I thought I was the only one

I just joined this group tonight. I was diagnosed Bipolar pretty recently, in the last few months. I'm 31. I went to therapy to talk about finding out that my father had been living a double life, cheating since before I was born. I talked about "feeling very emotional" through all this stuff. After weeks of monitoring my moods, she started talking about manic-depression.
For most of my life, I just thought there was something strange about me, but couldn't say what. I have always been very creative, quirky and interesting, but have really had a hard time getting close to people. I remember being in college, the last time that I went for years without smoking marijuana. In that environment, because so many people were workaholics, it didn't seem odd to anyone that I spent about a year sleeping about 2 hours per night. About once a week I just wouldn't go to sleep at all. I was working two jobs, and had a school workload about one and a half times normal, as well as multiple hobbies. As the stress piled up, I just kept pushing forward.
After I graduated, I experienced a horrible crash in my mood and energy. I spent about a year too depressed to leave the house most of the time, or even to get out of bed. I lost many friends during these cycles. I didn't understand that this all wasn't normal. I just knew that I could identify with the Flash, feeling like people around me are moving and talking in slow motion. And I knew that I sometimes just felt overwhelmed by life, which I attributed to stress or illness. I remembered that marijuana had helped before, so I resolved to never quit again.
After college, things seemed to always be in turmoil. I switched jobs every few months, and finally settled on being a temp because that way the job would end before I wore out my welcome. I would always kick *** in the job at first, and then inexplicably get sick of it, and be unable to handle it anymore. My employers all said that I picked the job up faster than anyone they have ever seen, but they just needed more consistency. I was never able to give it.
My relationships with women didn't fare much better. Most people knew me as a really awesome guy who just disappears on a regular basis. But one person saw what was really going on. I was living with someone, on track to get married. Things started to go wrong when she saw what I was like behind closed doors. I would sometimes be able to impress her greatly with my skills, but would then crash to the point where I didn't want to leave the house, speak, or acknowledge her in any way. I was very moody. Sometimes I experienced huge boosts to my sex drive and wanted more than she could comfortably give. My jobs suffered, I was often unemployed, I started huge projects I couldn't follow through on, I was smoking a lot, my finances suffered, and I reacted defensively when she pushed me to do better. It was confusing for her because I was like her dream boyfriend some of the time. She often walked around the house humming "I have two lovers" to herself. She finally left.
I reacted manically. I went back to school, and plowed through an MA in history. I did really well, but my extreme inconsistency lead to multiple charges of plagiarism. None of the charges stuck, but it was still really stressful and I didn't understand why it was happening.
I eventually made a nice little tutoring career for myself, but just resolved to never quit THC, or to live with anyone again. I learned to manage my mood swings much better. I kept up appearances very well, exercised when I was low, smoked when I was up, and things went OK. I called in sick whenever I was very up or down, so nobody suspected that I was "very emotional". Basically, I only left the house when I was even, because I got so sick of people looking at me like I was crazy whenever I acted like myself. I got sick of explaining myself all the time. I hated how people would constantly ask me why I'm not married yet. I hated how judgmental and demanding people could be. I just thought that most people were just difficult to get along with. I liked people, but hated how I felt whenever I was around them.
Now that I have been diagnosed, things just seem to make so much more sense. I understand many things so much better about myself. I have been able to forgive myself for many mistakes that I have made. However, I have had to spend a lot of time simply feeling angry about this. It seems obvious to me that, in addition to the genetics of it, this was originally triggered by a very chaotic upbringing. I have had to deal with a lot of anger toward my relatives who knowingly passed this down, who kept information from me about relatives being hospitalized and killing themselves during these phases, and who let my environment be horribly unstable and stressful when I was young and vulnerable.
Mostly, I have felt like my whole life was sabotaged before I even knew what was happening. I always just assumed that I would get married and have kids. There was never any doubt in my mind. Now I'm not sure about anything. I have had real trouble getting close to anyone, and I truly wonder who would be able to live with me for 20 years or more. Even if I could find that, would I really want to pass this on?
My anger about this didn't stop me from seeking treatment, however. There were two great reasons to try it. First, I have had to admit that the turmoil in my life has stemmed more from my internal processes than from outside stress. I simply felt bad a lot of the time. If there was no reason to, I would find a reason. I'm tired of that. Second, I believe that I could have managed this thing on my own and been OK. I would have survived, but I have to recognize how my problems with people have stemmed from this. I often felt lonely, but refused to let anyone see my extremes. Also, small interactions with people could set me off into massive mood swings. I need to see if I can get closer to others if I can get a handle on this.
I started Paxil and Lamictal this week. Literally, the day I started them I felt better than I had in about ten years. I was still me. I was still emotional, creative, and a bit unpredictable, but I wouldn't get so overwhelmed by emotion that I couldn't function. I go to bed at the same time every night. If I miss sleep, I really feel it the next day, like normal people do. I am so much clearer about how I feel, and can deal with people immediately and appropriately. I found that almost all my desire for THC is just gone. Now I just wish that I had started this ten years ago.
But I still wonder what my life is going to be like 5 years from now. Keeping people at arms length is such an old habit for me that I'm not sure how to break it. As a man, I am expected to make the first move on women, but shyness has been such a defining characteristic of my life. I did all this in the hope that I can now cultivate the kind of relationships with people that I have always needed, but I don't know what is going to happen. All I know is that this is completely new.
Is there someone out there who has had the same problem with intimacy due to this? Anyone who has been able to manage it? Anyone in a relationship with any advice? I feel like I have so much going for me now, if only I can get past the feeling that I am now ten years behind everyone else in terms of how I socialize.

