[BNLsMOM]

***Possible Trigger***

The only thing keeping me out of crisis right now is that I don't want to go to the hospital again and I don't want to scare my son. But I am so close to the edge. I don't know how long I can control this.

I have one day left of partial hospitalization (stupid insurance) and I have to tell them how I acted this weekend. I am so angry.
I am so ready to go off.

I have NEVER been this angry. I can't even describe it. I nearly jumped out of my moving car today and asked my husband to pull over and let me out. He wouldn't. When I got home I threw a few lawn chairs around and nothing was helping.

I am almost out of control. Then I'll get all depressed but agitated. Thinking horrible thoughts about how I want to disappear and die and I don't deserve to be a part of a family because I ruined the day. We tried to go kayaking today and we got all the boats on the car and drove around looking for a good spot. I kept saying no because the tide was too low, or there were too many people, or there was poison ivy on the way down to the water. I was freaking out and getting madder and madder. I put a welt in my leg from my fingernails holding so tight. I think I was having an all-afternoon anxiety attack. I felt like I was having chest pains, and I was breathing shallowly and I just couldn't get a grip. Finally I took my hat off my head and tried to rip it. (Stupid material was space age or something and wouldn't tear)

Right this second I am a little calmer because everyone is out food shopping and before that someone came over and brought their dog to visit.

I don't know what is going on with me. I think I am out of my mind. I am sitting here alone with a headache now. I feel so guilty because I ruined a beautiful day that we had planned for a whole week with my stupid disease.

I take 1200mg of Trileptal as a mood stabilizer (I am so not stable) and 1mg of Ativan to sleep at night. GRRR.

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

***Possible Trigger***

The only thing keeping me out of crisis right now is that I don't want to go to the hospital again and I don't want to scare my son. But I am so close to the edge. I don't know how long I can control this.

I have one day left of partial hospitalization (stupid insurance) and I have to tell them how I acted this weekend. I am so angry.
I am so ready to go off.

I have NEVER been this angry. I can't even describe it. I nearly jumped out of my moving car today and asked my husband to pull over and let me out. He wouldn't. When I got home I threw a few lawn chairs around and nothing was helping.

I am almost out of control. Then I'll get all depressed but agitated. Thinking horrible thoughts about how I want to disappear and die and I don't deserve to be a part of a family because I ruined the day. We tried to go kayaking today and we got all the boats on the car and drove around looking for a good spot. I kept saying no because the tide was too low, or there were too many people, or there was poison ivy on the way down to the water. I was freaking out and getting madder and madder. I put a welt in my leg from my fingernails holding so tight. I think I was having an all-afternoon anxiety attack. I felt like I was having chest pains, and I was breathing shallowly and I just couldn't get a grip. Finally I took my hat off my head and tried to rip it. (Stupid material was space age or something and wouldn't tear)

Right this second I am a little calmer because everyone is out food shopping and before that someone came over and brought their dog to visit.

I don't know what is going on with me. I think I am out of my mind. I am sitting here alone with a headache now. I feel so guilty because I ruined a beautiful day that we had planned for a whole week with my stupid disease.

I take 1200mg of Trileptal as a mood stabilizer (I am so not stable) and 1mg of Ativan to sleep at night. GRRR.

Are you on an Anxiety medication? Sounds like it is needed. Sounds also like a depression should be added.
About the med.s you said stabilzer is stablizing WHAT - It has to find the depression or anxiety (bipolar is what I'm hearing)
The night medicine would be me into a depression.
I can't take anything - puts me into depression

I talk to med doctor medication doesn't sound correct.l
Med. is all trial and error.... sounds like you need some more trial.

[thinker22]

Hi. Sorry you are having such a rough time with your meds and insurance.

I think my insurance would let me die if it would save them money. It's not like any of us want to go to the hospital or be suicidal or depressed or freak our family out or go to incessant therapy or be on meds. I hate all of that. I want the miracle cure. I'm sure you do too. The meds that are out there right now are tricky and most are not designed for bipolar disorder, so they nearly hit the mark or totally miss, but seldom solve all your symptoms. That's why it's a combo with the least side effects and most positive results we're all individually trying to find.

