Growing Up

I want to reflect on others, how did Bipolar effect you as a teenager (JR HIgh, High School, social life and work) through your 20's & 30"s....

A roller coaster ride, stablized with the right medication = Life of a Bipolar

How long do you have.

I will say that the most severe young episode (although I had depression as early as 3 and a strange incident when I was 5 that might count as clinical depression) was at age 13 when I was in 8th grade. I lost all interest in usual activities, decided to give up on school, felt trapped and wanted to escape the prison that was school and church and everything. Very depressed. Wanted to run away, etc. I got Ds in school because I showed up but just stared out the windows in class. Took the tests, but never read or studied or did the assignments. After that semester I was labeled with all of these words that made me feel bad about myself and the authorities threatened counseling, suspension, etc. and I backed down. Then I got straight As from 9th grade onward. I was still defiant in my heart, but I performed externally to get them off of my back. I had a lot of anger for authorities, but also a secret desire to be loved and respected by them. I didn't even want to go to college at that point, but I wanted to prove something: that I could do whatever they put in front of me because I was better than they took me for. I could beat them at their own game, but I just didn't want to be there.

High school was awkward, but I survived, mood shifts and all. Not a pleasant experience either. I was mostly depressed and kept to myself and my studies. I was a loner. Had only 1-2 close friends at any time from the age of 5 to present.

I had episodes of mixed, mania and/or depression at very least at age 20, 22, two episodes at 23, and then some that lasted for years from 24-present with a few flips in between.

It wasn't until I was 23 that I started to get outside of the prison of conformity they had kept me in. I took a step out of the confined world of my religion and their community and haven't regretted it since. Now...to get my emotions under control. I lived for most of my life with bipolar but didn't know there was a term for it until this past year. Sure I'd heard the word, but that couldn't possibly be me. Those people were crazy...haha...I just had depression. I didn't see mania or hypomania as the problem. I thought that was the "real" me, the daring, exuberant, social extrovert me. Not this door mat shy person.

I had a hospital visit for an eval due to severe depression/suicidal communication at age 29. I got diagnosed in late May/early June of this year. Had a manic episode from July 30 - October 2nd of this year at age 30. Sadness/odd feeling for 3 days, then a day of mania (due to meds change), now I feel normal since Wednesday (due to another meds adjustment). Now I get it. Now I've accepted it, now I'm working on getting better so I can have a fulfilling life not based on the whims of my brain chemistry.

Still don't know what I want to do with my life, but I figure if I'm stable enough long enough that I will be able to find that meaning, that purpose that I want to achieve. And I actually did go to college. I'm on my 4th now. Still can't jump through "their" hoops to get my degree.

It's been a long road for all of us, I think.

My first episode was depression at 16--no friends, grades dropped, didn't bathe, lost interest in everything... Then mania at 17 and back to depression 6 months later. Attempted suicide and then began my career of in and out of hospitals and outpatient day hospitals and half way houses and shock treatments for 5 or 10 years. I fluctuated between depression, mania and delusional thinking. I was a cutter too.
I attempted some part time jobs and made a few friends I met at the hospital stays.
I finally got on the right combo of meds and was stable enough to be able to avoid the hospital and shock treatments. I still had problems though; just not severe enough for hospitalization.
Then about a year ago I got a blood disease and they took me off my meds and its been a roller coaster ride ever since.
they are finally putting me back on those meds again. But one at a time, titrating up slowly. I am still on the first one. I am severely depressed and I don't know how much longer I can wait.

Wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until 2004. But looking back, that diagnosis fit all of my dysfunction since I can remember, even back to age 4. First took medication for depression in my 20's. It's hard to say what incluenced my development more, my bipolar, my parents' alcoholism, my mother's abuse due to her attempting to discipline me, my difficulties in school, or what. I had social and relationship problems, too. These may be more influenced by the parent's alcoholism but who's to say. I have a rather high IQ but never reached my potential, in my opinion, because of this other stuff. But, hey, that's life.

