everything, but I was not gonna just accept that two people I really care about are gone, for seemingly nothing. Well, it was not just for nothing. The bosses knew I had developed feelings for them and that has to be a priority. Once they identify a client has a crush on his female workers, they have legal commitments to cut the rope. But I hate how they lie and not take any responsibility for ruining my life, and well, they may continue to mess me around and fob me off about everything if I let them.

One problem I faced a lot over the years is that I have a short fuse, and I get really defensive when I feel I am being pushed around. Then I just end up doing more damage by refusing to let go, often because there is nobody or nothing to take the place of whatever or whoever I lost and I feel I "just wanted" my life back. Then the rest of the world will maintain I am the culprit, which seems harsh, because obviously the way I behaved had to have had a motive behind it. Many so-called crimes often do.

I am not allowed to bring sex workers to my parents' house. I am an adult and I do like to have sex, like the majority of adults do, so I am not doing anything that millions of others do not do. We are a promiscuous species and the staff there tried to dictate to me before, when using escorts is actually legal in the UK. So screw them!

Originally Posted by Peter A

I am not allowed to bring sex workers to my parents' house. I am an adult and I do like to have sex, like the majority of adults do, so I am not doing anything that millions of others do not do. We are a promiscuous species and the staff there tried to dictate to me before, when using escorts is actually legal in the UK. So screw them!

Ah of course there is that yes, sorry I forgot. Well, maybe it is better to visit them at their own premises anyway? I don't know. Or a cheap motel.

I think you and I both have the same thing - we really need a girlfriend/girl physically with us. It would really improve our lives overall I think, so that all these negative things and other people's opinions can fade into the background. Just a person who can make everything seem great, and who one can just hold and spend time with.

[Anonymous37919]

I lay in bed for a while tonight just feeling like crap and I was crying. It is because I really love and miss Sara, my former friendly Latino helper person who used to be so cheerful. And the sad reality is that I have to go on feeling seminal positive about her amid all the despair, go to sleep, and the next day, the mental "block" that was there is uplifted and the same depressing thoughts are back again. Is she nice? Is she mean? Why did this happen? Will I see her again? Why must I circle over the reasons why I lost her? That fire of hurtful thought processes burns for life. We know what that is, and it is a psychological scar. So best of luck in living with my misery (should I live).

I cannot think why or how an awful tragedy like this could have befallen me. Will I remember this at 70 years old, if I make it that far? Would Sara still be of this Earth by then, too?

One day, Sara was beside me. We made each other laugh when we made that cake, and I even once said she was an angel on my shoulder. Now she is gone. Just plain gone.

Life goes on for them two, but for me, I will relive this in my mind forever. Sometimes, I think I would rather not be here any longer. The most painful part is, I know where they live and all, but I absolutely cannot go near them ever again, or even say sorry to them online. The heartless pigs will just lock me up again.

All my life, I feel like nefarious people have caused me to have to reinvent myself, if you know what I mean. It seems I work hard at something and it had gotten to be that some stuff was fairly achievable, no matter how little or large, then somebody just stamped it out. But while I got over a lot of it to a degree and fought the good fight with so many people in the past, I will never get over what Sara, Joanna and the seniors did. That is why I would rather not be here anymore. It still hurts me sometimes; I wish I was not autistic. The thought of the jail gates opening for 'the fresh meat' to come in is a sad one that will stay with me forever.

Originally Posted by Peter A

I lay in bed for a while tonight just feeling like crap and I was crying. It is because I really love and miss Sara, my former friendly Latino helper person who used to be so cheerful. And the sad reality is that I have to go on feeling seminal positive about her amid all the despair, go to sleep, and the next day, the mental "block" that was there is uplifted and the same depressing thoughts are back again. Is she nice? Is she mean? Why did this happen? Will I see her again? Why must I circle over the reasons why I lost her? That fire of hurtful thought processes burns for life. We know what that is, and it is a psychological scar. So best of luck in living with my misery (should I live).

I cannot think why or how an awful tragedy like this could have befallen me. Will I remember this at 70 years old, if I make it that far? Would Sara still be of this Earth by then, too?

One day, Sara was beside me. We made each other laugh when we made that cake, and I even once said she was an angel on my shoulder. Now she is gone. Just plain gone.

Life goes on for them two, but for me, I will relive this in my mind forever. Sometimes, I think I would rather not be here any longer. The most painful part is, I know where they live and all, but I absolutely cannot go near them ever again, or even say sorry to them online. The heartless pigs will just lock me up again.

