[Reagon]

but, i posted here back in january. I am on my way to divorcing the bi polar, ocd, pathological, narcissistic husband i lived with for 10 years. Now that i am away from him i cannot believe how much life he sucked out of me, i am thriving, happy, relaxed and much much much more fulfilled.i no longer feel inadequate every day, i no longer feel that it is impossible to communicate with him, he always made it sound like i had the problem communicating and he never understood what i said and nothing i said to him made sense, that in itself was so frustrating and maddening. I moved out of the ripped up house, the house that had been standing ripped up inside for 7 years he never worked on nor finished. The dogs are more relaxed and so am i. I am a helper and do not give up. That is why i stayed so long, being a police officer i blamed his issues on that until we started seeing a well known psychiatrist in town. She did a workup on us both and the dark stuff behind the soon to be ex was amazing and incredibly volitile. My mother could not believe i would be in an abusive relationship. of all her kids i was the most independant and willful and stubborn. well, i told her, you dont know how you would react when you see someone you love self destructing time and time again, you feel a need to help them, watch over them etc... but, it is not appreciated and they do it time and time again.
I learned a valuable lesson. I wish anyone who is in a volitile relationship to get the heck out. you wont realize it until a few months later how much healthier you are for getting out of it.
Thanx to all for the support you gave me a while back. By the way, he knows he is F`ed up in the head (his words) but he refuses to get help, refuses meds and refuses to see that he is imperfect.
HAppily on my own!

[thinker22]

You definitely did the right thing. Destructive people who refuse to get help eventually burn all their bridges. They either wind up in prison repeatedly (and perhaps court required treatment) or face facts and invest the courage and time and energy it takes to get better. Some people are too proud or think they're not like the other "sick" people and that's their excuse to not seek help.

It's his choice. But you made the choice that was best for you and in the long run for him too. Being abusive has consequences and as you know, it was never your job to fix his problems to the detriment of your own life and happiness.

Go you! I'm sure you're an inspiration to others on the site who are in bad, draining relationships.

[Reagon]

The sad thing is he will do this to the next person he gets involved with. He already has latched onto a detective in town that has a history of being involved with men that have this sort of issue. He also continues to work as a police officer and i wonder how long he will be able to do this without some sort of consequence.....
But hey! Thanx for the reply!

[thinker22]

Strange. I've heard that several times about cops, but I know better than to generalize. Apparently the screening for ethics and abusive behavior/anger issues when you join the force isn't terribly accurate. If they're hurting and need more new officers, I suppose like the armed services, they lower their standards. But still, there are always those charming liars who can pass any test.

Sorry you went through all this and now you're worried about the next person he's going after. It probably wouldn't help to send her a note or even make a complaint to his precinct. Was he ever physically abusive or just manipulative? If so, after the complaint, you'd have to get a restraining order, but even then, it could be dangerous. Can you move away per chance?

Is your job impossible to transfer to another city?

[Reagon]

After months of not hearing from him (divorce final oct 5) unless he decides to put it off yet again...... i heard from him yesterday, sweet as pie, charming, but, i ignored his message. I do not feel i am in danger as of now. he has someone else to manipulate now. The problem with cops is, that afterbeing on the force for several years, i think it does affect them, and, those that tend to have these issues anyway, yet only show mild signs of the afflictions, as the years go on, they show them more and more. As our relationship went on he got more and more violent, manipulative, scarey, he is on the force 10 years and still patrol, he will never advance to anything higher, and our marriage was 10 years. he is in the perfect profession for his sickness.
Thank you for your concern. I just found a fabulous job, and will be full time with incredible benefits end of oct.
it feels so good to be away from the person whom, nothing i did was ever good enough.
As far as warning this person that he is involved with? i cannot. I doubt she will listen to me, becouse she will take it as the scorned ex making things up about this wonderful man. Yeah right!

[thinker22]

Originally Posted by Reagon

As far as warning this person that he is involved with? i cannot. I doubt she will listen to me, becouse she will take it as the scorned ex making things up about this wonderful man. Yeah right!

Yeah, you're right. Same thing goes for people I know who are alternately charming and then mean/violent. You can't get through to someone else who's being manipulated by them when the guy/girl is in their charming phase. The ex sounds like he's not just bipolar but also a personality disorder. Can't remember if I mentioned that.

I'm so happy to hear you found a good job and can move on with your life.

Take care and stay in touch if you ever need to vent or chat or anything.