[clm2009]

I've recently ended a bad relationship I was in with someone who has Asperger's syndrome. Their behavior was too much for me to handle. They do not seem to realize that the relationship has ended and they keep wanting to discuss every single thing that went wrong throughout our entire history together (i've known them for years). They insist that everything is my fault and I am to blame for all the hurt they have caused me because, according to them, I was the one who hurt them first. Its a never ending cycle. What should I do?

[VanillaBean]

Well, this might not be the nicest way to go, but I would ignore this person. Break the "never ending cycle" by not having any contact whatsoever with him or her. Don't take their calls, don't reply to emails, etc. Eventually, they will get it. Hopefully.

How long were you in a relationship with this person? I know you said you've known them for years, but for how long was it on a romantic level?

[SpottedOwl]

(((clm2009)))

Welcome to PC!!!

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with the break-up. People with AS can be some of the most loyal people in the world, but when it comes time to end a relationship that same loyalty can be very hard to deal with.

My advice (feel free to take or discard).
First, remember all of the wonderful things about the person. Remember why you started a relationship in the first place. Know that whatever happened between the two of you, there is a good person inside of your ex, just like you are a good person.

Second, accept that you each had a role to play, and that feelings were hurt on both sides. (Your ex may not be able to recognize this, so IMHO it is the responsibility of the person who does understand to take the lead.)

Then, and only then sit down to talk. Set a time frame for the talk, and establish the boundaries up front. Be willing to say 'I'm sorry I hurt you', and really mean it. Whether you mean to hurt the ex or not, it is real for him. Just like your hurt is real, whether he meant it or not.

Try to remember that what is easy for you (understanding social meanings) is very hard for your ex. It might help to imagine that you are explaining things to a child -- to keep the tone compassionate.

It is quite possible that your ex will never understand how and why you are hurt. It is not that he is a bad person, just his brain does not work the same way yours does. Be willing to walk away from the meeting without having any of your emotional needs met. The point of the meeting would be to bring closure, not to establish 'who is right'.

As they say ... it takes two to tango. If you can find compassion in yourself, the cycle of blame can end. I know it doesn't seem fair because you were hurt also, but the alternative is to hold onto the hurt and continue the cycle.

HTH. I know its hard.

[VanillaBean]

I feel the need to clarify my initial post. OP, I assumed that you had already been courteous enough to give your ex an explanation as to why you ended the relationship that they simply refused to accept. If that is not the case, I agree with SpottedOwl - your ex deserves closure.

[clm2009]

I've known them for almost a decade. The relationship really wasn't long or even that much of a relationship. We were friends for years but he kept making advances at me. Finally I decided to give him a shot but it was a bad idea. I know he can't help the way he is but he's also gone over some lines that I know any intelligent person could see. He's very verbally abusive. He's intelligent academic wise but has also non-existent emotional and social skills. Right now to him, I am the devil. He sees him as the reason for everything bad that happens to him, even his failed previous relationships before I even knew him. I think the only thing to do is ignore him.

[VanillaBean]

He was verbally abusive? If you don't mind me asking, what kinds of things did he say to you?

I know I have hurt people in my life, because I simply don't think the way they do, and I frequently don't understand why they are upset. I have caused a lot of tension in my relationships. Yet although this is a neurobiological disorder, I still have to take responsibility for my actions - AS is not a "free pass" to hurt people's feelings.