All my life, I feel like nefarious people have caused me to have to reinvent myself, if you know what I mean. It seems I work hard at something and it had gotten to be that some stuff was fairly achievable, no matter how little or large, then somebody just stamped it out. But while I got over a lot of it to a degree and fought the good fight with so many people in the past, I will never get over what Sara, Joanna and the seniors did. That is why I would rather not be here anymore. It still hurts me sometimes; I wish I was not autistic. The thought of the jail gates opening for 'the fresh meat' to come in is a sad one that will stay with me forever.

You see if it were me, because I have such a huge ego, I would probably end up going on national TV, look straight into the camera and apologize to them, or go on the front page of the newspaper. That's the kind of person I am. Just when someone throws me a blow to try and stop me from doing something, I then go and do something which makes it a million times more messy or intensified. It's like I have a "last word" or "last shot" kind of tendency, if you know what I mean. Well, I used to have it. Now depression has killed off most of that tenacity and resourcefulness.

[Anonymous37919]

Well, going on live TV to say lo siento mucho (Spanish for so very sorry) would probably be breaking my 'bail terms' again. Ha-ha. At best, she would simply freak out and not care at all. She would need lots of therapy over the 'crazy autistic former client' exposing her like that.

I cannot believe the same pathetic shite keeps happening to me year after year with so many people that initially start off all nice, maybe even inspirational, then turn on me. It happened years ago with this Mary person, who called herself Lucky on the Internet. She was like my mentor, just like Sara was. It was that Sara was like Mary around 10 years later. Maybe Mary cursed me. She is into religion. Voodoo cow! Run, run, run, run away.

It cannot just be me as a person. No way. It is that people misinterpret my mannerisms and intentions, and well, shun me for it. That sucks. Then if I go down to their level, or "blow up" again, I end up looking worse off than them.

Like that social worker I have seen, what? He keeps saying they're the victims. Well, OK. They got alarming messages after feeling "uncomfortable" being my workers. Fair enough. But they in turn just made me feel like crap, so it ended up I was in a paradox. But they did not care. They can bugger off, get new clients and just not care.

A contract means people don't have to give a flying rat's you know what about me. They are false, and they need better training on how to handle a meltdown. All I did was admit I had feelings for Sara. God knows what that Robert guy said to her. All it takes is the wrong sort of rumors to get spread, and it ruins your reputation for life. So you can see why I hate the company now. They hardly care that I have lost Joanna and Sara over something so meaningless. One effing text message started all this, too.

Originally Posted by Peter A

Well, going on live TV to say lo siento mucho (Spanish for so very sorry) would probably be breaking my 'bail terms' again. Ha-ha. At best, she would simply freak out and not care at all. She would need lots of therapy over the 'crazy autistic former client' exposing her like that.

I cannot believe the same pathetic shite keeps happening to me year after year with so many people that initially start off all nice, maybe even inspirational, then turn on me. It happened years ago with this Mary person, who called herself Lucky on the Internet. She was like my mentor, just like Sara was. It was that Sara was like Mary around 10 years later. Maybe Mary cursed me. She is into religion. Voodoo cow! Run, run, run, run away.

It cannot just be me as a person. No way. It is that people misinterpret my mannerisms and intentions, and well, shun me for it. That sucks. Then if I go down to their level, or "blow up" again, I end up looking worse off than them.

Like that social worker I have seen, what? He keeps saying they're the victims. Well, OK. They got alarming messages after feeling "uncomfortable" being my workers. Fair enough. But they in turn just made me feel like crap, so it ended up I was in a paradox. But they did not care. They can bugger off, get new clients and just not care.

A contract means people don't have to give a flying rat's you know what about me. They are false, and they need better training on how to handle a meltdown. All I did was admit I had feelings for Sara. God knows what that Robert guy said to her. All it takes is the wrong sort of rumors to get spread, and it ruins your reputation for life. So you can see why I hate the company now. They hardly care that I have lost Joanna and Sara over something so meaningless. One effing text message started all this, too.

Yep, that's how it starts. One text message for me too.

I don't think going on TV would break your bail terms, OK maybe it will, but, you'll definitely allow everyone to see what's going on. You might even win some fans in the process. All humans have problems they keep secret, even normal people. When someone comes out in the open like that and is honest in public, many people can identify with it and you'll be secretly setting free many people from problems they have. When you shine a light on something, the cloak of darkness retreats.

[Anonymous37919]

I got a call from Partners in Advocacy saying they cannot appoint me anybody before Friday, when I contacted them before saying they have to wait until after Friday. Groan.

