[bpdruins]

I've been trying to get better socially lately, but some things still are not working. I try to put myself 'out there' but it ends up with me saying a few things and then a big awkward pause. I also get the tendency to stare at people and I think that makes them feel uncomfortable. I simply don't know what to say or how to function in a group, so I end up 'observing' and listening but not fitting in. I'm on Zyprexa, Klonipin, but it doesn't seem like that is helping my ability to be social and hold a conversation, although it does relieve the social anxiety. Does anyone have any advice for me? How can I learn to fit in better...

[Snap66]

Hi bpdruins,

Familiarity to the group will come by those few words.
I have people that I could talk allday to, only because I know them well as they do me.

The pause sounds like your waiting for them to comment to reinforce your words.
So to me what you say is fine, maybe you could look at the after thoughts?

Sorry, I don't have any knowledge meds.

Snap

[Marla500]

I am working on this myself..what I think is helpful is to find someone that you have something in common with, that will give you something to talk to that person about. does that person have a pet? like to read? like to cook? have a favorite tv show? people like to talk about stuff like that.
It gets easier over time, keep practicingalso I would say seek out the kind hearted people to talk to. trying to have a conversation with someone who has a big ego is just frustrating and won't give you a good result.

I have been struggling for many years with avpd and it affects everyday of my life. I have avoided opening the mail or even taking it out of the mailbox, I ahve avoided social events also, I have avoided job interviews, I am avoiding returning to university due to the judgments passed there with professors, and my counsellor keeps telling me to just DO IT!

Easier said than done. I don't have panic attack symptoms I just freeze from doing it. It just feels like too big a load to handle. I think the only physical symptom I get is I sweat alot..it feels like hot flashes.

I am trying to take on a few social events this time of year because it tends to be busier and more the norm to be with people. After Christmas, when there is no "reason" to socialize, I find it much more difficult to motivate myself to talk to anybody and think I am just being a bother. Job search will be more difficult also because employers will be laying off after Christmas and New Year. It will be much less encouraging to bother job search.

It is difficult to convince myself to just DO IT, while my head is telling me all of teh reasons not to or of the risk of rejection associated with the tasks. I have to try to stop those thoughts from saying things like "Why are you doing this? You won't get the job. You have no experience. Why set yourself up for rejection again?" or "This is going to be stressful. I cannot relate to the happy lives of my cousins. I haven't been busy with life, I have nothing to talk about to them. What will I say if they ask me? Fine? Then what?"

I know these thoughts are not right but those are the deepest felt. How does one overcome this? Just Do It...seems more difficult than it sounds.

[Marla500]

Originally Posted by Ingrid2

I know these thoughts are not right but those are the deepest felt. How does one overcome this? Just Do It...seems more difficult than it sounds.

You are definitely right about that, those thoughts are very deep and they seem so real. I think it takes a lot of effort and constantly remembering those thoughts dont have to rule us, hopefully in time they will be fewer and farther between. I have really been pushing myself lately and having good results. it's still really stressful but I think it is getting better.
try to do it in a relatively safe environment-if you are in school that can be intimidating-coming in contact with people of all ages seems a lot easier. try to find people you have something in common with, then you can make small talk without feeling too awkward. hobbies are a good place to start

[Perna]

See if you can practice staring but be aware of your face at the same time and make it correspond to your own thoughts and feelings, rather than the other person? Tilt your head and frown slightly if you have a question or don't agree with something they say, smile and give a little "humph" with your shoulders if something is mildly amusing, raise your eyebrows or widen your eyes if what they say surprises or interests you. In other words, pay attention to yourself and how you are feeling about what is coming in and make it correspond and give the other some silent feedback.

When you are talking, occasionally ask an open-ended question (a question that cannot be answered with just a "yes" or "no"); ask about the person. I practice with grocery store clerks and will ask them how many more hours they have until they get off or until their break (especially if I see them sigh or yawn :-) or if the weather is doing something outside I'll comment on that and tell them they are lucky/it's too bad they're inside.

Start with conversation about things anyone has to know about (weather, their own activities) but don't grill the other person, give them something about yourself to help guide them; "How has your day been so far? I just got up; today is my day off and I'm meeting a friend for lunch after I finish here!" That shows you aren't just greeting them ("How are you?"/"Fine.") but want a little conversation. Then, you listen to their answer and pick something up from there that has you curious and comment on it or ask another question, etc.

