Friendship and concern for my close one.

Disclaimer: We view each other as girlfriends but we are taking everything slowly and aren't "out" about our relationship with everybody. I've got my therapy starting soon and she's on a waiting list. We both have serious comorbid problems and she has a strong flight response. No mistaking that she cares as we've been over that and she's said words to me nobody ever has. Still, I am constantly afraid she will bolt as I am intensity personified.

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My girlfriend, for lack of a suitable word, is one of the sweetest people I've ever met. As well as this, she's scoring almost exactly the same on the Cambridge tests I took and which had me diagnosed as AS. Add this to what looks a Hell of a lot like the complex PTSD I am also diagnosed with, and you get somebody who--while inherently strong inside--is easily seen as naive and vulnerable.

In fact, she has been called gullible a lot. I can understand why; she's a handful of years older than me but appears to have had certain life events in a different order. This will become clearer as I continue. A major point I want to make is that I don't want to change her. I do have some personal fears on this yet really, I am concerned for her as I've been there.

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Friendship. That's what it is. To give a sort of primer to all of this, I found an article which really helped me in my recent confusion over what it means to be a friend. Warning! That piece does not go into depth at certain points and is certainly from an allistic stand-point. It fails to point out the possibilities about neuro-differences and even mental health issues an "unhealthy influence" may have. I still consider it to be attempting at fairness. It may say "10 Types..." but there is actually a chart and a tier system. It has a structure to it and for me that made it easier to understand.

In that article, you'll see two examples of the "mountain analogy". I am "Walled Off Wally" and she is "Phony Phoebe". Phony isn't the right word and doesn't fit the description given: "tries to be everyone’s best friend and ends up with a lot of people mad at her".

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We are opposites in this regard, two people with differing dysfunctional manners of friendships while having most likely the same reason for that. Whereas I push everybody away now, she drags everybody too close.

It should be stated that she did lose a close friend to a traffic accident several years ago. I accept this could be part of what causes this.

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I used to be "Phony Phoebe". I was so desperately lonely that I would do almost anything for anybody. People dropped me a lot, used me, teased me, seemed like closer friends than they were, all of that. I've been there and bought the t-shirt. My reaction to it is unhealthy and I know this. Personally I'm making a conscious effort to rectify the issue and attempt to make at least a couple "tier 1" friends so I'm not always leaning on my carer and my girlfriend.

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As for my girlfriend, she has 588 on her FB friends list even though she is regularly burnt out by interaction. I know that list can't be representative of the issue, yet a lot of it is. It appears--or rather I've heard her say almost as much--that she feels an obligation to everybody. The fear she has of losing anybody at all is exponential, even while she knows they are not all of the same worth, deep down.

Obviously as a crafter and gamer my girlfriend has many who I would term hobby partners. These are important and currently I'm actually making some myself, much to my amazement. The issue is that at times it appears like she views them all the same, mistakes somebody wanting to use her expertise as a sign of renewed close friendship after a long silence, and most definitely won't notice the few who are in it for her looks. It's actually a widely accepted opinion that she is beautiful and I fear her being used. We're polyamorous so while I will become insecure for myself at times, this is honestly more about me being protective of her heart.

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I think I might have it covered. Well, you can add in the usually meek and people-pleasing personality to that, the fact that even "personal time" can end up as trying to socialise in WoW groups, and huge feelings of duty to almost everybody who breathes.

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I stated I'm intense. We almost broke it off because I got upset at a plan change and mixed up communication when she was dealing with human input overload and scrambling to craft armour for a comic convention which was coming up. We managed to sort through that with the help of my carer. He is also connected to her romantically, a situation I have zero issue with.

I promised her that I would do my best to track down self-help in the meanwhile as I wait for therapy to start properly and for me to be responded to by the AS/HFA resources in the city. This has been ridiculously difficult. I feel as though I am failing her. :?

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So, clearly, I have issues and I respect hers as something which is not her fault. She is hyper vigilant towards anything she perceives as criticism, however, and will often view it as being forced/pushed. We both dated the same man in the past and I feel much of that could be leftovers from him added to natural disposition. He was... he just wasn't a healthy or kind person. I hope this shows that I respect her, know that she has obstacles, and I actually believe she is trying in a way to limit... although for the latter I feel like she is almost synonymous to the substance addict.