Welcome to the board.

You have to give yourself time to grieve the loss of the idea of who you were before this diagnosis, and time to heal. I was diagnosed this year and I am going through med changes trying to find what works best for me. It will take a while, but I know that stability will come.

I am married and have children. I had children before I knew I had bipolar. Your past sounds a lot like mine with the exception of THC. I also never had the discipline to go for my MA. I drank in college, and I think I spent a manic year drinking too much and then came to my senses when I wasn't having fun any more.

Just because you have bipolar doesn't mean that you will pass it on to your children. It is a greater risk, but not a guarantee. I have a hard time with relationships. I was divorced once and almost ruined this marriage before I got help.

It will take time, but you can rebuild your life and find your dreams. Don't try to rush it.

Good post above. Nope, you're alone, I'm afraid we're in here too. Welcome, though! Got lots of stories and talents and expertise to dish out on the site Hope you enjoy posting!

I understand feeling emotionally... stunted. I've spent 8-10 years becoming more and more isolated, even when I have some contact with other people. Emotionally, I feel like I've been in a coma, and I'm not sure if I've "woken up" yet.

Relationships in my experience are very complicated. Not everyone can handle the ups and downs I go through, and even some with the best intentions can drive me up a wall.

Welcome to psychcentral. Keep up the good work.

Intimacy issues and building relationships is the hardest obstacle I am facing right now. At first I felt betrayed by friends/girlfriends who seemed to walk out on me. I thought that everyone was afraid of me or despised me for having "issues." It hurt. I started boxing people out and keeping a safe enough distance from friends and even family. I was worried about their perception of me.

So I stayed relatively alone for a long time, except with some friends who I would hang out with, but not get close to. Once I started getting better and wanted to establish relationships again, I had the habit of keeping people at bay and I am unsure how to break through that at this point. One thing I am starting to believe is that it wasn't really other peoples' perception of me that was hard to deal with, it was my own perception of myself. I notice now that even when I meet a girl who I had no previous connection to, I still do something that pushes her away (It is not that I am saying something out of line, they are just sensing something and I can't figure out what it is). It is like people try to get close to me, but something I do pushes them back. I think it is an internal thing that I have to figure out.

It is interesting. Looking at several pictures of myself over the past few years, I notice that my arms are often crossed, in group photos there is generally more space between me and the others than anyone else, and I sometimes look like I am leaning back. It makes me think I am still on a major defensive and afraid of something. Weird.

In the past, I sometimes wondered if things are staged. Meaning, when a girl comes and talks with me (I have trouble with the approach too) sometimes I wonder if a friend set it up, that she is doing it out of sympathy. I have even thought that a girl was a psychology student trying to get some info on a "crazy' guy. Well, I don't believe this to be true, but this is how my mind works sometimes. Still part of that defense I guess - doing anything to keep people at bay even though it is the last thing I want. This is supposedly a symptom of bioplar too. Anyone else ever feel like this?

