[AzulOscuro]

How it is used to say in my country, I'm got a thorn in my heart since yesterday.

Here it goes!

How do you cope with criticisms? I know it. The answer is obvious, that is, badly, as a good avoidant.

There are many kids of criticisms and many ways to do them.

For example, the ones I avoid as hell are the ones that are done in a rude way. The one that express no respect towards the person or are inflexible and are given from a suppoused superiority. And what about the ones that suppoused a bad intention in the person who is in fault. The fact that I avoid them, it doesn't mean they don't hurt.

But, as I said before there are many other types of criticisms.

Discuss!

[Orvel]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

How it is used to say in my country, I'm got a thorn in my heart since yesterday.

Here it goes!

How do you cope with criticisms? I know it. The answer is obvious, that is, badly, as a good avoidant.

There are many kids of criticisms and many ways to do them.

For example, the ones I avoid as hell are the ones that are done in a rude way. The one that express no respect towards the person or are inflexible and are given from a suppoused superiority. The fact that I avoid them, it doesn't mean they don't hurt.

But, as I said before there are many other types of criticisms.

Discuss!

I don't know much about this, except that criticism needs to be directed at actions and not people. Also, there is the positive criticism.

Edit: You can google about this. There are some nice articles on this.

The Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön has written that criticism, without compassion, can be just mean...

[ck2d]

No one's answering your question.

I'll jump on the bandwagon and say, that correcting an error is not a criticism.

But how to deal - the best way is to not personalize it, which it seems you are doing, so try to stop.

For me, I always try it on. Meaning, even if everything in me wants to reject what was said, I always try to see that perspective. If could be that I made an error! In which case, great - thank you so much for pointing it out to me! It could be that I'm not seeing everything, that I missed a crucial detail. Once again, great - thank you for the help! Or it could be that it just makes no sense at all.

If it's a fact that is being disputed - that's not criticism, that's just pointing out an error.

If it's an opinion - well, people have different opinions. That's not a criticism either.

So back to what I said originally - the most important thing is to not personalize it. If you do, you won't learn anything - won't learn if you made a mistake with facts, won't learn if it was someone's opinion and has nothing to do with you, won't learn new information that might change your opinion. Instead, you sit there sucking your thumb, which is pretty useless.

Granted, sometimes it's really easy to reject the impulse to personalize something, and sometimes it takes work and time. But if you feel criticized and you don't really look at it, you're wasting an opportunity. Don't do that! You might not get that chance again.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

The Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön has written that criticism, without compassion, can be just mean...

Very beautiful.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by ck2d

No one's answering your question.

I'll jump on the bandwagon and say, that correcting an error is not a criticism.

But how to deal - the best way is to not personalize it, which it seems you are doing, so try to stop.

For me, I always try it on. Meaning, even if everything in me wants to reject what was said, I always try to see that perspective. If could be that I made an error! In which case, great - thank you so much for pointing it out to me! It could be that I'm not seeing everything, that I missed a crucial detail. Once again, great - thank you for the help! Or it could be that it just makes no sense at all.

If it's a fact that is being disputed - that's not criticism, that's just pointing out an error.

If it's an opinion - well, people have different opinions. That's not a criticism either.

So back to what I said originally - the most important thing is to not personalize it. If you do, you won't learn anything - won't learn if you made a mistake with facts, won't learn if it was someone's opinion and has nothing to do with you, won't learn new information that might change your opinion. Instead, you sit there sucking your thumb, which is pretty useless.

Granted, sometimes it's really easy to reject the impulse to personalize something, and sometimes it takes work and time. But if you feel criticized and you don't really look at it, you're wasting an opportunity. Don't do that! You might not get that chance again.

You are right! A good criticism can be an opportunity to change you mind, learn or correct an error.
I also share your claim about the difficult for people, in general, to avoid personalizing a criticism. In the case of avoidants is even moré difficult bc an avoidant tends to take other people remarks as personal. They monitor each word to validate the poor image they have of themselves.

So, I go where I wanted to arrive. Criticizing is, like many other things, an art.
The constructive criticism loses its effect when it is made in a bad manner from a formal point of view, and it can be percived as personal.

The hamburger method is something I use everyday with my kids.
I didn't know it's what's called in that way. I use it for simple common sense, but I've got here what I copied from the net.

Hamburger method
One style of constructive criticism employs the "hamburger method",[10] in which each potentially harsh criticism (the "meat") is surrounded by compliments (the "buns"). The idea is to help the person being criticized feel more comfortable, and assure the person that the critic's perspective is not entirely negative. This is a specific application of the more general principle that criticism should be focused on maintaining healthy relationships, and be mindful of the positive as well as the negative.[11]

[ck2d]

The sandwich concept is great, but you're forgetting something big:
You might have offended or insulted or hurt the other person, and they may have taken something you said personally. If that's the case, you have to take care when you respond.

I have a friend I talk to nearly every day who sometimes gets testy with me. Everyone does that; we are human.

The first thing I do is stall for time. I need to make sure I'm not going to take it personally and react in a defensive way. I don't waste time saying, "What's your problem?" or "Whoa, calm down!" or anything like that. I will sometimes say exactly what's on my mind - "It seems like the conversation is taking a turn" or something similar.

