[atlas747]

I'm desperate for help. My girlfriend and I are nearing our one year. I would describe our relationship as ideal. She is the dream girl I have always wanted. She is not perfect, but I love her flaws, and I love her, no matter what. And now, I'm losing her... and it's all my fault.

I was lucky to find her. I don't like socializing with people I don't know. We were coworkers and were I guess forced to work together. We became friends, stayed that way for a year, and eventually it blossomed into a relationship. Shortly after we started dating, I had to move an hour away and now I see her twice a week, usually we pick a weeknight for me to come up and we have dinner, and then I come up Sunday mornings and stay until the evening. In mid-April I will be moving back. I only spend the night if there is bad snow and the roads are dangerous, we were sexually active for a while, but no longer are, because both of us felt very pressured to perform and it was damaging both of our self esteems. We both have depression and social anxiety, her depression is worse than mine but she is receiving treatment for it. I cannot afford treatment at the moment but I do not experience self-destructive thoughts so it is low on my list of priorities.

I have other friends besides her. But not real friends. I have 5-6 friends that I message or text every once in a while with something funny, or an inside joke, a few times a week. My girlfriend and I talk for a few hours a day, albeit intermittently. Just constant checking in, "I love you," sending pictures of dogs (she loves dogs almost as much as she loves me) and talking about stuff that's happened through the day.

I always come to her with my problems. I trust her and she gives me good advice and she comforts me. And besides, I don't have anyone else to go to. But a few days ago, everything blew up.

She wanted to cancel our weeknight plans this week to go on a trip with her friends. Normally I would be fine with just rescheduling to a different night, but this week I had work obligations that would've meant I would spend about ten minutes with her before I had to leave. I overreacted really badly. I wasn't angry with her, but I was very hurt. I have always been heavily insecure about being abandoned, and her exact words were "I'd rather go with my friends." That on top of the fact that I was always taught that it's rude to cancel social plans just to make different social plans with another person, made it hurt for me. We fought about it for a while, but I conceded, and it seemed we were alright.

The next morning, she was happy. I was happy. It seemed like everything was fine. But then around noon her mom called, and she told her mom about our argument to see if she was being irrational. Over the course of the conversation, she realized that our relationship is not healthy because I'm too clingy and possessive. She says her mom didn't put this idea in her head, but that she convinced herself of it as she was explaining everything to her mom. My clinginess caused problems for us at the very beginning of our relationship, and I managed to back off a little bit, and she said a few months ago that she liked the level of clinginess I had (I can best describe it as I was jealous but I didn't try to stop her from going places, didn't try to control what she dressed like or who she talked to, and I have never gone through her phone. I do get hurt sometimes when she disappears and says she was talking on the phone to one of her guy friends, but I do my best to brush it off.)

The conversation with her mom was on Monday. The rest of Monday I spent pleading with her not to leave me, and she kept saying "I don't know what to do". Tuesday was so-so, I wasn't much better but she started warming up to me. She said she doesn't love me like she used to, and she doesn't feel anything when we hug or kiss. Tuesday evening she read some old love letters I wrote her and realized how much I love her. She said she was sorry for pushing me away. Wednesday we did pretty well, no arguments and we went to bed fairly happy. Today was half-and-half. This is the day we were supposed to be together. She went on the day trip with her friends and this morning and through the day was happy and affectionate and said she felt like we were making progress. Tonight things started falling apart. After a while, she started sounding cold, and this made me sad. But I did my best not to show it, because Monday she said that it stressed her when I got sad without much reason. But somehow she detected it, and so I stopped trying to hide it. She started telling me that I need to make friends because it would be easier for her if I had friends that I could talk to about this stuff instead. After a while she realized that she was being mean, and she got very sad. She started talking like she didn't think we could repair anything, and reminded me of how she doesn't love me like she used to, and that in the past few days, a lot of things that have never bothered her before about me (like the fact that I don't have any friends, or that I come to her with all of my problems) are suddenly ticking her off very badly. Last Friday she was switched from the birth control pill to the shot. I am thinking this may be why she is experiencing irritability over nothing.

