[BreakForTheLight]

When you're pretending to be a functioning human being who can hold a regular job and have normal relationships?

[Perna]

Ah, the Impostor syndrone: Impostor syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[catscradle1]

I feel like a fraud all the time. I feel extra pressure to be normal because I work in behavioral health. Nobody knows how I feel inside. I do selectively share my feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, depression, and dependencies. However, I would be mortified if someone knew I was apd.

[Captinbipolar]

All the time. My therapist says this is the main cause of me avoiding people and my social anxiety. I put up an act, a fake me if you will to fit in and suit other people. I'm so scared of people thinking something's wrong with me or of my mood swings that I put up a huge wall. I always said I would be a good actor because what I think and what I say are two different things always especially around new people. It tends to make me think My personality is pure fiction. I act this way to protect myself and others or so I think...it's not always a bad thing but can be devastating to my self esteem at times when I overthink it.

[darkfoxx]

I like to think of myself as a chameleon. Always changing colors to suit my surroundings but no one knowing my true color.

[lizzyjb]

I have always feel like a clown, always with a make up and a big smile on my face while I feel broken inside....

[AzulOscuro]

It seems to me that you, guys, are being a bit hard with yourselves.
You all are dealing the best as possible with your avoidance. It's necessary you try to do and behave as normal people as much as possible bc this is the best way for your well-being. There are people who are unable to do it. So, I would give you a cookie.

By the way, it doesn't mean that you are being a false persona. Most of people, put the best of themselves in society and the ones who don't, let me tell you that sometimes stink. I consider it a lack of respect.

[mountain human]

Originally Posted by catscradle1

I feel like a fraud all the time. I feel extra pressure to be normal because I work in behavioral health. Nobody knows how I feel inside. I do selectively share my feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, depression, and dependencies. However, I would be mortified if someone knew I was apd.

This, to the letter, is me. I've only shared my AvPD here and with a psychologist, who btw, diagnosed me with social anxiety and not AvPD. Ah, what the hell does he know? I'd like to believe that he's right, but I line up so well with the AvPD symptoms.

[lizzyjb]

I think that this is not to try to pass as normal to survive. At least I my case. I try to show my family and friends that I am ok just not to worry them.
That is the reason why I feel that I am a fake. I feel I am a lier. But I don't want they to know that I would like to die most of the times.

[AzulOscuro]

I think I have already said that before but I don't have the need to wear a fake, at least, at work. It's not that my coworkers know that I have this or that disorder but they know I have problems with social anxiety and depression. So, I feel comfortable in this sense.
I sometimes wonder if they consider me a worse proffessional but they seem to accept me.

With my family, they all know I'm a nut. but I had a hard time in the past bc I didn't want them to worry.

When I go to a new place that it's very rare, I have a very hard time, I want to be one more but it's very exhausting and not sure that I ever get it.

[BreakForTheLight]

Isn't it exhausting for you all?

Perna, interesting link, I'd never heard of that before, but I don't think that's it. Granted, I might underestimate myself a lot, but I do have real issues that are a problem in my life/my job.

I took a job answering the phone. It's not the best career choice for someone with AvPD/social anxiety. I feel like a liar for even applying to this job, obviously not mentioning my SA in the job interview. I never thought I would actually get it. I spent the last months avoiding all phone calls unless I knew who it was and why they were calling. I haven't even spoken to my own grandmother in months because I didn't have the energy to pretend everything is fine. I think I do the job okay and there are times I even enjoy it, but it is so exhausting.

At other times when I'm not even trying to hide anything, I'm confused that it's not obvious, that I seem to pass as a "normal" person. Like when a co-worker was surprised to hear I'd never had a boyfriend and don't have many friends. All I could think was "Isn't it obvious that there's something wrong with me, that I am way too shy and awkard?"