The next thing I do is try to figure out what I did. Because 100% of the time I have contributed in some way. I might not have done anything on purpose - I might have hit a sore spot, or I might have miscommunicated something. Why it happened doesn't matter. It happened. I jump right in and correct it, clarify what I was saying if I was unclear, or say, "should we talk about something else now" if the topic is triggering.

And never make excuses. There is a big difference between saying, "I might not have been clear" and "you should know what I'm talking about." And that includes blaming a language difference - hello, Google translate! Dismissing or diminishing the hurt you have done is just adding insult to injury. Watch humor as a way to deflect, also - you might think you're witty, but you might actually be cruelly making fun of someone else's pain.

Think about it this way. If you step on someone's foot, even if it's an accident, you're going to apologize. If you make an excuse and say, "I didn't see you there," dismissing the injury you did, think about what you're telling that person. I didn't see you there = you're not worth me noticing = you don't matter. That's horrible!

If you feel criticized, especially when you're not actually being criticized, like if someone corrects your error or expresses a different opinion than the one you have, think hard about what you might have done to cause it. I'm not saying go into an avoidant free fall, where you blame yourself for living. Don't personalize it. Pull it apart and see how you contributed. Fix that, and you will show that you care for the other person.

If you dismiss it, or whine about how you feel so bad that you made the other person feel bad, so even though you did the original injury now you're requiring them to take care of your pain, that's callous, which is the opposite of compassion. It's very selfish. You're saying that your own pain is what matters, not the other person.

Pay attention if it's the tone that makes you feel like someone has "criticized" you. If it feels critical when it's actually not, when they're just pointing out an error or giving their opinion, you've probably stepped on someone's toes, whether your realized it or not.

[AzulOscuro]

What you pointed out about timing is right.
When there was a disappointed behaviour or a remark by the other person got upset you, it's convenient to have a cooling time in order you to not act when your feelings are overwhelming you.

Ck2d, I go on thinking that the tone is very important. That doesn't mean everybody have to share my opinión but for me it's very important.
I don't see it condescending, I see it as a proof of respect toward the other person.

Am I perfect? Of course, I'm not. All I'm saying is easier to explain than accomplish.
I'm sure I mess it all in many ocassions.
When I was in my teens, I was talking with my best friend about how might I get on the friends she introduced me.
My friend told me something that I haven't forgotten. She said that I sometimes make remarks that hurt or weren't liked by people. Of course, I was hurt by this remark, not for the remark itself but for the content. She expressed in a careful way so I wasn't upset by her. She made me think about what was wrong with me.
Since that day, I'm very cautious when talking to people.

That criticism didn't hurt me, on the contrary, it made me think.

[Snap66]

Originally Posted by ck2d

The sandwich concept is great, but you're forgetting something big:
You might have offended or insulted or hurt the other person, and they may have taken something you said personally. If that's the case, you have to take care when you respond.

I have a friend I talk to nearly every day who sometimes gets testy with me. Everyone does that; we are human.

The first thing I do is stall for time. I need to make sure I'm not going to take it personally and react in a defensive way. I don't waste time saying, "What's your problem?" or "Whoa, calm down!" or anything like that. I will sometimes say exactly what's on my mind - "It seems like the conversation is taking a turn" or something similar.

The next thing I do is try to figure out what I did. Because 100% of the time I have contributed in some way. I might not have done anything on purpose - I might have hit a sore spot, or I might have miscommunicated something. Why it happened doesn't matter. It happened. I jump right in and correct it, clarify what I was saying if I was unclear, or say, "should we talk about something else now" if the topic is triggering.

And never make excuses. There is a big difference between saying, "I might not have been clear" and "you should know what I'm talking about." And that includes blaming a language difference - hello, Google translate! Dismissing or diminishing the hurt you have done is just adding insult to injury. Watch humor as a way to deflect, also - you might think you're witty, but you might actually be cruelly making fun of someone else's pain.

Think about it this way. If you step on someone's foot, even if it's an accident, you're going to apologize. If you make an excuse and say, "I didn't see you there," dismissing the injury you did, think about what you're telling that person. I didn't see you there = you're not worth me noticing = you don't matter. That's horrible!

If you feel criticized, especially when you're not actually being criticized, like if someone corrects your error or expresses a different opinion than the one you have, think hard about what you might have done to cause it. I'm not saying go into an avoidant free fall, where you blame yourself for living. Don't personalize it. Pull it apart and see how you contributed. Fix that, and you will show that you care for the other person.

If you dismiss it, or whine about how you feel so bad that you made the other person feel bad, so even though you did the original injury now you're requiring them to take care of your pain, that's callous, which is the opposite of compassion. It's very selfish. You're saying that your own pain is what matters, not the other person.

Pay attention if it's the tone that makes you feel like someone has "criticized" you. If it feels critical when it's actually not, when they're just pointing out an error or giving their opinion, you've probably stepped on someone's toes, whether your realized it or not.

Criticism is venting of ones own insecurities and short comings and in no way helpful to either party.

