[BNLsMOM]

I have had such a good week until tonight.

My husband had a car accident on Saturday and it was probably considered a medium accident. We are waiting to find out if his car is totaled and he is having some neck and back pain.

OK, that's not good, but what was good is that I was able to not only handle it, but help him. I was able to help him get to the ER, take over some of the stuff around here so that he could rest, and help him decide which of his prescriptions he shoule take for the best pain relief.

On top of that, I was able to go with himto a restaurant that lately has been giving me major anxiety attacks and I felt fine. I even interacted with people. (It's a huge locals' breakfast place) And if that wasn't enough, I was able to get out of the house and take my son to the play area at the mall to meet a friend for coffee. On top of that, I was able to make plans for us to go the that place again later this week and go out to dinner with her and a person I don't know because she wants to introduce me to one of her friends who stays home with twins the same age as my son. Also, I am going to meet up with another friend on Saturday.

These are things I have not even been able to imagine let alone do.

Now, tonight... My husband was in quite a bit of pain and I understand that can make one grouchy. I brought him his 600mg Ibuprofen and water and was just talking and commenting on the Olympics while we were watching. He was on his computer and checking his Blackberry every five seconds and I had to repeat things three or fout times. When I would say that, he would get angry at me and yell at me, saying, "I am in pain." I asked him if was unreasonable for him to be nice to me even though he was hurting because I still deserve respect. He said that he would try, but then right back to the same thing.

Enter bipolar brain... I am trying really hard to tell myself that it isn't true and that he is having a hard night, but I am feeling as if he doesn't love me and all the issues we have had over the last couple of years together have not improved at all. I am trying to tell myself that it is delusional to think that he doesn't love me and further that he hates me in every way, physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. I am slipping into feeling like I would be better off without him and thinking back to the days before I met him after I was seperated from my ex and was finally happy for the first time in my adult life. I am trying to tell myself that it was a fluke stable period that happened to coincide with that period in my life. I was undiagnosed at the time.

But what if... What if I was better off on my own? What if I really am in an unhappy relationship? Do I trust those feelings? I have always lived by what my heart says, but my heart is ruled by an unstable brain. I am diagnosed and medicated now, but not yet stable. Do I trust my feelings?

Then there are the kids. The reason I didn't leave in the midst of our chaos is because I don't want to hurt the kids. They are at risk of inheriting my MI anyway, and I don't want to precipitate it. On the other hand, will they be triggered my living in a home full of stress and chaos?

Am I just screwed and trapped here?

Aw crap.

[jennaorgana]

hugs from me, as always.

honestly i read this post 3 times and i have no advice or any idea where to start.

i understand the bipolar brain. i totally do. i know what it feels like to take things personally but at the same time trying to rationalize the actions of others. it's always hard trying to figure out how relationship have fit into our happy times... we tend to judge both by both standards.

i woudl say totally take the next few days and clear your head. feelings are NEVER wrong, but they can be misguiding and damaging.

i don't know if you are screwed or trapped.. but i know you have a lot to think about. i know, that sucks.. but keep me updated, ok?

[BNLsMOM]

I talked to my T.

[perpetuallysad]

What did he say?

[BNLsMOM]

He helped me with the feelings I was having and helped me concentrate on the healthy logic I was trying to use last night.

[perpetuallysad]

That's really good. Are you feeling any better about things now?

[BNLsMOM]

I think so. We started exploring what happens to my feelings when there is anger and chaos in the house. We were about to do some role playing, but I got very afraid, so we are going to explore next time where my fear is coming from.

[dj586858]

It is great you are getting help with this. We can't tell you whether your marriage is worth saving or not but I do believe that all married people feel trapped and unsure at some time or another. And we all have times when we are snippy and being in pain and facing a ruined car can really do it and it doesn't mean we don't love those we are snippy to. In fact, we are usually snippier to those we love the most, right? Hopefully you and your doc can work through what your real feelings are so you can make logical decisions about your life. But it sounds like you were doing really great just before that. I hope you get there again soon!