[JourneyUpward]

I'm losing the fight. There is no joy left in me. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. To do an errand with my husband or meet some friends for dinner or an afternoon out is an extremely overwhelming task and requires every bit of strength that left in my being. It leaves me horribly weak and depressed the next day.

The psychotic symptoms are increasing even though I'm on the right kinds of meds for it. Plus, during the very brief times I feel normal (5 days or less), I still see, hear and feel things. This scares me to death. I wonder what will happen if we never are able to control it. As it gains strength, and it is already, what will become of me?

I feel like I am ruining my husband's life. He is very social, loves to go out and meet new people, loves to see new places.

I have a friend flying in to see me in a week. I have always liked and enjoyed her very much. Now, I don't want to see her. I don't want her to see me this way. She's looking forward to doing some nice things with me. I really don't want to. I want to hide away and disappear. But I will give every last ounce of strength in my being to her for a whole week. When she leaves, as always, I will have a very deep crash in mood.

HOW SELFISH I'VE BECOME! I used to be an upbeat person most of the time. I would help others. They could come to my home, pour out their hurts and problems while I sat to listen. Then I'd ask them to find the central part of the issue. Then I'd help them find the tools they forgot they had to help them discover a solution themselves to take home and apply. It never failed to to build up their courage and strength. But these weren't mental problems.

Now I can't help myself anymore. I'm a sorry excuse for a human. One who is focused in on herself and crying for help while wanting to withdraw from life and humanity. I'm nothing more than a crying, irresponsible, spoiled infant in an adult sized body.

I wish death was easy. I'd probably have checked out already.

Depression is taking hold of all my senses now. I'm dozing off at my computer and it's only 11:30.

Thanks for listening
JourneyUpward
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Life's a trip: sometimes up, sometimes down but always moving towards another tomorrow. --Me

[thinker22]

It's hard not to sound trite when someone is in so much pain and you want to comfort them. Anyone who has experienced the severe depression you are going through can relate, but it feels so lonely and isolating and exactly as you are describing it while you are in the middle of it, it's hard to believe anyone else could understand. It feels like you are being selfish, spoiled, childish, etc. But the enemy is chemicals in your brain. Not you.

Yes, the people around us who love us really want us to feel better and at times can seem to be losing their patience. They might even say unhelpful things like "snap out of it" or "you have so much to be thankful for." That only makes us feel worse because we know all the good in our life but still can't dispel the heaviness/emptiness/clawing despair.

If you have a therapist or a psychiatric doctor, schedule an appointment as soon as possible. You don't have to battle this alone. The enemy is not you. And when you're experiencing this much suffering, it's really hard to read the emotions of the people around you, even those close to you.

When I was in a severe depression during the winter I thought people were angry with me or disappointed in me, but it turned out they were just concerned for me and wanted me to get help and feel better. I got all paranoid too. I didn't want to see or talk to my friends, started pushing them away and felt like maybe they wouldn't want to be friends with me if they saw me in this state. People who've known you in the good times will understand in the bad times that this is not the real you. They just want you to feel better.

You need to take care of yourself. That may mean going to your doctor for a prescription or to the hospital temporarily. Depending on how disturbing your mood and thoughts are, take the appropriate positive action. If you're afraid, ask someone you trust that you feel is not judgmental to make the phone call(s) for you. You are loved and this is treatable.

[JourneyUpward]

Thank you Thinker,

When in this state I can't even remember the helpful and important steps one should take to stay safe.

I appreciate you kindness, encouragement and the steps I need to remember (or maybe write down where I can see it) for my safety.

As far as friends, if they don't love me as I am, then they are not true friends. It's just that when they come from so far away to see us, I don't want to be in the dregs of depression--I want to show them a good time and have fun with them.

My friend is taking a plane from up north to FL. I want to be happy to take her to see the sights, a dinner theater, etc.

Ah, well. It is what it is I guess. I wish I could learn to embrace this awful illness.

What have you learned to do that is helping you to cope, Thinker?

Thanks much,
JourneyUpward

[thinker22]

I'm still learning to cope myself. I had a terrible spell of depression for over a week, then I got hypomanic on the evening of June 30th, it lasted throughout yesterday, and this morning I just feel good and normal. I blame the severe depression on the Effexor and coming off of it as being a help.

For me, the only thing that has helped are the useful meds and talk therapy. I'm on Wellbutrin in the am for energy and Seroquel in the pm so I can sleep approx 8 hours. I didn't use to be able to count on getting sleep and that can worsen an already troubled mood.

Understanding bipolar has been half the battle for me. I didn't know I had anything but depression before a few weeks ago when I got diagnosed. We discovered in therapy some serious manic periods in my past, plus the hypomania that allows me to write and accomplish things. However, as you probably know by now, the longest stretches of time for bipolar people are the depressive episodes. One thing I do is tell myself that my mood will swing the other way if I give it enough time. And it always does, but even one day of depression seems endless!

If I'm feeling really bad, wish to disappear or sleep interminably so I don't have to feel this way, I schedule an earlier appt w/my therapist or call my P-doc to see if we can adjust my meds. That's what I finally did (call the P-doc) on Monday night because the depression was so unbearable. So I got prescribed Lamictal and after I'm completely off of Effexor I will start this new mood stabilizer on Sunday. Will tell you how that goes.

If you have a friend coming into town and you want to feel better before she arrives, I'd recommend changing something, anything. Whether it's your meds, or talking to a professional, or to a close friend. That's what they're there for. Just the expectation of being able to get some help often improves one's mood. Reaching out is hard when you're so low, but believe me, well worth it. It's better to not let things go any further because I'm sure you don't want to wind up in the hospital. No one does. There's no stigma attached to going to the hospital if you truly are at that point and need it to get your meds stabilized fast, but if you're not having any ideation, just not feeling like you can go out or accomplish anything, crying for no apparent reason, etc., I'd say call one of your Dr's or have someone call them for you.