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#1
Sep 30, 2013, 02:04 AM
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I realized recently that when I think of something comforting or intelligent (hopefully) to say to people on here, I am imagining somebody else actually saying it half the time ... someone much cooler and more acceptable somehow than myself. I never noticed I do that until the last few weeks. It's never the same person, always some random person or even fictional character who seems so much more than myself. I can't seem to imagine Me being who I really want to be, if that makes any sense.
Last edited by Onward2wards; Sep 30, 2013 at 02:19 AM. Reason: Clarification |
 mzunderstood79, Thimble, Turtleboy
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 mzunderstood79, Silent_Efforts
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#2
Sep 30, 2013, 07:06 AM
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I get that in a way.
There's me. And there's my Construct. Which is me, but it's a carefully crafted me. Which is who I tend to present to the world. Almost none of my behaviours reflect ME although it's what I'd like me to actually be. I don't think that makes sense, but it does to me.
__________________
"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..." "I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
| mzunderstood79, Silent_Efforts, Thimble
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| Onward2wards, Silent_Efforts
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#3
Sep 30, 2013, 07:14 AM
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I totally understand that....
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| Onward2wards, Silent_Efforts, Thimble
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#4
Sep 30, 2013, 07:17 AM
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I have always been in the background. Never wanted attention until I turned 30 but now I don't like who I am because I don't know who I am. I have many layers......
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#5
Sep 30, 2013, 07:40 AM
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Makes Perfect sense! I do the EXACT same thing!!!
Though I think I find myself doing it mostly with people I meet here, or talk to only via chat or messaging usually... not those I meet or see face-to-face... It seems most of those things I would be too afraid or anxious to speak out or be, irl... I act like someone with certain traits I want to have for the situation, and be; but cannot even imagine it coming from the real me at the same time... So I in some way, start conversing as if it's coming from a different character... Seems I see myself much lesser than I am, a part of putting myself down before others do it, easier to handle... Fear of rejection in me is great, but fear of rejection of what i expect and hope of myself to be so as to not be rejected, is greater... So I feel, maybe this behaviour is kinda like testing, whether the person I feel I want to be (sometimes just for that moment), is in fact the right person to want to be or not? So if I make it feel foreign to myself, then even if that trait or person does turn out to be unacceptable or something, or I end up failing myself or the opposite person, the blow feels lesser than it would otherwise? idk... My apologies if I've been too repetitive, or if the post is too long, not very good at concise writing. Can't help you much, trying to understand it myself... But just wanted you to know you are not alone in this. |
| A Red Panda, Onward2wards
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#6
Sep 30, 2013, 08:00 AM
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Silent Efforts: I understand totally! I never thought of it like that, as testing myself and cushioning the blow.... but it fits perfectly.
It definitely hurts the most when I reach out and actually am being me. Whether it's when I reach out about something I need, or to share my actual emotions... or whether it's me when I'm genuinely excited about something. I am so so so easy to crush when I open up about those. But when I'm showing the Constructed Me... it doesn't hurt as much. It just means that the behaviour needs refined, or I need a new approach with that person.
__________________
"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..." "I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
| Silent_Efforts
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| Onward2wards, Silent_Efforts
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#7
Sep 30, 2013, 09:12 AM
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 (I get it  )
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| Onward2wards
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#8
Sep 30, 2013, 09:16 AM
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i've got this at times as well
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| Onward2wards
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#9
Sep 30, 2013, 08:14 PM
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Sounds like Fight Club syndrome to me.
Yeah I'm like that too but I really like it. It's part of the reason I like forums, I feel like I can be someone else who is superior. I like that I don't have to think so fast, I get to take my time with what I post so I can say exactly what I want to say. I usually jumble my words in most of my daily conversations. I like that I'm not nervous or shy about expressing myself. I like that I have an alias on this website and I like that I have a lot of control over what I share and don't share. I like that you're all beautiful strangers and that I am a stranger to you. In short, I truly feel that I am a better person on this forum, I wouldn't say I'm pretending. I am being who I want to be and that is very therapeutic for someone like me who is used to dealing with a pretty low self esteem and very little confidence. |
| Onward2wards, Silent_Efforts
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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