For example, if I have the "How has your day been so far?" with the grocery clerk and they say, "Not many shoppers in here so far today, it's been pretty light" then you can rejoin with, "I guess Tuesday morning would be pretty light normally? What day(s) are busier or lightest? I'm sure the weekends are busy with everyone off work."

When we were having a heat wave last summer, I lucked out and got a clerk and the conversation was about how her apartment did not have air conditioning and her poor parakeet was stuck in that warm weather but we decided it was a tropical bird (and I confirmed for myself that she had made sure it had enough water) so okay but then went on to talk about after work and how she had just that moment during the conversation decided that she'd have her boyfriend pick her up and they'd go somewhere with AC rather than to her apartment, etc. It was a great, interesting, interpersonal conversation, beats just standing there watching the clerk scan the grocery items?

"I think it takes a lot of effort and constantly remembering those thoughts dont have to rule us, hopefully in time they will be fewer and farther between."

Thank you, Marla500. It is comforting to know that others understand.

And thank you also Perna, for the wonderful advice! It is very thoughtful and helpful.

I hope you both have a happy holiday season.

[Marla500]

really good advice from Perna, I think too that clerks and others that are trying to get through their work day appreciate it when people treat them like human beings, they dont always get that-sometimes they are treated like part of the furnishings or worse

I totally agree Marla. I have worked for 30+ years in customer service and I try to show a bit of extra kindness to those working in the same fields. I still try to realize though that even I have had my bad days and I might have been a bit "short" or curt with a salesperson or been impatient and I felt remorse afterwards but sometimes that customer has a lot on their shoulders. They need to vent as much as anybody else.

Of course, every once in a while there are some customers you wish you had the right to say "Stick it" to lol. I wonder sometimes if all of those eyars in customer service may be contributing to my avoidance. Never being allowed to defend yourself to an angry customer and having to apprear in control and unphased all the time....I dono't think that is healthy either.

[Rosie23]

I have a really hard time asserting myself socially also. But oddly if someone I am comfortable with invites me out I will go and be mostly O.K.
So I agree that being familiar with the people is a big part of it. I would have all kinds of anxiety if I had to go to social gathering and didn't know anyone.
Hang in there. We don't stick out in the crowd as much as we think we do.

[SillySelf]

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and Avoidant Personality Disorder though I think me being avoidant was a side effect of having PTSD. Anyways, I am a business major and really had to work on being less avoidant so that I could succeed in the business world. I have received many helpful tips and have tried lots of different things. Here is what worked for me:

1. People's favorite topic is THEMSELVES, so when starting a conversation, I would ask them a non threatening personal question like how their kids were doing if they had kids, or how their animals are, how their job was going etc. Once I can get someone talking, that lets me off the hook. People so much love to talk about themselves that all you have to do is smile and nod once in a while and insert a comment here and there. They then walk away thinking you are the greatest person ever because they got to talk about themselves and you cared enough to listen to them. It works like a charm !! I benefited from this because they pretty much did all of the talking and all I had to do was listen and insert a small comment every now and then. This got me more used to people and eventually I found it easier to converse with others. Now people can not shut me up LOL!!!!!

2. I do volunteer work. I have worked with animals and at the soup kitchens. Volunteering is a fantastic way to be less avoidant. First, it is not a paid job, so at least you have the comfort of knowing that if you freak or can not do it one particular day, you will not be fired and it is a good trial job to get a paid job. You get to mess up there and it will not too much matter LOL!! Secondly, volunteering gives you a common ground with others around you. If volunteering with animals, most likely animal lovers will come over and want to see the animal and now you both share a common bond and can talk about how much you love animals, or maybe the story behind the animal that you are caring for. It is much less threatening.

3. Once I got used to being around people and developed some social skills through my volunteering, I joined a church community group where I knew they would accept me no matter what. I was then able after a while to converse with a large group of people and be comfortable. I realize that not all are religious, so my advice in that case is to join a live support group of some kind that you feel would accept you no matter what.

I hope I was able to give you some tips that you could use and be of help. I have grown tremendously within the last year by doing what I have listed. I went from having ZERO friends and very avoidant, to now comfortably giving presentations to large crowds and being reasonably comfortable doing so.

[la doctora]

I have the opposite problem of staring. I avoid looking people in the eye when I am talking to them. I feel as if I am coming off aloof and disinterested sometimes, but I just can't make myself look in their eyes. I want to and I try. Every now and then I will, but only for a split second and then I turn away quickly so they won't think I'm staring in their eyes too much. It's like there's a magnet keeping my eyes pulled away from other eyes. I can move it when I apply force but it snaps back when I back off.