I get anxious, angry, and volatile too and then I feel terrible, get exhausted and have to sleep after all the adrenaline rush and being out of control. At least you're taking it out on a hat and not on a person, right? On bad days you do have to remember that you're not totally yourself, but you do have control over some things...like where to channel your anger and impulses. The emotions will still be there, sometimes inexplicably, but they aren't your fault. Dealing with them is tough, and that's where your therapist(s) come in...to give you tools to cope until you actually do get stable chemically.

I'm not stable yet on my meds. I feel great one day, then terrible for a week. And sometimes my mood shifts in a matter of minutes, like today. Went from happy/peaceful to shocked, angry, confused, depressed and exhausted in like 15 minutes. So I had an hour and a half nap. Woke up feeling dazed. Still coming out of that state. Another day in bipolar world.

Remember not to beat yourself up over not being cured. Take care of you first. You love your family. That much is obvious. And you're doing all you can to get better. It won't be easy. It's a life long disease that must be managed. It won't always be like this (crisis) but you serve yourself and others by taking the lens of decades and the fact that you're getting help now forebodes better for yours and your family's future. There are plenty of people in their 50s and 60s who've refused treatment all their lives and burned bridges, hurt people, and endangered themselves. What you are doing is courageous even though it feels impossible right now.

I want to give up so many times every day I'm in a depression. It feels like it will never end. But we can do this. You're not a bad person. Think of Alzheimer's patients. They lose their memory. We're lucky we don't lose ours (at least for the good parts), but it's a kind of grieving process for them and their families that they will lose control and not recognize the people they love most. No matter how many times you tell a person with a disease that they "should" remember so and so and stop "playing" dumb, it won't cure them. We "should" feel happy and not have "outbursts", but when your brain is messing with you, you can't simply "snap out of it". That's just plain ignorant and hurtful for someone to demand that of us.

I've said it before...and sorry if I'm getting longwinded...but all you can do is talk to your docs, go to therapy, adjust meds, and do your very best to explain what's going on in your head to those around you. But you can't make it go away by wishing, being grateful, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. People who expect that of us are ignorant or downright cruel. Empathy doesn't mean you have to experience something. It only means you have to study and understand the nature of the disease and not shame or make unrealistic expectations of those who have it. That's something your family will have to learn if they truly do want to support you and help you to get well so that you in turn can give your all to them.

I hope you get your meds straightened out and can have a more supportive environment wherein those around you are educated and love you unconditionally. (I'm not saying that they don't, it just sounds like you're being rushed to "be all better.") I wish people could get beyond their fears of what we are going through, and blaming the disease on us somehow. Would they treat us so coldly if we had cancer, but good chances of surviving with treatment?

You're a good person. Don't beat up on yourself. Brain chemistry can be unrelenting, but it is treatable. And it will get better. In the trenches with you.

[BNLsMOM]

I talked about everything in partial today. I saw the psychiatrist and she said that it sounds like I was having a giant panic attack. I am to go up on Wednesday of the current "mood stabilizer" I am on, talk to my regular psychistrist if I see no result in a week (which happens to coincide with my appointment with him) and talk about adding an antidepressant and/or anti-anxiety. She did give me a script for a small dose of Klonopin because I am have killer joint stiffness and I have a pretty bad case of TMJ which has gotten worse on this med. She said that half a miligram will help to relax the joints and muscles.

If I see no changes on the "mood stabilizer" or if my symptoms are worse at the higher dose, it is probably not the right drug for me and I should discuss other options with my regular p-doc.

Tomorrow I am on my own with all of this. Pray that I manage...

[thinker22]

I'm pullin' for you. At least you have some other options with your meds and an "out" if they aren't working for you. I wish my p-nurse would let me add something else in at this point.

Doesn't it seem sometimes like life is just one appt after another? Between school appts, therapy, meds appts, and drs appts, I feel like it never ends.

But they're necessary to getting well, so I go to all of them.

Talk to us if you feel lonesome or need some understanding.

[BNLsMOM]

Good day so far today. Exercised with my son, am doing some housecleaning and will try to keep the afternoon busy by going to the Y with the kids. It's raining and those are the days I dread the most.

[thinker22]

Glad you're having a productive day so far. I love those. I also must admit, I love rain and gloom. Like I told someone about living in Brooklyn, NY: I needed to live in a place that was more depressing and weird than I was. This kind of squalor cheers me up.

Sunshine pisses me off and makes me want to stay indoors. I'm just strange like that.

Hope you have a good rest of the day, but it's okay even if you don't.