Friendship

This is, without any doubt, the topic I'm moré concern in now.

I want to talk with you about friendship. It's not that I have many knowledge in the topic, on the contrary, I'm looking for your thoughts.

The thing is that in a few months I have lost three friends for several reasons. I had to cut off one of the friendship for a 3rd person, it wasn't a voluntary act on my part. The other two friends left me. I consider one of them, my first friend ever. This is why I'm so hurt these days. Anyway, I consider them my friends even when the contact is finish forever.

Well, now I've got two closed on line friends and two in real world.

I'm wondering if I have a different concept of frienship than other people.
What I feel in relation to friendship is that it is over everything, it require a certain contact although it's not necessary a daily contact. And, mainly friendship is something that never ends up. I mean, you even can put a finish point to a partnership but true frienship never end up.

Perhaps, I' m very wrong or I don't know how to choose friends.

What's feelings, thoughts...about the topic?

Thank you in advance!

I think you know how to choose friends as you have had success in finding friends. The problem is that we have no control over whether they stay our friends if we have done nothing to injure that friendship. Sometimes we can do nothing to hurt the friendship and it still ends. I am so sorry that you lost some of your friends. I agree that when I have a friend that I do not need to be in touch with them daily. Sometimes I go a week or two and if I don't hear from them I call them to see if they are doing ok. Most friends seem to come and go. It is only some friends that we are able to keep no matter how many miles separate us or whatever time has gone by. I believe that you just haven't met the right kind of friends yet. If your heart is in the right place then that is the best platform for building new relationships and finding close friends. It will happen for you, Please don't give up.

Thank you for your kinds words.
I can't change this way of thinking. I'm a dreamer. I always believe that I mean something in people lifes as they mean something very important. I'm referring to true friends.

It's very difficult to let them go. I have many problems with it.
When I am smitten with a person, i would give everything for him/her. Perhaps, I put them in a pedestal. I think they decerve it.
I don't want to mean that they are bad or something similar but I have to learn that each person gives what he\she can gives.

I'm terrified of abandonment. That's a reason I don't have many friends.

As soon as there is a change in dynamics, as soon as the there is a reduction in the closeness I step away. This is the first sense of being abandoned.

I get why people leave or reduce their friendship but its hurts to be liked/loved one minute and then not the next... or not seen under the same light.

My sadness is loosing a friend, loosing what we had and knowing that it will never been the same and what we had is lost forever.
Maybe i'm being selfish in all this but this fear of abandonment wont heal and its been burnt into me from infancy to adulthood.

I'm the same... as soon as I feel a change starting, I'm apt to take that self-fulfilling prophecy route and pull out of the friendship to save myself the larger hurt. And, at least then I have good memories of the person left and only have myself to really blame. Whereas... if it goes to the point of them actually abandoning me, then it's like all the memories are tainted.

With friendships, I can go a long time between contact and still consider someone a friend. But, it depends on the dynamic of the friendship. Do they ever initiate the contact, or is it always me? When we talk, do they show an interest in my life, or I am simply inquiring about theirs and getting basic answers? If I come to visit their city or nearby, will they take any actual time to do something with me that isn't running chores with them? Do they only contact me if they need something? Once it gets to the point that the friendship is only there if I push for it... then it's no longer a friendship to me.

Red, I think your position is completely understable. If I see a change in the person towards me, I also wonder if it's worthy to leave the person.
For me, this is not a true friendship.
A friendship is for all life and without conditions.
Perhaps, I am learning to choose better my friends now. This is life.

I've got two problems: my seven years of isolation ravaged me not only in social skills but also in knowing people in advance. I really know them when it's too much late.
The second problem is that I'm so optimist. I see only the good side of life. So, I tend to put people in a pedestal. Neither my paranoical father affected me in that sense. He always said to me " you always see everything too much beautiful".

How can someone cures the pain for loosing a friend? Any idea appart from time.

This is me exactly. I would love to have lots of friends, but if I have to do all the work, I will give up. I believe that I should focus more on being a friend than the selfish desire of "accumulating" friends, then I wouldn't get into this cycle of getting frustrated with people not living up to my expectations and then isolating to avoid the pain of perceived rejection.

Azulo - see, I don't consider friendships to be "lifetime"... simply because, if that was the case, then I couldn't consider ANYONE a friend because there's no way to know if it will last for a lifetime or not. It just isn't possible. Same with knowing right away if someone's even worth your time or not... you can't tell right away. It's just not possible. If it was, then no one would waste their time on someone who wasn't going to be a true friend!!

Yeah, Red. I see your point. Anyway, the word "friends" implies many different grades.
I only was considering the true friends. Those ones who you considered your true friends.
Perhaps, I'm totally wrong. I can't think clearly at this moment. I'm so deeply sad.

That's the thing Azul.... it doesn't actually matter. No matter how good/true a friend is at the time, you can't say with any certainty if they'll still be in your life for any given amount of time. No one can read the future. It simply isn't possible.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so sad it's hard to lose a friendship when you thought it was the kind that would go on forever no matter what.

Look! This is why I post in the forum.
Attention seeker? What the hell!

Because I recive replies as intelligent and carefull as this one.

Thank you, Red. I go on feeling sad but I'm better bc I now have a better understanding. Within other reasons, the light you gave me, guys, with your replies.

Thank you, in heart!

Any time Azul. I've wrestled with the same thoughts and sadness over lost friendships that I didn't expect to ever lose. It hurts a lot!

Try to continue with the optimism with new friendships though. It's hard to keep giving everyone the same chance after getting hurt, it's hard to remember that not everyone will repeat the same things. I can struggle with that - although I give everyone a chance, there's always that bit in my head that's going "well, this is great now... I wonder when it's going to end?". I try to not worry about it, but I do. But, at least I keep trying!

Thank you. I don't know I can be in a different way. I'm very optimist in relation to my friends and the new people I meet.
I also, like you, give my friends a chance, many chances. They decerve it.

It has to be hard having in mind that a good thing can finish. I don't have this fear, but I understand now how bad may some avoidants suffer bc of it.

Red, it seems as you made a lot progress in this sense. Am I right? I mean, in abamdoning issues. How did you get it ?

My very best friends are fiction. I never have to worry about losing them because they are there as they are frozen in time.

i learned my lesson about friends, i had 2 close friends in college who i havnt seen in 20 years because they couldnt put up with my illness and accident that left me almost totally disabled. My one friend said, i dont want to see you anymore because i know what it is like to go through the pshysical symptoms of what i would experience in the future as i've been through it before with others. So much for that. My other friend turned out to be practically my worst enemy, i cant even stand the thought of her. She was two faced. Well i do wish i had more friends but i also do agree it can be hard to put up with my illness. I am married and my husband is great i don't know how he does it. I also have a 23 year old son.

So you have a best friend, your partner.