Life Update

Not many of us do this and sometimes maybe we forget: we're a family. It sucks not knowing where your family is. So I ask that you please update when you're feeling good, bad, and in between!

So....my update:
Geodon has saved my life this time. First, it was Lithium, then Geodon. I feel remarkable. Or next to. I sleep strangely, but I get the correct hours. My eating is irregular. I've lost 15 lbs in 15 days since getting out of the hospital. I quit smoking, I started running, and applied to go back to school for the first time in four years. I eat healthy when I do eat. I need to worry about eating more.

I had a panic attack last night. I thought I was dying. No. I was sure I was dying. Mom asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital and I said, "yes, this is the end." A moment of clarity in the cloudy came and I took two klonopin instead realizing what had happened two hours after the trouble. Clarity is sanity. I beamed and climbed into bed.

I was perfectly fine this next morning. Gave my mom a "When someone you love is bipolar" book and enjoyed my day.

Some guy leaned over in the doctor's office while mom and I were talking about my new wonder pill and he told us about his last 6 suicide attempts because of Geodon. "Be careful you don't get TOO happy," he said. Mom pat his leg and told him thanks. He showed us his facebook games on his iphone. He got called away and I burst into hysterics. Mom grounded me and we talked more about medicine and reactions. I was still crazy when it was my turn so I'm off on disability until midSeptember. I wish this was a vacation and not a rehabilitation.

We changed my med dosage and when I take it so I don't have hypersomnia (you fall asleep/are drowsy way too much during the day). It makes me eat less, but I have to eat a significant solid calorie number when I take it so I don't vomit. I have a weak stomach. They say take ginger root. WHAT ARE YOU A D.O.? lol Yeah. I tried. I can say that.

My attention span is getting better.

Please tell me I'm done looking for sanity. I know I'm so much younger than most of you, but we've suffered the same. 12 medications. 3 years. Pray for me to get there.

You guys, my support system at home, my pills currently (Geodon, Lithium, Klonopin), and my own good health/strength has allowed me to be courageous enough to flush 600+ pills that had a different end planned. Thank you.

I can't say that enough.

Geodon sounds good...all except for the suicide potential part. Clarity is good. I feel like my mind is clear, sharper than ever, but my body is like, wait a ****ing minute! I'm tired here.

I exercised for the first time in a long time yesterday too. Maybe I'm not manic, but I'm just energetic and my depression is still there beneath the surface, so ... eh, I'm confused. Maybe it is mixed.

Eating healthy is important yes. When I'm in this thinking a mile a minute, jump out of my skin state, I want to eat candy, cupcakes, cookies, ice cream, cherry coke, coffee, etc. (feeding the beast). And I usually do. But this is on top of my vegetarian diet, so at least I'm getting SOME good things.

I'm afraid to count all the medications I've been on in the last year. But yeah, this disease makes you old and wise pretty fast if you're to survive it. I've never thought of you as "young." No one understood me either. They said dumb things like, "What have you got to be depressed about" or "stop moping." I looked into the future and I didn't like what I saw, but the present was terribly bleak too. I felt like an inmate at school and church and sometimes at home too. You're a wonderful person and I hope no one ever talks **** to you just because they think you're young and therefore don't know what's going on in this world.

I'm sorry you've suffered so much and that's good you had the courage to get rid of all your old meds. I've got a huge stash of mine. Everything from trazadone, fluoxetine, lexapro, lorazepam to birth control and effexor. Not good. I wonder if I might not need them again and will feel dumb for having thrown them away when getting a new Rx is often expensive.

Panic attacks suck. I know when one of mine's coming on because I've been holding my breath thinking of something overwhelming then my thoughts drift to something worse and something worse than that and it's like a cascade or avalanche of ideas that bury me, I gasp for air, my heart is racing, I can hear the blood rushing in my ears, etc. I'm sure you know all too well. I'm glad you're okay though. And some weight loss is nice, but isn't eating so much more fun when food tastes good and you don't feel full after a few bites?

I'm thinking about you and hope you'll continue to update us...good and bad. You're awesome at supporting the rest of us.

shelf life of medicines is ONE YEAR. try to get rid of te older stuff.

I'll look at the dates, but I don't think it's been a year yet for most of them. I want to have the courage to throw all of them out...but they make me feel safe and secure, if that doesn't sound too crazy?

I kept sleeping pills: trazadone and ambien
and
old versions of lithium (regular instead of ER) and Geodon (80mg instead of 60mg)
in the event of emergency.

What do you mean in case of an emergency? Like you couldn't sleep or you were having an anxiety attack?

I sometimes wonder if I should go back on Trazodone even though it made me faint a couple of times one night.

trazadone for sleeping if I need it. I'll talk to my doc first.

I have to reread my journal to decide if Traz had any other problems besides the fainting before I'll go back on it again (with professional advice of course).

Alive and well. A little mixed. don't feel like talking about it. still here. started writing again. started workbooks again.

Glad you're still here. Life ain't perfect, but it's all we've got, right? And each other.

We're gonna make it. At least that's my current outlook. You know how it is.

Stay in touch you. I'm thinking of you. Sending warm fuzzies.

(((((Amaviena)))))))

You sound so GOOD!!! I know you are in Phoenix, right? Don't worry, I'm not a stalker and won't come looking for you. I am wondering what the heck you are doing out there running in this heat, tho.

You are very lucky that you have your mom. I am so jealous! So much support. And the choices you are making seem to show that you are thinking very clearly. Well done!