Hating myself for finally realising I have traits

Why didnt doctors tell me I had traits years ago so I would know what to focus on instead of bumbling my way through trying to figure out reasons for my behaviour?

She said this is insight. Had I even known about it years ago maybe I would have had insight then.

I feel worthless, hopeless and extremely anxious.

And if this is my personality, its never getting fixed.

Sorry, but what to you mean with "She said this is insight"?

I'm not diagnosed with AvPD, but I share way too many traits with this.
I suggest that you, please, don't rush into thinking that your personality is unfixable or that AvPD is your personality, because it is not. I too feel like my unhealthy behaviour has shaped me more than what I'm aware of, but being hard on yourself won't make things better.

You can learn how to cope through therapy (I kinda got it that you're seeing a doctor/therapist?) or some other method, and make things more manageable and less triggering.

I've been seeing a therapist up to 5 times a week, group therapy, CBT, DBT, art and animal therapy, psychodynamic therapy for over 12 years.

And Im sure as hell NOT getting better. If anything, worse as I grow more isolated.

I feel the same way. Had my AvPD been diagnosed when I was already an outsider and loner back in school, it could have been treated and never ever gotten that extreme. As you said, personality traits aren't instantly curable. But people are able to change over a long period of time. You can't change the past, as unfortunate as it may be. It's important to conclude with your past, but don't focus too much on it to the point where it only makes you feel bad and isn't helpful anymore. Sad to hear that therapy hasn't helped you and it's only gotten worse I share your pain.

Things are perhaps turning around in that I am going through a lot right now and hoping it is for a long term good outcome.

I wish I had been told that my behaviours were traits, I would have known what parts of me to focus on! It seems we wasted all this time letting me figure it out myself and that is frustrating.

I'd be frustrated too! At least knowing what the professionals think, even if it's just traits and not an actual diagnosis - well, knowing could help with feeling validated, and it could help with cutting yourself a break. "Ok, well, X seems impossible! Well that fits with the AvPD.... so no wonder it's a lot harder than Y - I'll just keep trying." Instead of just reconfirming all the bias against ourselves when something seems impossible.