No matter how you paint criticism... its still criticism!

[Snap66]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

What you pointed out about timing is right.
When there was a disappointed behaviour or a remark by the other person got upset you, it's convenient to have a cooling time in order you to not act when your feelings are overwhelming you.

Ck2d, I go on thinking that the tone is very important. That doesn't mean everybody have to share my opinión but for me it's very important.
I don't see it condescending, I see it as a proof of respect toward the other person.

Am I perfect? Of course, I'm not. All I'm saying is easier to explain than accomplish.
I'm sure I mess it all in many ocassions.
When I was in my teens, I was talking with my best friend about how might I get on the friends she introduced me.
My friend told me something that I haven't forgotten. She said that I sometimes make remarks that hurt or weren't liked by people. Of course, I was hurt by this remark, not for the remark itself but for the content. She expressed in a careful way so I wasn't upset by her. She made me think about what was wrong with me.
Since that day, I'm very cautious when talking to people.

That criticism didn't hurt me, on the contrary, it made me think.

I don't know bc i wasn't there to see her delivery, tone and body language but from the way you described it, she wasn't criticizing you.... she was advising/supporting you.

I also think it also depends on upbringing, education, state of mind at the time and who's actually telling you, in how you process, respond and recover.

[AzulOscuro]

It really hurt me and i was really shocked bc I didn't realized of this fault in me. Indeed, I'm still wondering myself what I do wrong. Nontheless, it made me think: hey they could be right.

[ck2d]

You have to let go of the hurt. That won't do anything for you. If you're hearing the same thing over and over again, it's probably true.

Everyone says something that bothers someone else. The thing is, you have to be aware of the other person's reaction. You can't be self-centered and assume you're delightful.

If someone stops talking as much, if someone seems annoyed, ask them why. Don't assume. You'll never learn unless you ask. Don't do it in a self-centered way either. Be genuinely interested in what's going on in the other person's head. Don't let yourself be guided back to talking about yourself. Get to the bottom of it.

Then, when they answer, whatever you do, don't take it personally. Don't say exactly what you said about what your friend told you - that hurt YOU. Because she wouldn't have said that if you hadn't already hurt HER. Like I said, that is very selfish behavior.

[AzulOscuro]

What my friend told me was a general criticism to my way to interact with people. I wasn't hurt by the remark or the opinión from her and her friends. I believed her bc she was my best friend and I new she didn't want anything bad for me. I was hurt for what the remark implied, you know, me like an inadequate person.
I asked her, of course.

There something that I still haven't understood. You put the stress on how we can hurt people with our behaviour, so it's normal that people are trigged to make us know that we did something bad.
Ok, this time the criticism is justified but where do you put the intentions.
I mean, I try to think people don't have bad intentions and don't act againts us on porpose. Isn't it something to take into account when you are going to point someone out a bad behaviour?

In the example I put about my frien, she couldn't give a single example. So, she wasn't very hurt by me. Today, is the day, when I still don't know what she meant. However, the remark is still with me. Why? I gave credit bc it wasn't only her friend's opinión but also her opinión.

[ck2d]

Intentions mean nothing. People say, I didn't mean it that way, but they're full of it. It's just an excuse so they can keep from taking responsibility for what they have done and said.

[AzulOscuro]

For me, intentions are everything. I never judge a person for a behaviour, unless this behaviour is repeated over and over again and the person didn't want to improve. We suck sometimes, and you know why, because we are human. We are imperfect and you know what, i like it in this way. We can learn as person by being moré understanding towards others and ourselves.

There is always a reason behind a person who makes an error, the circumstances, the knowledge, the mental state...many things.
I can't desagree moré in this aspect with you.

Perhaps, I'm completely wrong and you are right. I don't care. I prefer think in this way. This is what made people around me happier and so, as a result, I'm happier as well.

[ck2d]

Let me get this straight - you ask for an opinion - but when you get one, you say you don't care...

So you're just talking for the sake of it?

I think if you give people the benefit of the doubt, say, well, they didn't intend it to be so bad, you're setting yourself up for abuse.

In addition, if you are horrible to someone, and say, that wasn't my intention, then you're making an excuse for your behavior in order to not take responsibility for the hurt you did.

Remember, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." Don't be blinded by "intentions." Instead, do what you mean, say what you mean, and that's what will make you a better person.

[AzulOscuro]

Lol! Of course I care about the replies what I don't care, this time, is if I'm right or wrong in this aspect (intentions). I mean, if I would believe there are bad intentions behind people hehaviours, life was horrible.
I can understand that there are exceptions but as a rule, people are nice.

[AzulOscuro]

I can feel proud of myself that I'm learning to deal not only with insensitive remarks and valué judgement but also with lies. Here, no matter how the bad are the intentions of people, or if they have some psychological issues to cause this damage. I can understand but the hurt is made.

How to do it? Setting yourself in the most neutral and objetive view as possible, don't reply to provokative remarks, keep calm as much as possible only act to keep your rights safe in the most assertive way as possible.

I'm not gonna deny that I have a sick stomach for having to deal with this situation but there isn't another moré healthy way.

I hope this can help you if you, in the future have to face to a situation like this.