I was always known as the light on-light off girl in my family, overly sensitive, too many imaginary friends, and way, way too agressive. I can describe alot - not all- of my childhood in one word. Hell. I was verbally and physically abused by my classmates until I left school. I've had my face pounded into the asphalt and even been whacked in the head with a baseballbat. I would say it left me very impaired as far as trusting others or myself, though meds and good therapy and the grace of God have help to improve that over the years. My parents didn't know wht to do, so I can't blame them too much, even if my mom does trigger the heck out of me. I don't really spend a lot of time thinking about then anymore. today takes too much of my attention to do that,

My first depression was when I was in third grade. I can remember thinking I wasn't work anything and couldn't do anything. I did see a therapist for awhile. Although I was a good student, I didn't make friends, I was a loner. I have always had self-esteem problems. The next depression I can recall was when I was about 13 when I attempted suicide. I took a lot of sleeping pills and xanax. Soon I became sick to my stomach and vomited most of it. I slept for the whole weekend and no one noticed that I wasn't around. I never told anyone. I was then okay until my daughter died in 1992 and have struggled with depression and hypomania ever since. I can recall some behaviors in childhood that could have been hypomania...At the beginning of the school year I would do all the exercises in the textbook of one or two subjects within the first two or three weeks of school. Then I would calm down.

I don't think I had any highs at all as a teenager but more lows. My self-esteem was in the gutter even though I trained and became a Junior Olympic swimmer. What a lonely sport for a depressed person. I started having rather violent outbursts when I was in my twenties. Anything would set me off. I was eventually diagnosed as bipolar when I turned 29 and started on lithium. Throughout my thirties I have had extreme mood swings coming out of nowhere.

Ugh! Great topic! This is something I have always wonderd myself.

Bipolar really affected my teen years badly. I am 19 now but still going through highschool and my first semester of college was, can I say , a *****. I really noticed soemthing was wrong with me during my freshmen year of highschool. I went to one of the wealthiest areas in the US. I unfortunatley didn't have all the moeny in the world growing up. My mom drove a school bus and my dad was a chef. I don't know if being sorta finacially tight affected me. so during my freshmen year, I became extremely depressed at times. I started only talking to my friends at school. I hated the fact that I had to call them or see them becasue I just came home soo tired everyday after school. I also had alot of stress from school becasue he school I went to is ver academicley forward. I had the depressive symptoms that most patients experiance. I was sad, cryed alot, I was always tired, had suicidal thoughts at least 5 times a day, I over ate and gained alot of wieght, I felst guilty about everything, and I woould get really moody. at the time I noticed that I was depressed and though I had no psychology education at all, I started researching why I was feeling the way I did. I though it was because I am gay and at the time I was afraid to death about it. Well, I also noticed that my "personality" or what I thought of it, would change. However I noticed during my sophmore year, I started to show more of the typical manic symptoms. I would become rather hyper, I would feel alot better about myself and think I was actually better than most people, I would stay up 2 nights in a row I would have odd impulses like shopping, doing stupid and erratic things that hurt me or others, I would give people headaches when talking tohem because I would have the typical racing thoughts and just keep on going on and on about random things, I was distracted by everything, I had alot of energy causing me to want to do things with my life like quit school and start a business of some sort or something that would never work out, I would become really angary and so off on rants and start yelling at people. All the normal signs of a manic episode. What confused me at the time was that everything I had read told me that I would suffer from each state for more that a few days, when really I would go through each state with in three day periods. I actually wonderd if I had ADHD. I was in a program for kids with learning dissabilities and "IEPs" (I don't know what they are called in other states).

Throught out the next few years I missed alot fo school, I did stupid things like not get my liscense due to an argument at the DMV and just anxiety about driving, I actually would do things that I later thought of as being really dumb ideas. I lied, manipuated and was sortof an *** to people becasue I just had trust issues and problems with people. That also brought up Borderline PD. I was ruled out for it though, i just have a messed up family lol. I became realy promiscuous at times and got into the whole cyberspace thing. I exoerianced with drugs with my friends when I did meet up with them. And I was the type of person that would never do drugs. I snuck into clubs with a fake ID and though alot of it was normal teenager stuff, I took it to the ectreme. I just became this crazy out of control person. I call it the Britney Spears Syndrome lol. One thing I did was, a few times, I decided instead of stufing for final exams, I should go drinking at a friends house. There was an episode where I didnt come home for a few days lol. It was really bad. And then my senior year of highschool, I took a psychology class, and joined a peer support group through school, as well as the Psychology club. I started to notice that what I was going through was bad and that I needed help.