I think it comes down to reworking the way I think; retrain the brain.

I just saw my psychiatrist today and we are planning on addressing it in the next session. For now he recommended an author named "David Burns" who wrote a couple books on cognitive therapy. There is actually a chapter on love and relationships in the book "Feeling Good" (great title, I know...) and it looks promising. I'll try to post something from it if I find anything good.

I don't know if this helps, but it felt good to read/respond.

Please Post, That would mean so much, I am sick over the thought of losing my friend, Your post reminds me a little of kinda what I think he may go through, Any advice you can help is so appreciated! I love my friend and want to be there so badly for him.

This is very difficult to explain, and there is certainly more than one single answer. Keep in mind that this is purely my experience and it may not relate to your situation at all.

When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar (2002), I decided to be open about it because I wanted friends and family to help me through it. In hindsight, this was harmful for me. No one did anything to hurt me, and actually people tried very very hard to help me and understand what was going on. This caused me to implode because the pressure was too much for me to handle. This really put me in my box and I went numb trying to block people out. Oddly, this seems to simply be a symptom of the disorder. I felt like it was something I had to handle on my own, but at the same time I was desperate for help. Herein created the divide between me and my friends. The more they tried to penetrate my thinking, the more defenses I would put up. I know this is counter-intuitive since it was me who expressed the need for help in the first place, but this is what happened. I guess I victimized myself.

Over time I think people seemed to grow frustrated and somewhat disappointed that I was not opening up to them and was getting worse. I think it made them feel like they were failing me. This hurt me even more because I felt like I let them down. Further I spiraled downward.

I eventually left college and came home. I gradually closed myself off completely. I was fortunate to stablilize in about 2005 with medication and therapy. When I got better I went back to school and worked to make new friends and was caught off guard at first (or on guard depending how you look at it) because people were wanting to be close to me, but at the same time I knew they didn't know about my past. It made it easier for me to connect (but I still have trouble with this nonetheless).

Now this DOES NOT mean I have completely cut ties with all of my old contacts and friends. This just gave me some relief... a chance to breath a little. I just needed a time-out, a chance to feel normal and unjudged. In hindsight, this was in NO WAY a fault of the friends who tried to help me before I left school. This was more a catch-22 and it was my mind's fault more than anything. I had to stop obsessing over my problems and learn to go out and live life again, unhindered.

Like I said, I still today have a couple friends who witnessed all of my torments and troubles. For one friend, it took a long time to reestablish the trust between us. This was by far something more on my end, maybe totally on my end. I was afraid of feeling like I was going to "implode" again. Now we are good friends, but it took time. Another friend who stuck by me through some of the tough times I have kept a relationship with for the entire time and also today. He seemed to deny me the right to feel sorry for myself, and I think that is partly what made the friendship endure.

To offer any kind of advice, I think this will just take time. Your friend has to accept what is going on with himself first. My best advice would be to not worry him with the way he feels, don't try to over-comfort him, just do everyday things you would do with any other kind of friend. Try not to remind him that he is "different." As a bipolar person, I can be very very cautious around people and self-conscious... I guess we can be a fragile bunch.

Maybe this doesn't apply at all, I am simply explaining my own unique experience. I am still battling my relationship issues and I may not be looking at this correctly at all.

still working on the book...

I have been successful in my career(until I went on disability 3 yrs ago). I also felt that my ups were my normal. After 3 years in and out of psych hospitals I just got Dx. with Bi Polar 2. I have been on Lamictal 8 months now; until this past month it worked great, but I also had stopped my amitriptyline, so that may have contributed to my more dramatic ups and downs recently. I was clean and sober for 16 years, got married, had a child. I "broke" when I lost our second child. I started drinking and abusing my benzos- no wonder they didn't work! I have been clean and sober for 14 months now. Even though you don't feel like you need the pot, working with a twelve step program helps- support free of charge, someone to call when needed, and a good place to become friends and build and learn to build healthy relationships. Even though I haven't wanted to drink for a long time, even going frequently gives me accountability to stay on my medication and not to stop it when I feel OK. I have been blessed with a husband who has stood by me for 11 years, relationships are possible. I found a friend first- we were friends for 8 years before we married, we also held ourselves separate until our wedding night, as we believe God designed- It worked for us! I wish you luck, keep coming.