[BNLsMOM]

I just had a session with T-doc and we were talking about whether or not I was feeling any urgency over taking time off from work and getting back into it. I am not feeling that, but in the course of our conversation, I realized that I am feeling so much relief from my long long depression, that I am starting to do my old thing of wanting to do all the activities that I had lost interest in while I was depressed. I have a list of things a mile long that I would like to get back into. I realized that I tend to have an all or nothing attitude. If I can't do yoga 7 days per week, become a master, open a studio, practice in a heated room and transform my body into a long and lanky yogi, then I don't want to do it at all. I want to join s choir, become a soloist, get locally famous and then have Andrew Lloyd Webber discover me and write a musical just for me. So I am fully aware that I let my ideas run away form me, and I know that I have to hold back on things and learn moderation so that I don't get disappointed in not meeting these impossible expectations. I know that it is good to have dreams, but they have to be realistic and have workable goals.
When I was leaving the session, I was putting my next appointment in the calendar on my Blackberry. It doesn't go as far as a 7 pm appointment unless I enter it manually. I said, "So my Blackberry thinks everyone works from 9-5. I should invent a mom Blackberry that recognizes that I am never off duty. See, here I go again!"

Anyway, I suddenly recognized that my stability is being threatened by my hypomanic thoughts. As long as they are thoughts and not actions, I think I'll be OK. T-doc suggested that I make a list of everything I want to do, the pros and cons of each and then choose on or two activities that I can do in moderation, rather than deprive myself of everything for fear of going manic.

Interesting idea...I usually either deprive myself or go overboard.

Is it possible to control myself and not go into hypomania without depriving myself and therefore causing a depression? (which is often what happens because I start to think that I can't do anything because I wouldn't be good enough to meet my expectations?

My reasons for hypomanic behavior and the subsequent depressions are all very logical until I am out of control...

Anyway, I am rambling. I thought I had a question, but I guess I just wanted to write it here and ask what others have experienced in therms of being able to control this strange disease.

[thinker22]

Oh, I have the racing thoughts and lists of things I want to accomplish and I usually can't sit still for just one so I jump from one to another and eventually accomplish most everything, but I'm not doing the one thing I want to do! That's write creatively again. At least before the school term starts, and that's 2 weeks from Monday. I didn't do anything all summer except for dr's appts, meds alterations, eat, sleep (a little), buy stuff (as of late) and do silly projects. God this disease sucks sometimes. I'm drowsy but I can't do anything more than 3-6 hours a night. Can't nap in the day either or I prob won't sleep at all. Wish I could email the p-doc so I could find out what to do.

At least you're noticing the hypomanic tendencies. I think it would be good to pause and decide what's most important to you TODAY. As opposed to, I can do that tomorrow so that way you don't feel like you "can't do anything," but just some of the less than pressing things can wait a day or two. What can't wait for me today is to start a new story.

Hugs Nice idea for invention BTW. I have so many ideas too, but can't follow through with them.

PS...I too am an all or nothing sort of person...it's a perfectionist's trait.

[BNLsMOM]

I haven't written anything in years other than very short character studies. I did one this summer loosely based on me and what might happen if I went uncontrolled for years. I was depressed when I wrote it so it has more of a depressed feel than a manic feel.

I journal almost every day, and when I went to the ER this last time, I brought it with me and showed it to the counselor in the ER. She said that I could do something with it and wanted to keep a copy. Even in my deep depression, the stirrings of hmmm, maybe I coud write a book and sell a million copies etc. began. Then again, I was in a pretty mixed state, so I guess that is completely possible to have the thoughts.

I just have to control myself. The thoughts aren't racing yet, but they have increased n the last few days and I can hear that my voice is louder, and I have a hard time not interrupting people when they talk to interject an idea that thier conversation has sparked.

I was once going to write a book of ideas for people who had a hard time coming up with any. It was going to be a big public service project. I crashed before I got started. I was also going to have a book of book titles. It would be published a lot like the Writer's Market books for people who had stories and had a hard time thinking of titles.

Yes, full of ideas, but the minute something has the slightest bit of displeasure or difficulty, I seem to drop it like a hot potato.

Gosh, I am all over the place today.

[thinker22]

I interrupt conversations too and go on tangents and make other people forget what they were talking about. That has to be annoying/frustrating for them.

My journals could probably trigger insanity. I have a tiny moleskine one that just tracks my manic behavior.

I'm afraid if anyone got a hold of my journals that I'd be sent to the hospital for sure. I draw things in them too...kind of scary gory things like the kid did in Donnie Darko.

That's good...idea starters. I've often said that I'd like to be paid to work in a think tank because I work well on the fly and have an inventive, creative mind (I'm an INFP on Myers-Briggs) but I need someone else to follow through with/have the capital to work on my ideas.

Definitely I give up too easily on things. I once tried to get a company to sponsor my invention, a battery operated cylinder that is cooled to oh say 60-75 degrees that is chew proof for people who have chinchillas but no air conditioning. This is a huge problem and some even die of heat stroke. The only method they have currently is freezing marble slabs or else putting chewable plastic frozen water bottles in the cage which attract moisture which can give a chinnie a fungal infection that makes their fur fall out.

So those are my kind of idears.

[bridgie]

Noticing is a good thing but controlling it is another. I have just snapped out of my depression and have started to do as you have. Many ideas many things to do. Right now I'm working on supercleaning. Might as well do it while I have the energy. Then its the piesafe and the jewelry box and the quilt and adjust the two dresses that haver been waiting patiently for me to find the right time. Soo many things to do so ltl time. I apologized to my coworkers in advance yesterday for anything strange that I do or say for a ltl while. They said beyond your normal. And of course I said yes. Anyway I'm rambling too I cld nake a list of things to do but then I wld have to make a list of the diferent kinds of lists I wld need. be project. Hobbies household. By the room maybe. It cld make things much more difficult. I'm actually doing 3 things at once right now all In dif rooms of my apt so none are getting done well but isn't that what they call multitasking.