So finaly, the summer after my senior year, before college, and on the weekend of my birthday, I decided to tell my mom what was going on. I also was going through a really ruff patch in my life. my dad left the christmas before, I found out I had a half brother due to a previous relationship that my dad had, and I had the anual episode of my birthday depression. I always have felt depressed on my birthday for some odd reason. but the birthday I deced to tell my mom what was going on, I was actually in a manic state. In no way would I have ever told anyone what I was going through or that I was gay. I just had one of those stupid impulses where I just said everything to my mom. I also couldn't sleep for 2 days. So I told my mom everything and that I felt like I was going to kill my self. She took me to the hospitol and I spent my 18th birthday in the psychward lol. However, I lied to my doctor and left out all of the manic symptoms. I know it was stupid but at the time I liked being manic becasue I hated being soo depressed and I was afraid that if I couldnt be manic anymore I would be depressed. I guess it was me just thinking like a bipolar 18 year old lol. So I was diagnosed with Major Depression, OCD, and General Anxiety Disorder. I didn't go on any meds becasuse my mom brought me into the hospitol when I was 17 so she still had the choice to say no. I then went to daty thereapy for three weeks and went to different therapists at college and stuff. But during college the behavior got really bad. I was still goign through manic syptoms like usual, and going to partys instead of class and stuff like that. However, my depression got extremely bad. I would litereally cry my self to sleep everynight. I though maybe I was homesick, but it wasn;t that. I like living wiht my roommate who was really cool. It was alot better than home where I lived with three other women. I just had alot of stress I guess, But then there was this incident where my therepaist office was broken into and my file leaked and my friends found out my whole life story with was another humilliating incedent in my life. But I couldnt recive financial aide and eneded up being kickedou tof school. I have lived at home and basicly became a stay at home brother . Now I take care of the house, my sisters,my mom, my dog, and I got a successful job at Abercrombie and Fitch which was a HUGE self esteem booster lol. But Eversice I was diagnosed with bipolar, my familt doest really support me. They think its not real or that I fake everything for attention or some stupid thing.
All I can do is hope that I will start to control it in the future.

Thanks for reading this horridly long story lol. theres more but I will not make your ears bleed.

Thanks for reading. I hope to read yours too.

Roman.

Roman, I hope you will consider going on medication. With the right combination life can be good. Medication and therapy is a good combination.

Anne

I relate to everyone's story. I had high school "up" and wild episodes too that lasted only a few days or a week, although I had low grade depression most of my childhood/adolescence. I remember having at least 3 episodes triggered by college stress (wait, 4 because I've been to 4 colleges, dropping out each time). I dropped out of this one I've been going to since fall '07 for 2 quarters because I was so depressed. Then I got onto meds last summer, which was a catastrophe because I too only talked to the psych nurse at my school about the depressive symptoms. It feels weird to have to research for yourself (know thyself) and then realize you're bipolar, go through all the stages of grief, and then find little support from others around you. I had to convince 3 different professionals by making a life chart with all of my episodes that go back to at least 5 years old (25 years). At least my latest p-doc read the chart and gave me some kind of diagnostic questionnaire, looked at my answers and went, "Oh yes, you're bipolar type I." I felt so relieved that someone finally got it and that I was going to get the right meds for it. On that front, still looking for the best combo, but who isn't?

Roman, I'm sorry you've suffered so much and that the people around you still don't believe you have this condition. I think my brother has bipolar too, but he's never been diagnosed. He gets and loses jobs a lot, dropped out of 2 colleges before he finished even 1 semester, self medicates with drugs and alcohol. Goes for periods of being depressed, then periods of being super hyper and talking fast and being silly/jokey, just like me. But my parents just think he's childish, lazy, irresponsible, rebellious, etc. He really needs help, but I don't think he'll get it until he winds up in the hospital. This is a serious illness, but meds do eventually help along with a therapy plan for learning coping skills. I feel like I'm at the beginning of a long path and I can't see where it ends, the horizon is so far away, but it's better than being on no path at all, or wandering through the swamps of out of control emotions.

Also Roman, I'm glad you were able to come out and find a job and a way to stay in touch with your family. I would probably still be living with my family were it not for a manic period where I ran off to another state and just kept on moving every 18 months. This is my fifth state I'm lucky to have a partner who is very stable and is my family now. It was not a good situation for me at home. My family is super religious and I'm an atheist so we kind of clash on everything, but I still love them and they love me (I haven't "come out" to them on the fact that I'm not just agnostic.) I think it would just cause unnecessary conflict. You're braver than I.