As for your idea about letting it out publicly; I actually told them I would write to the paper. Here in the UK, I could do that, with evidence, but then that could be branded as slander if it cannot be proven. You know that the law works on evidence and they would probably just chalk it up to attention seeking, and how I caused the victims (i.e Joanna and Sara) major embarrassment. It is like my genuine need to make up with Sara and Joanna will forever go ignored, because I am a "bad guy" for what I did. What about the lying the company did? What about the fact Sara turned into a bully to make me realize her Spanish sausage wallet is off limits to me? But of course - I forgot. No judge, social worker or support company could care less, because I am the one standing trial, just for blowing up after they said Sara and Joanna would never, ever support me, and it is forever.

Some people realize all too late they should not have stirred the pot. Those women really do need to try to see things from my perspective as well, instead of just overlooking my pain and clocking out where they go back to their fantastic personal lives, like I hardly matter. It is no issue at all for that agency to continue to break my heart, because it is all to do with protecting their precious staff who are oh so innocent, and need to be looked after from the lonely, creepy, four eyed freak of an ex client who just wanted everything to be like it were before the axle ground to a halt.

Well, I am being largely sarcastic, but you know that. Right?

[cyborg_hearted]

its just a suggestion, maybe I am wrong, just tell you what I think, what I suppose to read between your lines..
you said your father is kind of narcissistic, right?
Mine too.
Maybe he never was able to see YOU , as the person you truly are. Maybe he never was able to esteem who you are. but that´s the job a father/parents have to fullfil. that´s just how it works. that´s what a child needs to become a person, who knows about his own identity. as we grow up, we necessarily need someone, who sees us, who takes care about us. We need to be seen, to be able to find our own shape of personality.
but you´ve been left unseen, not sufficiently loved for who YOU are, you´ve been left empty. You don´t really know who you are, cause you´ver never been told in that state of personality development when you were most vulnerable and when you needed to be seen and loved most.Maybe you´ve experienced that the only YOU is never enough, to be loved, to just be....
I don´t believe, the way you use to fill this emptiness is as horrible as you think. Maybe you just use, what´s within your nature, to fill up this emptiness.
I got to know narcissistic persons who were acting opposite. who did´t really care about others to become happy or something.
Maybe you have to begin with aming on to become loving yourself first, to appreciate who you are, without doing something valuable.
I know what I am talking about, so I dare say, your´re woth it to be loved and just being Yourself.
You said something like people don´t want a friendship to someone, who just offers help...maybe thats true. maybe it´s impossible to them to see you as the person who you really are. cause you´re kind of invisible to them.
hope I did not interpet too much...

Originally Posted by Peter A

I got a call from Partners in Advocacy saying they cannot appoint me anybody before Friday, when I contacted them before saying they have to wait until after Friday. Groan.

As for your idea about letting it out publicly; I actually told them I would write to the paper. Here in the UK, I could do that, with evidence, but then that could be branded as slander if it cannot be proven. You know that the law works on evidence and they would probably just chalk it up to attention seeking, and how I caused the victims (i.e Joanna and Sara) major embarrassment. It is like my genuine need to make up with Sara and Joanna will forever go ignored, because I am a "bad guy" for what I did. What about the lying the company did? What about the fact Sara turned into a bully to make me realize her Spanish sausage wallet is off limits to me? But of course - I forgot. No judge, social worker or support company could care less, because I am the one standing trial, just for blowing up after they said Sara and Joanna would never, ever support me, and it is forever.

Some people realize all too late they should not have stirred the pot. Those women really do need to try to see things from my perspective as well, instead of just overlooking my pain and clocking out where they go back to their fantastic personal lives, like I hardly matter. It is no issue at all for that agency to continue to break my heart, because it is all to do with protecting their precious staff who are oh so innocent, and need to be looked after from the lonely, creepy, four eyed freak of an ex client who just wanted everything to be like it were before the axle ground to a halt.

Well, I am being largely sarcastic, but you know that. Right?

Well, I meant like if you wanted to do an apology, you could do it publicly. No, I agree, you definitely can't splurge the story in the paper. What I mean is just the apology part, addressed to them. No stuff or anything, just the apology.

[Anonymous37919]

I had to see a social worker yesterday, who I have seen before. He reckons I might just get a community payback order without a tag and supervision over an unspecified period of time. But that does not rule out going to jail, which would be a major slap in my face. While I was talking to him, I left out the advocate talk totally. That was wise. Why?

Well, if I had told him I cannot get one appointed to me due to the bull shite court "case" still running, he might have got them to defer it again, or he might have recommended I go to jail because of how obsessed I am sounding. Like that could "squash" my feelings for the ladies. That is just a scare tactic. That is like saying, 'I demand you forget those women ever met you, now, or I will lock you up' which is just stupidity. Nobody can act like somebody ain't important to him or her.