[thinker22]

You know, I noticed that a lot of people are manic or hypomanic right now. I was looking in my Touched with Fire book and there are charts that describe depression or mania spikes in the bipolar population (artists in particular) and productivity spikes are April, May, and September typically. And July - November has the highest amount of either end of the spectrum plus creative productivity. September has the highest amount of mania and second highest of depression. I hope none of this is triggering, but just enlightening. I didn't put the worst ones up so no one could get idears.

[thinker22]

Oh, and May and September have combined high mood scores with creativity, well above the norm.

[BNLsMOM]

That sounds like a cool book. I bet I would find it triggering if I had a copy to read.

So far I am still feeling stable. I am just tracking my tendencies. I should channel the energy into house cleaning, but I hate doing that because then the perfectionist comes out and I will spend 8 hours on one room. I hate when I get hyper-focused like that because then the rest of the house is still a pig pen and I get angry when I have used up all my energy on one room.

We just had a bunch of fun watching my son play soccer in the pouring rain. He loved slipping arouind and boy is he getting confident. He is becoming a little leader without getting bossy. So much fun.

Thinker, I am also INFP on Myers- Briggs. I guess we are idea people. We should find some people willing to capitalize on our ideas.

I like your invention idea. I had a great one for people who sleep in the same bed with someone who snores very loudly. It was a set of reusable soft ear plugs that are shaped like the "invisible" hearing aids. They wuld play music or nature sounds. Then in the morning they would have a setting that would be like a gentle alarm. When you get up you would put them in an autoclave (I don't know how to spell that) so that they remain sterile and clean.

[thinker22]

Do you know what the other personality test is...you know the one that has a few hundred questions or something? I've never taken that one, but I'd like to. Hmm...google here I come. Hope there's a free one that's decent.

Another nice invention. I find ear plugs too painful to wear and I can still hear something through all of them.

[BNLsMOM]

I don't know the other personality test, but if you find one, let me know. I love taking those.

[thinker22]

Haha...it was 300 questions. Here's the link, but it takes a long time. It thinks I'm an extrovert just because I'm currently manic.

http://www.personal.psu.edu/j5j/IPIP/ipipneo300.htm

Check both boxes then you can start the questionnaire.

[BNLsMOM]

Ha. That was fun, but I didn't need 300 questions to tell me I am introverted.

[thinker22]

I freakin' know!! I think the other traits were obvious like being agreeable and conscientious and whatever else, but extraversion? No way for me.

[BNLsMOM]

We're so off topic... or are we?...this is a thread about hypomania and I guess going off topic is a trait... (Way to bring it back! Go me!)

[thinker22]

Mania, mania, loose a screw,
Dance and laugh and wander you

(at least that's the way I feel right now)

[BNLsMOM]

I actually feel calmer today, but a little weird and spacey. I didn't sleep as well as I have been lately. I hope it was a fluke and the Seroquel will continue to work for me. I just had a very light sleep. The kind where you don't realize you are sleeping. I woke up at 4 a.m. but forced myself to stay in bed and drifted for a few more hours.

I just feel strange today. Could be a meds thing...

My mood is good today so in that respect, I still feel stable. Lots of ideas floating around though. Not really racing, but just floating.

[BNLsMOM]

I have been realizing that I am doing little hypomanic things without even realizing it. I went outside the other day and spent my energy on pulling the weeds and turning over the soil. It might seem normal, but that isn't at all normal for me. I just had a desire to do it and thought that I could probably do the whole yard in an afternoon. Of course I ran out of time and was only able to do a little bit.

I keep thinking that I can start these huge projects, but I am holding back because I don't want the disappointment of failing.

So I guess what I am saying is that I am feeling hypomanic but so far I have been able to control my actions other than a few random things that get through.

It's really strange to be so aware of it when my whole life was about acting on impulse.

I am definitely thinking a lot more than I was a week ago. I feel like my energy is rising a little and it is making me nervous that my stability is being threatened. I see my p-doc Friday and will speak to him then.

I want to ask people here what it feels like when your hypomania is just kind of bubbling under the surface but hasn't taken over yet. Is that what I am feeling, or am I just relieved to not be depressed any more?

[thinker22]

Know the feeling. I'm doing constant projects that have little purpose except for I'm learning how to make charts from stats in Excel that are pretty.

I woke up at 3:50 this morning and am still going strong after work and therapy. My body is totally suffering on these 4-5 hour nights, but I'm afraid of depression if I sleep too much so I don't take all my sleep aid. I feel bad that I'm too scared, but I do take part of the dose.

My hypomania has definitely taken over. The projects are a compulsion. If I didn't have them, I guess I might go mad with posting on here (more than usual I mean) and I've already sent a ton of emails to the same people just to add another PS over and over! I think I can do anything, and I do it, but I usually stop in the middle of one and start another and another until I have 4 things going at once. I love it, but in another way I hate the idea of exhaustion and a crash and that I'm not writing creatively.

I relate. Glad you're resisting so far, but it's not bad to do things that you can accomplish. Why not use up some of the excess energy? Instead of thinking of every task as an "all or nothing" kind of project, why not decide, I'll do just the hedges or just the flower bed and tick it off and have another box for another task you can do the next day. Sorry if I'm being redundant. My short term memory is shot and this sounds familiar even to me.

Hoping you'll find that perfect balance...and I'll try too.