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I've mentioned this sort of issue to her once or twice and she tends to agree. Always vaguely, as is her way. I posted that article but wrote a qualifying statement which included a part about why hobby acquaintances are still incredibly important. This was on FB and I have no way of knowing whether she read it.

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Now, I don't plan on saying or doing anything for the time being and when it comes to it, I am going to be extremely careful, gentle, and slow-paced. However, I feel she needs some actual articles and other such materials to really show what the damage of spreading yourself thin is. Also, anything which helps her to assess people even if that means she winds up leaving me after all. All I want is to find ways to outline the issue in a way that can't be ignored, yet to do so compassionately.

While she states she is going to try to cut down on people, it sounds a little like the promises of an alcoholic. She knows she needs the space and I am more or less forced to give it to her out of terror that she may leave me. In the meanwhile, people who likely don't respect her are getting "the best of her". There are friends who are extremely positive for her, this can't be stated enough, yet even then they will also suffer from her tendency to give absolutely everybody her time.

I've been a little unfair, I suppose. She does say "No,". Just not enough. It comes down to what very much appears to viewing acquaintances as friends, everybody as friends, all deserving of the same effort even if they don't show that to her. It takes her a long time to work out when somebody is not good for her (hahahaha, that's me too! Honestly!)

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Considering I have done this, I know this, I've lived this, I'm at a loss. I had to suffer and fly deep into an autistic burnout until I realised it was not good. Even if it turns out that she is not on the spectrum (unlikely), she still could have the same happen. In fact... I'm almost certain that's what I'm seeing now.

I don't know what to do. If I say anything I'm pressuring her. If I don't then I am passively watching her crumble. I can try to leave breadcrumbs through FB posting of articles and self-care pointers, but I can never be sure that she will look. If I were to gift her with a physical book, that would be pressure. She would understandably become offended and hurt, thinking I consider her to be stupid which is so far from the truth that it is on the other side of the galaxy.

Even when I was spreading myself thin, I never done it in the same manner. I was never as seemingly frantic.

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Now I know people are going to say if she is happy then I should leave her alone and not be a judgemental idiot. Please understand that if I felt she were happy, I'd deal with the insecurity of being last on her list. I'd "take it on the chin" and work on it as I am going to, leaving her to her thing. This is not that case. I can tell you that she is not happy, not really, although she can hide it from people who don't look. Exhausted, strung out, anxious, fearful, hyper vigilant, even paranoid to a degree - these emotions are there and quite a few more. I see a battery rapidly depleting and I'm not entirely sure how much more she can take.

Perhaps she could go on like this indefinitely if she did not seek romantic connection and if life never, ever threw upsetting circumstances her way. In a perfect world, she could probably totter along the tightrope.

It isn't a perfect world.

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What am I looking for:

- Impulse control resources to stop me from speaking my mind;
- Some idea of how to eventually help;
- Resources which detail healthy friendship which can benefit us both;
- Tips on how long to leave it before saying anything and how much time in between each attempt at light assistance;
- Tips on what I can do for her when I am not giving resources, aside from leaving her alone when she asks for it;
- Anything which might go towards helping me become less insecure about thinking I am low on her priorities without actually talking to her.

As an explanation of the last point which does indeed seem unhealthy, I need to say that there are a LOT of life stressors for her right now and I will do anything I can to avoid adding to that unless entirely necessary. She needs stability and she doesn't have that even in her home environment (her flatmate seems to be an inconsiderate arsehole even though I thought he was alright at first). Money problems, all these friends, lots of them coming to her with all their own heavy problems, her taking on tasks or promises then being in a rush to complete them, comorbid issues, flashbacks... She has so much going on.

I know that a more logical attitude towards friendship would go a great way in settling her, as it will with myself, but I feel as if I am stuck between a rock and a hard place (if you know the idiom). I basically lose whichever way I look at it. On one hand I definitely am scared to lose her. On the other... I think I might be more concerned about her burning out for good. I'm at least slightly alexithymic so it is tricky to work out which feeling is stronger.

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Any help is appreciated.