At least, I think so. The court seem to rely on social reports and had he said I was moaning about not getting an advocate due to the legal stuff, I think he may have asked them to defer it again out of spite. No end of case = no advocate. I'm this close.

Oh, it is like Laura all over again. How many years? HOW MANY YEARS?

Originally Posted by cyborg_hearted

its just a suggestion, maybe I am wrong, just tell you what I think, what I suppose to read between your lines..
you said your father is kind of narcissistic, right?
Mine too.
Maybe he never was able to see YOU , as the person you truly are. Maybe he never was able to esteem who you are. but that´s the job a father/parents have to fullfil. that´s just how it works. that´s what a child needs to become a person, who knows about his own identity. as we grow up, we necessarily need someone, who sees us, who takes care about us. We need to be seen, to be able to find our own shape of personality.
but you´ve been left unseen, not sufficiently loved for who YOU are, you´ve been left empty. You don´t really know who you are, cause you´ver never been told in that state of personality development when you were most vulnerable and when you needed to be seen and loved most.Maybe you´ve experienced that the only YOU is never enough, to be loved, to just be....
I don´t believe, the way you use to fill this emptiness is as horrible as you think. Maybe you just use, what´s within your nature, to fill up this emptiness.
I got to know narcissistic persons who were acting opposite. who did´t really care about others to become happy or something.
Maybe you have to begin with aming on to become loving yourself first, to appreciate who you are, without doing something valuable.
I know what I am talking about, so I dare say, your´re woth it to be loved and just being Yourself.
You said something like people don´t want a friendship to someone, who just offers help...maybe thats true. maybe it´s impossible to them to see you as the person who you really are. cause you´re kind of invisible to them.
hope I did not interpet too much...

Thank you! Wow, you're interpretation is very insightful and interesting.

It's that part I am struggling with. You know, am I adding value to people's lives or am I using them to add value to my own? Am I cloaking that need in something that appears to be for a good cause? You know, help them, but they didn't even ask for it type of thing.

It seems often that the things I do don't really add much to the individual I'm helping. Maybe they never wanted my help.

I know what I do is wrong. I know that nobody wants anything from me and the right thing for me to do, and the thing that they want, is to just leave them alone completely. I mean, they really don't need me, and they don't want anything from me. They are all happy as they are. It's just so hard to accept that I am such a pointless person and that I can't mean anything in anyone's life.

I know I must be a horrible person if nobody wants anything from me, no attention, or affection or help or anything. I guess it's just wanting to do something, and doing something important maybe allows someone to need me finally.

[Anonymous37919]

For some reason, I want to learn a musical instrument. Hell, I have way too much free time, so why not? Everybody loves music and I believe *ANYONE* can do it, even if it is just tapping a cowbell or a few simple drum beats. The key thing is to do something as a group, and limit solo stuff. Having others around you takes the burden off of things a lot.

[cyborg_hearted]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

I know what I do is wrong. I know that nobody wants anything from me and the right thing for me to do, and the thing that they want, is to just leave them alone completely. I mean, they really don't need me, and they don't want anything from me. They are all happy as they are. It's just so hard to accept that I am such a pointless person and that I can't mean anything in anyone's life.

I know I must be a horrible person if nobody wants anything from me, no attention, or affection or help or anything. I guess it's just wanting to do something, and doing something important maybe allows someone to need me finally.

You seem to seek for your identity outside yourself,
you try to build your own identity, made of pieces that you think are making you a likeable person, but you overlook that what you are seeking for is already laid inside yourself. you lust have to find it. this "YOU" has been neglected, rejected(?) , what you have learned about yourself is what you´ve been taught by influential people, so obviously you´ve been taught you´re a "horrible person"(?) . but what if they were wrong, if they didn´t have had nearly an idea of who you really are,just because they were blinded by their own issues or whatever???So you could be taught wrong.. I don´t know you but I´m quite sure you´re so much more than you currently are able to imagine, that´s how it seems to me.
this is kind of like I am talking about myself,
I know it´s hard to leave off what seems to build up whats defining your own value in your own eyes. to me it hurted bad, I seemed to be vanishing without this adds, but how can I find out who I am, if I never take a look inside, if I never create the possibility to let myself become who I am supposed to be? I believe each, really EACH man alive is supposed to be someone. Someone likeable. I believe in that! If one begins to like himself/herself then others begin to see who this one really is. Maybe the most important thing we have to learn, I have to learn, You have to learn is to be your own best friend, to become what you´re supposed to be.
I´m just learning and it feels so much releasing to let myself just be without permanently haunting for myself to be found outside. I come to rest. step by step. And it´feels like *WHOAH *
the thoughts and behaviors you´re describing seem so familiar to me.