making myself manic

suddenly, I can't spend time sleeping or eating or breathing. Working is EXTREMELY hard. I'm a phone rep so I'm currently begging my boss (who's not even here yet) to let me work off the phone today. I can't concentrate. Last night, I fell asleep around 2 after watching a couple hours of different make up techniques on youtube. OH YOUTUBE! I came to work today with no make up on. Woke up at 5. Did a load of laundry danced around the house. I've missed my medicine three times in seven days. I don't want to see my boyfriend. He asked if I stopped taking my medicine. I told him to *&^% himself. I lock myself in my room when I'm home. All I can think about it dying. I'm terrified that I'll slip and fall in the bathtub so I've been avoiding a shower. I thought about getting dirt and sprinkling it on the floor so I don't fall, but that sounds crazy. There's no reason someone like me has to be on Lithium, Lamictal, Remeron, Celexa, and Klonopin. The pills make my stomach upset. If I hadn't of been stupid and exhausted my FMLA until October I would be lying on my bed and taking enough Klonopin to quiet my own voice. I can hear the ocean. I see my tdoc tomorrow. I know this is my fault. I see my pdoc on 8-15. He doesn't care about me. My life has been over for a long time and I don't know how to jumpstart it. I've been throwing away things all week. I wonder if that's on par with "purging." Metaphorically throwing my life away...what of it? Carrie Fisher understands, "Come with ME. I've got an AMAZING idea."

----------------------------------------------------------

ONE email lets all of your coworkers know you're crazy. Stay away from the reply all button. My head is spinning.
----------------------------------------------------------

They know I haven't been doing my mandatory overtime. Eight hours extra when I can barely be here 40 without rolling into a ball and crying. It's too much. I'm going to lose my job. The woman who's in charge of keeping track of the overtime is helping me. She knows something is wrong, but she's too polite to ask. I can feel my blood moving under my skin.

HEY THINKER!
I want a shirt that says:

Bipolar - yes go through stages of throwing things away - the just seem to bug me. Yes I sprut out anger words to my boyfriend or use a tone.
Yes I just don't want to talk to anyone, but then I do, then I don't....
Yes my head spins. Yes I have trouble with medication. Still trying to find something for the depression and stailizer. The other I totally Freaking - My brain felt like it wanted to explode out of my skull, my thinking was all over the place and yes I wanted to visit the big S.
See Pshycologist first time since 2002 on Aug 6.

Been there, Am there, Where Am I = Starlite

Anyone else see the floor breathe when not on medication or drugs or even alcohol? Sorry, just musing. During long spells of insomnia this happens to me.

Sorry I missed this thread before now, Ama. I would miss my mania if it weren't also mixed with anxiety and inability to concentrate and insomnia. I wish my meds would allow for more hypomania. That's the good stuff.

But if I felt like a rock or a slab of oak, I'd definitely be dropping my meds one by one. Right now it's horrible sometimes, but not all the time. I know insomnia was one of the major reasons I got on meds and that's mostly solved, but the depression and mood swings are not. And they always go from irritable to much much worse until I crash. This can't be normal. I need new meds. I feel like the bottomless pit for meds that don't work. I could start my own pharmacy with the leftover pills and bottles.

My dry sense of humor kind of wants one with a picture of a can of those fake "Mixed Nuts" on the front and exploded spring covered in cloth "snakes" on the back. Let the viewer take away their own meaning. In the future clothing will have songs embedded into them (chips) and people with the right receivers will be able to hear the attached song. This shirt would be singing the Cure song, "I'm green, I'm green...sickly sweet color of the snakes I'm seein'..." at least I think that's what the lyrics are. Never bothered to look them up.

I think you probably are on too many meds. Really, it sounds like they're trying everything at once since none of them completely work for you. I can't wait until they actually come out with drugs designed for bipolar people. I guess they don't think they could turn a profit. Bastards.

I would miss my mania if it weren't combined with anxiety and irratibility and inability to soothe myself and getting upset and wrecking things and ruining my relationships and making my mom call me crazy. I can't wait to see tdoc. I want to dance with her. LOL Its raining today!

Oh, and I reasoned with myself about the bath tub. It had a grainy bottom, not a smooth bottom. I don't know how my brain processed that misinformation.

Glad you're going to see your tdoc and also that the fear of the tub has subsided. One thing about my depression. I know I'll always feel better if I can just get clean. Not obsessive about it or anything, but I do love my once a day shower.