That was a very long and disorganized story and I apologize. I am crying as I write this and I am desperate for help. I love her with all of my heart and I was planning to propose on our anniversary. I can't bear to lose her. I recognize that I need to be less dependent on her and I will do everything I can to fix that, but I've hardly been able to function for the past few days (outside of trying to think of ways to heal us, and talking to her), much less give significant thought to self-administered psychotherapy. We have both taken off work tomorrow (Friday the 18th) afternoon to meet and spend time together. I feel that this will either be the turning point or the breaking point for us.

Please, anyone that can give me advice, do... I'm willing to do whatever it takes to not lose this girl. She means the world to me.

(((hugs)))

[elevatedsoul]

its hard on your significant other to try to handle all of our problems... alot of times normal people wont realize what we feel..
i know how you feel about trusting her and talking to her about things because i did that once... it was just easy to talk to her, but i think it was a bad thing because it makes them feel bad... im not good at relationship advice but i can tell you have feelings for her...
i dont think its good when she is telling you she doesnt love you like before.. love changes after you been together for some time... in the beginning its like a blazing fire... but after a while it calms down, thats not such a bad thing if you both are happy... i know for you its probably the same as it was with me, my fire never really calmed down because of the feelings i had for her... but her not having the same issues as me i guess her fire went out...
this is a really scary thing... the only thing i can say to you is to try to be honest and understanding... have a real good talk about it and all... but can't talk about problems everytime you talk to her... need to enjoy each others company and be able to make each other feel good...
like i said im not good with relationship advice because i have a lot of problems in that area... but i know this is important to you... have you asked her what she wants you to do? or what it is that is making her unhappy..?
does she understand that avpd causes these fears...?

its ok to rely on her but i think its hard on the other when we have to rely so much...
it is a good idea to make friends but thats not easy... maybe you can just talk here sometimes to let off some steam instead of putting everything on her plate so to speak..?

im probably not making any sense and my post is all scrambled...
just wanted to stop in and say a few words... relationships are hard...
how old are you both?

[sriracha]

This sounds difficult and frustrating, but what I'm about to say is only in constructive criticism, because I can see that this is painful. In my opinion, clinginess, possessiveness and fear of abandonment are detrimental to a relationship. I think by resisting the urge to beg and plead, things may improve. But understand that real love means real respect. Sounds like you love her a lot, so although it's hard, you must respect whatever decision she makes. But here's the thing: you need to think clearly about what it is you need from the relationship and what you can give, because love is about giving, as well as receiving. If you want her to stay just to avoid pain, then what will you have? One-sided relationships are always more painful and unhealthy in the long term. To avoid such a thing, ask her and really (calmly) listen to what she needs. How can you best support her? What can you do, or quit doing, to strengthen your bond? How can you clearly communicate what you need from her? When she says she doesn't feel anything when you hug and kiss this might mean (1) honeymoon phase is over, (2) that she is frustrated with you, or (3) that she needs out. The end of the honeymoon phase is an opportunity to work on a long-term relationship, it's not bad at all! But it's not easy either. If she's just upset, then you need to listen to her and find out what she needs from you. If you are ready to commit to her, then you have to commit to yourself and become more secure and able to handle your emotions. This is crucial to the repair process, but of course you should never make an empty promise just to keep her around, always follow through. I'd agree it was bad form for her to stand you up in favor of her friends. That's just rude. But I'd also agree with her that you should find some friends for yourself. This is so hard, trust me I know, but when you have multiple people that you are close to, it balances out the relationship because you're not dependent on one person which puts a lot of pressure on both of you. I can guarantee that friendships will help you feel more secure and happier. You'd have your friends, she has hers, it's healthy that you both have independent lives as people, but at the end of the day, you can come back to each other as a loving union. Best wishes to both of you, hope you find your way back!