[Pughead]

Well, back again. As usual being selfish in only showing up around here when I am distressed. Right now I'm like a freakin upredictable and out of control see-saw. One day I'm seeking everything learned about the universe, infinity, non-euclidian geometry, the highest levels of calculus; the next day is just extreme boredom and indifference. It's like the two are fighting with each other.
Here are some constants:
Irritable - rage quickly arises, although I want peace more than anything
Indifference to food - I don't care about what is for dinner. I don't care about food, and usually have no appetite. Though, when I do start eating, it is usually all carbs, and a lot of it. I don't feel like eating regular foods like meat, vegetables, fruits...only carbs like bread and salty snacks. But, I don't really eat enough of it to gain any weight. My weight is stable.
Acceleration of thought at night - At night is when my brain is usually most active, and the quests for infinite knowledge crest at this time. I need to take 3mg of xanax each night to sleep.

Highs
Feeling as those I am suppose to do something great- my father accomplished great things, and my brother has as well. I suppose I have accomplished a lot in the opinion of most people. But I feel like I'm competing against my other successful family members, even though I know that is the last thing they would want me to do. I feel like I'm suppose to accomplish something greater. Like I'm suppose to solve or help solve some mystery that no one else has been able to solve. Like the guy who proved Fermat's last theorem, 300 years later. (Andrew Wiles in 1995, until then it was just a conjecture, because it had not been fully proven, even though computers could simulate it up to some ridiculously high number, that's still not good enough) I wrote a program to simulate it on my computer and the memory was eaten up real quick!
So, I'm feeling like math, science, and engineering is like the key to the universe right? It's something that can be understood on the same level across different cultures, by all of earth, and whatever other civilizations that are inhabited by a life form that has at least a human being's capability of understanding that are out there across the infinitely expanding universe (multiverse???). I can't put it into words, but whatever...you get the point. Math and Science are universal - they bridge all gaps. But there is still much to be discovered.
I only recently started giving a ***** about all of this within the last few years. I'm a computer programmer (software architect/engineer to be specific). So yes, my family and I are doing well financially. Anyway, I feel like programming is just too confining. Theoretically, you can do anything in a program, you can simulate anything, because you are not operating in a world constrained by physics, etc. You are of course, limited in that the hardware has limits. But anything you can dream up can be programmed. Still, I think it's just a path that kind of goes around in a circle. You're not really going to discover anything new or groundbreaking for humankind. You might come up with some ideas that improve useability on the web (i.e. AJAX if you know what that is). And I'm not trying to diminish that, but everything we do seems to be driven by automation and ultimately, convenience, and that's fine. But as a software engineer alone, I can't really do much. I need to know everything I can about math, because all scientific knowledge comes back to it. It is absolutely essential. Unfortunately (in my view), I hated math all throughout my youth, except for geometry and trigonometry. Those were the only subjects that fascinated me. I only recently hightened my knowledge by completing courses in single variable calculus and digital logic (boolean algebra, etc). So, if I were to pursue this quest for knowledge beginning with math, which is a huge mountain itself, where does it go from there? Do I ever find something groundbreaking? Will I make that discovery that will prove that I was destined for something great. And here lies the contradiction that throws the whole thing off? I started studying advanced math and electrical engineering about this time last year. In August, I put it indefinitely on haitus. But I keep coming back to it, wanting to learn, only to be disappointed continually. I cannot digest it as fast as I think I need to. And in the end, will it end up just being a huge sacrifice (i.e., family neglect) for no reason? I believe in the nature of infinity and I also believe that humans just cannot obtain infinite knowledge (omniscience). Therefore, there is some greater being that understands it. Everything finite exists within something else, thus infinity. Anyway, so that stuff can spiral around in my head for hours and I ultimately end up in the same spot.
I am disappointed, because I know I can't do it. I cannot achieve the level of knowledge necessary to even have the possibility of making an astonishing or groundbreaking discovery. It's like trying to become a finalist on American Idol, or Pop Idol, whatever it is called nearest to your locale, without having had anything but 2 years of piano and a few singing lessons. It's just not even possible to get yourself into that position, of even having that chance. And without chance, then you can't possibly win. Get it?
I gotta go soon, so I'll wrap it up. If I had taken things more seriously as a teenager and in college, it might be a possibility, but probably not. So whatever, I try to just accept it, but I keep coming back to it. I get depressed by it and am easily agitated and enraged and then I feel guilt when a project negative energy onto others. It's like I can feel a constant negative vibe in my house, and a lot of it is contributed to my own negative energy. Thus, I set my facebook status to a math expression, function, whatever you want to call it. It's a limit, and the limit of it is negative infinity. So that kind of tells you that I'm feeling like everything is spiraling down, but that drive for knowledge is still there most of the time. But like today, before I started writing this, I didn't really care about much today. I was just irritable and lethargic. If I did smoke weed, I don't, but if I did. I think this would be just the kind of day where I'd do it. If I were to do psychedlic drugs, I'd probably do it on those days where my brain is highly active, seeking higher knowledge. But I don't do drugs, and I rarely drink, which is good I'm sure. Man, I am rambling! Can you keep up with it, because I can't!!!! So anyway, this post itself has stimulated my brain and picked me up a bit because I'm talking about all these things and it's arousing my brain. But most of the time it feels like x^4 - y^4 = z^2. In other words, infinite descent. Yeah, that's what it's come down to. Posting math formulas, equations, whatever to symbolize my mood. This is what it has come to for me. WTF is going on?
So, I get depressed because I can't have it, and then I feel like, if I cannot achieve my destiny, then what's the point of being this nano-being of infinite existence?
But, my kids always bring me back to the real world. I know that they need me, and that they need me to help bring peace and positive energy into this house. So, essentially, they are the glue holding me together. They keep me from going over the edge. But.....if they interrupt me in my "brain-phase", I get really irritated, and negativity flows out. At the same time, whenever I'm not with them, I miss them so much. It's more than a see-saw. It's a see-saw with a constant imbalance rotating around perpetually in a gyroscope.

