[mortalache]

Less than a year ago I began seeing a new therapist after the other retired. By the second session it became clear the pattern of behaviors I've been living with, and avoidant personality disorder is what he threw out to me as I'd been saying I wish I had a name for this, know depression couldn't be the only reason behind what I was going through. Ever since then I've been trying to break up the pattern and do the opposite of what I naturally lean towards. I'm making a little progress, but it still hangs around in my mind the idea that it's too late to make a difference. I'm too set in my ways and will just have to live with the misery they cause.

Anyway, I just started a new job about 6 weeks ago and I'm having a rough time. Training is killing me. I'm being watched and my anxiety about making mistakes actually causes me to make more of them. The embarrassment is beyond what I can tolerate. There have been too many days already where I've felt I'd rather die than put myself through another day of it all. I feel totally exposed and as if everyone around can see how awful I am. That I don't really belong there and shouldn't continue.

I don't expect support, but I just needed to share this. I've decided to increase sessions with the doctor as I try to adjust to the new people/situation of my job, because I've thought about hurting myself again. The isolation, the fear and near panic I go into when I consider disappointing people...It seems hopeless now. I can't really change and yet I can't see living like this forever.

[Snap66]

Definitely an avoidants nightmare being under the spotlight.

Nothing worse than having your work/training open for assessment, followed by heavy internal self judgement.

Although the avoidance thoughts are always going to be there which is the constant, so perhaps focus on counting down on time in training.

Welcome :-)

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome

[kecanoe]

How long is training?

[mortalache]

There is no definite end, but I'm assuming the first 90 days. I'm in the middle of it and still don't feel close to comfortable. I've been considering what I will say at the end of that period if I really don't feel ready...I don't think I could survive the trouble in looking for another job at this point. I just hope something gets better.

Thank you guys very much for the welcome, btw.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by mortalache

Less than a year ago I began seeing a new therapist after the other retired. By the second session it became clear the pattern of behaviors I've been living with, and avoidant personality disorder is what he threw out to me as I'd been saying I wish I had a name for this, know depression couldn't be the only reason behind what I was going through. Ever since then I've been trying to break up the pattern and do the opposite of what I naturally lean towards. I'm making a little progress, but it still hangs around in my mind the idea that it's too late to make a difference. I'm too set in my ways and will just have to live with the misery they cause.

Anyway, I just started a new job about 6 weeks ago and I'm having a rough time. Training is killing me. I'm being watched and my anxiety about making mistakes actually causes me to make more of them. The embarrassment is beyond what I can tolerate. There have been too many days already where I've felt I'd rather die than put myself through another day of it all. I feel totally exposed and as if everyone around can see how awful I am. That I don't really belong there and shouldn't continue.

I don't expect support, but I just needed to share this. I've decided to increase sessions with the doctor as I try to adjust to the new people/situation of my job, because I've thought about hurting myself again. The isolation, the fear and near panic I go into when I consider disappointing people...It seems hopeless now. I can't really change and yet I can't see living like this forever.

I'm so sorry you're suffering right now. I understand the anxiety of being "assessed." After my psych testing and then starting therapy w/a different T, the assessment of what might be causing my cognitive issues was a nightmare. There was no more testing...just knowing my T was listening so closely to what I said and the things I could talk about made me crazy! I finally asked my T about 3 months in..."Are you still trying to figure out what's wrong w/me?" Of course, T didn't respond.

Anyway, if you're comfortable w/your T and believe he can help you, do as much as you can in therapy. It's admirable that you're trying to do more things on your own, but maybe asking your T if there's a better way to get through this probationary period so you won't be so anxious...?

Wishing you all the best! It's rough...