This is not me

I hate everything. I am so full of hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.

I was feeling that way on Friday. I know exactly what you mean. I was blowing up about everything and at everyone going on a rant about how things are and how they should be. It will pass. I'm still irritable and snippy, but nothing like that day. When I think about the issues that triggered me, I get angry all over again (eg. professionals' ineptitude and blame game while I wished for death it got so bad), but now to a lesser degree. They under-reacted to my serious requests and I eventually overreacted to compensate for that negligence.

Not sure why you're angry, but in this world there are a lot of reasons to be angry. If you're not angry (or depressed), you're just not paying attention. That was a line from one of my short stories, but I took it out because it was too direct. I used the story to explore that theme. That's not to say that some of us have an actual chemical imbalance that causes constant or uninitiated depression that needs to be treated, but even mentally healthy people (which we are at times) get mad or sad at things that are just so wrong in this life.

Hope you feel better soon.

THen I had an argument with my husband on the principle that he has taken care of more dogs in his life than I have and the dog couldn't possibly have to go pee. Then all the hatred and anger and rage came out. On him. I think I even yelled, "Do you want it all?" Then I slept in my son's room and told him that husband was snoring too much.

Still tons of it swirling around in there and anything is going to set it off. I can hold it together with the kids, because they are just being kids.

have you tried to talk to your husband about how you feel? do you have anyone outside the relationship that you can talk to? usually we are NOT angry for no reason. there is always a reason behind it it might just not be the one you think

Mostly I am angry because I can't seem to handle much more than getting out of bed, but I force myself to take my kids out to my parents' pool so I am not sitting around getting depressed. My mom says things that trigger me because I think she is trying to rush my recovery by telling me how much everyone else is suffering with my disease and then I feel selfish. My husband, instead of supporting me, picks little fights when I am feeling oversensitive and then I lash out. He says these thinks like "I have had more dogs in my life than you have, implying I know nothing about dogs, or things like he thinks he is better at relationships than I am. Here I am getting madder just thinking about it.

That blows. The worst thing to say or imply to a sick (depressed person) is that they shouldn't be sick because everyone else is suffering due to their being sick (which, duh, they wish they could be better but didn't ask for the disease and it takes time to manage since it's currently incurable). Guilt sucks big time! I'm constantly apologizing to my mate for outbursts and sometimes he gets angry right back and defends himself in the midst of it. I feel terrible that I can't seem to get my moods under control or sleep regularly, etc.

Family dynamics make it much worse when yours or your spouse's parents are nearby and talking about things they know nothing about just because they want you to be suddenly "normal" which I doubt they are anyway...they just have different problems in their personality and behavior if not mental chemistry (i.e. manipulation).

Best decision of my life was to move away from my family/relatives etc. Could not deal with all of their problems in addition to my own. But after you have kids, things get more complicated. You worry about their well being, if you're screwing them up, if there are others around to watch them when you're feeling bad, etc. Remember, take as much time as you need to get your meds sorted out and to feel better. Quick, yet temporary fixes are not in anyone's best interest long term. If you get better over the course of a year and are on meds that balance you out, you have the whole rest of your kids' childhood to make up for this difficult period (because this really isn't your fault and your doing your very best to get well). The kids will likely remember it as a blip on the radar when mom was majorly stressed out, but be happy to have you well for the rest of the years you spend together.

My mom was depressed and sleeping all the time for much of my childhood. I just thought she was physically sick so I'd always try to visit her and cheer her up and help her with chores. I never held it against her because I loved her and I knew she wasn't upset at me and that she wanted to feel better and was doing the best she could. I was closer to her than my dad (who was constantly working and incredibly selfish) even though her problems were more obvious than my dad's to the outside world.

So, all this to say, in the long run, this can all be sorted out and your kids will still love you so long as you keep working on getting better. The stresses in your life are not helping, however. Not sure what to suggest except for avoid seeing the in-laws or your parents as much as possible during this process. Tell your husband he can go by himself and confront him if he commits you to going somewhere without your permission in a firm, non-emotional way if possible. Explain to him you have other plans and he can go and if the kids want to come, they can also. This is what my mom had to do with my dad and his mother because the woman drives even absurdly kind people insane.

I get really hatefull and angry aswell. I often feel that I want revenge for something but I don't know what.

There are times when I feel EXACTLY the same way:

When I hate everyone and everything. Like everything is ugly...

When I figure it out it's me I hate.