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Everyone is a 'fraud' and wears a public face, but some people are sensitive and perceptive enough to perceive the so-called fraud in themselves, but you have to look harder to see how others are faking it.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by BreakForTheLight

At other times when I'm not even trying to hide anything, I'm confused that it's not obvious, that I seem to pass as a "normal" person. Like when a co-worker was surprised to hear I'd never had a boyfriend and don't have many friends. All I could think was "Isn't it obvious that there's something wrong with me, that I am way too shy and awkard?"

Holly ****! I hate these situations. I don't know if you had trust enough this coworker to tell him/her such a thing. It's a very tough situation.
The times I was in the same situations I used to keep silence or say something to make clear that I didn't want to talk about it unless I felt this person as a friend. It's a way to safe my face but the failure feeling was inside.
I still feel very tiny when I see how my coworkers and people I meet have much more experience and interact with others much more easily than me.

With age, I'm becoming much more selective with people. I used to spend my time with people I notice that can be understanding. With others I only talk about the weather and the less as possible.

I think you can find some kind of balance. I know you find very hard to talk on the phone, but with time, it will be a mechanic activity. I hear about many avoidants who got used to the phone call in their work.
With your coworkers, the best for you is that they find you are a shy girl. They don't have to know anything else and think that, as the previous poster said, everyone wears a public face. They have also their problems, their disappointments, their flaws.

[BreakForTheLight]

Azul, of course this was someone I trusted! I would have avoided the subject with anyone else.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by BreakForTheLight

Azul, of course this was someone I trusted! I would have avoided the subject with anyone else.

Well, this is a good sign. Can you see it, you found someone you can trust in this job. This is very good. You can be yourself with him/her. This is a great released.
I try to be around by this kind of people. That makes things easier for me so much that I can be myself and even the better version of myself. I'm referring to even forget that I'm an avoidant.

[BreakForTheLight]

This was a while ago in my previous job Actually the same person asking me if I want to come back.....

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by BreakForTheLight

This was a while ago in my previous job Actually the same person asking me if I want to come back.....

I understand it better. It seemed to me that you trusted too fast. It normally takes years to me.

[BreakForTheLight]

Haha nooooooo I do not trust that quickly!

I'm kind of a proud bitter introvert. I feel like I wear my neurosis on my sleeve. I'm all too happy to not smile.

But after a while out of a depression, I will sort of miss it. Kinda feel guilty and shallow for being somewhat healthy.

I am embarrassed about not having a relationship, nevermind a normal one.

Originally Posted by BreakForTheLight

Isn't it exhausting for you all?

I'm confused that it's not obvious, that I seem to pass as a "normal" person. Like when a co-worker was surprised to hear I'd never had a boyfriend and don't have many friends. All I could think was "Isn't it obvious that there's something wrong with me, that I am way too shy and awkard?"

I can relate to this. I had a coworker who asked my age and asked if I had kids. When I said no she acted surprised and said how did you do that- I just stood there. Uhhh, how could I do that with my SA.

[lizzyjb]

I have heard some coworkers criticise another coworker's wife because she has depression. They say a lot of horrible things about her... I definitely don't want them saying such a horrible things about me.

[mountain human]

Originally Posted by lizzyjb

I have heard some coworkers criticise another coworker's wife because she has depression. They say a lot of horrible things about her... I definitely don't want them saying such a horrible things about me.

AMEN!!!!

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by lizzyjb

I have heard some coworkers criticise another coworker's wife because she has depression. They say a lot of horrible things about her... I definitely don't want them saying such a horrible things about me.

Unfortunatelly, I couldn't choose between tell them or not. If I could have chosen, I haven't say a word. My issues are mine and they are noone's business.

Once that I couldn't control this situation, I think if someone thinks bad about me for being depressed, **** them all.

[lizzyjb]

Well, the persons I'm taking about use to criticise all the world. Not especially because depression...
That is the reason why I prefer smile and shut my mouth.

[AzulOscuro]

Two bad. Yeah, I know what you mean. I would bet this person is the one who is unable to see anything bad in him/herself.
The more you close your mouth in front of this person and the further you are, the better.

I have just noticed you are from Spain.
Welcome to the forum (((((lizzy))))!