[abusedtoy]

I cannot have any relationships.
I cannot make any friendships.
For I am avoidant.

I get hurt so easily, even at the slightest thing, due to lifelong trauma. Emotional wound is like unto physical, just that you cannot see, it doesn't mean it is not there. When you are wounded, further wounding it would make it worse. So, this is somewhat an analogy. It is like my emotions and feelings have been amplified a thousand times. But, emotional wound is a lot more worse, in my opinion, because you never know when it will be healed, while the physical, possibly. There are triggers that would remind you of memories, then the pain comes flood into your being again. I therefore keep silent. When silence is the way to calm myself down. When silence doesn't hurt. When isolation means reducing the risk of being harmed again. Even the thought of it is re-traumatizing me too.

What if I cross my boundary? I could imagine myself get into extreme panic mode, may even get paralysed at the fear of rejection, because I have known rejection all my life. I knew every bit of it and how it felt like completely, including the feelings of humiliation that I have suffered on a daily basis for over a decade. I could imagine myself of self-projecting out of my body if I get too afraid. When relationship is mixed with trauma, it is like touching with the fire, while others are touching the water, refreshed yet unharmed.

[All Is Revealed]

Social Isolation is the best thing ever. It can prevent you from being hurt. But it can also be a good way to avoid all that unnecessary drama that people bring. I learned my lesson from not being isolated. I learned that life is too short to be dragged into everyone's ridiculous issues. And I'm talking about the issues of supposed "mentally normal" people. Who in my experience are worse than mentally ill people.

Sorry, I don't mean to offend mentally sane people. But my experience with them has shown me they're no better than mentally ill people like us.

[Snap66]

Originally Posted by All Is Revealed

Social Isolation is the best thing ever. It can prevent you from being hurt.

Not really.

[All Is Revealed]

Originally Posted by Snap66

Not really.

You're right.

[CepheidVariable]

I'm sorry for your long struggle, abusedtoy.

I seem to recall from seeing another post of yours that you are in therapy, so I know you are probably working through your current thinking there.

Relationships and friends can be painful and scary, I know. Maybe it's enough just to talk a little for now.

PC is a pretty supportive environment.

[abusedtoy]

Originally Posted by CepheidVariable

I'm sorry for your long struggle, abusedtoy.

I seem to recall from seeing another post of yours that you are in therapy, so I know you are probably working through your current thinking there.

Relationships and friends can be painful and scary, I know. Maybe it's enough just to talk a little for now.

PC is a pretty supportive environment.

CV, no one wanted me for most of my life. I have been friendless for most of my life also, humiliated. I have been thinking in my next appointment with my T, telling her that I never had such attention as what was received and will receive from her, because in the room, all the attention was on me and it feels so uncomfortable...it feels so bad that I am the centre of attention and all she was looking at was me and me alone. I never thought that anyone would want me, would want to talk to me or even think well of me. My feelings / reactions are amplified with interactions with others. I get hurt at the slightest of things, due to the trauma. I told her that I feel invisible before all others, like I do not exist. Then, one day, my T said: "No, you are not invisible. What I see now, is that you are visible in front of me." It was quite gentle of her.

I was in self-imposed isolation for the first fifteen years of my adult life. And after three years of sticking my head out, I am once again embracing the solitude.

I don't know any of you, but for some, isolation isbetter. I have great difficulty relating to people, and I don't find relationships with others fulfilling.

People throughout my life have tried to fix my introversion, but some just get along best on their own and prefer to be alone.

[CepheidVariable]

I have since seen some of your other posts, and I am truly sorry to hear what you've been through.

I am also so glad to hear that you have a therapist who is gentle and that you seem to relate to. I think it is a good idea to tell her what you said here. I think I understand -- and how conflicting that connection feels.

Wishing you well.

[Grath]

Originally Posted by abusedtoy

I cannot have any relationships.
I cannot make any friendships.
For I am avoidant.

I get hurt so easily, even at the slightest thing, due to lifelong trauma. Emotional wound is like unto physical, just that you cannot see, it doesn't mean it is not there. When you are wounded, further wounding it would make it worse. So, this is somewhat an analogy. It is like my emotions and feelings have been amplified a thousand times. But, emotional wound is a lot more worse, in my opinion, because you never know when it will be healed, while the physical, possibly. There are triggers that would remind you of memories, then the pain comes flood into your being again. I therefore keep silent. When silence is the way to calm myself down. When silence doesn't hurt. When isolation means reducing the risk of being harmed again. Even the thought of it is re-traumatizing me too.

What if I cross my boundary? I could imagine myself get into extreme panic mode, may even get paralysed at the fear of rejection, because I have known rejection all my life. I knew every bit of it and how it felt like completely, including the feelings of humiliation that I have suffered on a daily basis for over a decade. I could imagine myself of self-projecting out of my body if I get too afraid. When relationship is mixed with trauma, it is like touching with the fire, while others are touching the water, refreshed yet unharmed.

I can relate to this extremely well. The slightest change of environment or situation is enough for me to withdraw from people. In fact, I'm in such a situation right now. I haven't left my apartment for three days now, afraid of what and who is out there, afraid of the brutal reality smacking me in the face as soon as I stick my head out the door.

But here's something I realised: I'm not shutting the door on the storm outside if I'm avoidant. I'm shutting the door on the storm inside me. I'm too afraid to confront the storm of emotions inside me, so I hide from it and bubble it up. But that's not healthy. And not helpful.

We all need to confront this if we don't want our storms to devour us from the inside. I hope that I'll be strong enough for that at some point.