[sillystef]

hello to anyone who reads this
i am bipolar type II, have been for i guess 9 or 10 years, though only diagnosed about 2 years ago (and still fiddling with meds). now that i am done school i have moved back home due to financial and mental reasons. i will be loosing my job in 1 month, and cannot find work. i will thus probably be moving away with my parents this fall. in the meantime things are pretty bleak. i am still up and down, and to top it off i self injure. starting cutting again. at this exact moment i am feeling pretty low (okay very low, pretty much crying and having bad thoughts run through my head). i have no one to talk to. life has been a bit tough on me at the moment, as i have been very stressed out with money, loosing my current job, and unable to find a new one. no independance, no stability and with moving back home i have very few friends in town. the stress of my current living situation has been hard on me, but what is getting me down at the moment is a particular boy. i have become good friends with this guy who is very very good to me. i of course developed a rather big crush on him. it will not go anywhere cause he is much older and married, etc. we are staying friends, but it just breaks my heart each time i see him. i cannot wait to see him everyday and talk (i probably see him about 20 min a day), i feel like it is the only good thing i have at the moment. but otherwise i am either just waiting around for that moment, or crying because i feel so alone and so hurt and so dumb and stupid. since i will probably be moving away in a couple of months i dont really want to go out and try to make new friends, etc cause i will end up just leaving them again. i am probably not explaining myself very well. point is that i am just feeling very sad, terribly alone, and relatively hopeless. i just want someone to lay there and hug me.

[JourneyUpward]

Hi Stef,

You explained yourself just fine. I'm sorry that life hurts so bad for you right now.

You mentioned that you are still cycling up and down as well as cutting. Are you still seeing your doctor--have you told him about this? I ask because I care about you and hope you will get the help you need so badly right now.

The doc can help you if he knows what you are experiencing and doing--you are really part of his team when you do this, really. I know from experience - don't tell all vs do tell all.

You mentioned that your boyfriend is much older and married. I won't address this issue here. Once you've been here a bit and feel comfortable, if you want to PM me I'll be here for you. I wish I could fix everything for you right now, immediately.

But do keep coming here. There are lots of good people here who help each other get through their hurts and troubles and find each other good info. You can make friends here and you can take them with you wherever you may go--just make sure you have internet access

Stef, if you mean you are silly because you are a fun and goofy prankster then that's good and true. But if you mean you're silly because of the state you are in, you are not silly. You are just like the rest of us.

Welcome to our forum, come often, let us help, and make some friends.
JourneyUpward

[sillystef]

hey journeyupward,

thanks for the kind words. just to clear up something - the guy i was talking about who is married and older, he is NOT my boyfriend, just a friend that i have a wee crush on. nothing will happen between us, but having those feelings, it is just a reminder sometimes that i am alone. i guess part of me wants a boyfriend, or just a really close friend who cares and that i can talk to easily and someone who i know will always be there. so yeh, i am not involved with that guy, he is true to his family and my little crush will fade away as it should.

i am still seeing my doctor - actually i saw him today. we talked and i have finally agreed to seeing someone more qualified to deal with my situation. i have another issue, on top of being bipolar, that i think i need to deal with (though the two problems go hand in hand). tomorrow i am going to call and make an appointment, and hopefully start the road to better recovery. i wish it were immediate....

what does PM mean? you mentioned i could PM you, but i am not sure what that means......

i am doing better today but still feeling low. i will get through it though it seems hopeless at times. it is nice to just say it though, which is why i signed up here.

silly stef is cause (when i am more normal ie. not on a low) i am usually relatively free spirited, artsy and adventurous and try almost anything. silly just cause i can come off as a crazy fun person (no pun intended with the crazy)

thanks for replying, and you take care
stef