So far today, I've:
accomplished one work task
eaten pop-tarts, had three cups of coffee (only 6 hours sleep, or less)
eaten some triscuits with cream cheese on them, but not very many
listened to Porcupine Tree all day and it fit the mood. Melancholy with occasional bouts of odd meandering and exploration.
I've now switched to Devin Townsend and Strapping Young Lad. All my moods can fit into his music, and most of the stuff picks me up off the floor and infuses me with energy.

So, I feel a little better, but constantly scared of myself, and unpredictable. I don't know how I'm going to feel five minutes from now after I hit the submit button on this page.

I'm gonna feed the dogs and get supper ready for the kids, as they are coming home soon.

I'm not even going to proofread it, which I usually painstakingly do. Screw it. You'll just have to deal with it, and if you got this far, a big congratulations for sticking with it!

Thanks for listening (reading).
Cheers all!

[perpetuallysad]

Hey, I'm sorry I just got the chance to read all this today. I HATE when no one responds to me, so forgive me for not seeing this earlier and at least acknowledging that you were here!

I did manage to read it all, but I'm a liberal arts kinda person, so honestly a whole lot of that just flew right over my literature loving, science hating head (ok, I don't hate science, but it's not my genre of expertise!). Anyway, it sounds like you put a great deal of pressure on yourself. I hope that you are able to accept yourself for who you are. That actually seems to be a pretty amazing person. You sound like you would get along with my husband, who is the scientific brain around here.

Just wanted you to know someone was listening.

[Trying & Caring]

Yes--I'm here, too. Been in a mixed episode for 2 yrs. after my overdose of psych meds (suicide attempt)...

Doing better now w/DBT & indiv. therapy & meds adjusted...

Is your doc helping you???

[Pughead]

Hello. Thanks for the replies. I wasn't really that distressed, it was more of an outlet for a brain dump. I'm actually ok for the most part. But sometimes one small event can kick off a spiral, either upwards, downwards, sideways, or all three at once. I think the sleeping has a lot to do with it. I got almost 10 solid hours of sleep last night and I helped clean the whole house and I was in good spirits the whole time. Gonna go catch a flick with the whole fam tonight. It will be a lame movie (Alvin and the Chipmunks), but great fun for the kids.

As far as meds go, 400mg of Lamictal a day, and 60 mg of Buspar a day.
3mg of Xanax at night to calm the brain down enough to sleep, though I have to sometimes get up in the middle of the night and take another one. Even if I'm tired, I can't really sleep without it. I think I've developed a sort of psychological dependence on it for going to sleep.

P-doc wanted to get me off xanax, and he prescribed a small dose of seroquel. He thought it would do a better job of "quieting the mind", which is the way I described my night-time symptoms to him. I took 50mg (a small dose, as the prescription was for 25mg to 100mg) I collapsed at the bottom of the stairs, my wife called 911, and ended up in the hospital, barely conscious and my heart went into A-Fib. It was like having a panic attack, but being to f'd up to actually care. My heart was going crazy, I was sweating, muscles tightening, shallow breathing, but I couldn't really feel it, or care about it. The paramedics are like "You have a very irregular heartbeat, can you feel that?" I think I mumbled "I can't feel s--t." All i could tell is that my chest was having to work harder against gravity in order to breathe, but I was too knocked out to really care. They were asking me simple questions, like what's your middle name, where are you. Then they asked who the president of the United States is. It took a long time to answer. I almost said Bill Clinton, because he was the first democrat that came to mind as I started cycling through all the most recent presidents in my brain, starting with Reagan. Then the paramedic said "I'm going to put some aspirin in your hand and I want you to slowly chew on it." In my mind I was like, OK, how the hell am I suppose to tell my hand to get up to my mouth. I was extremely lethargic. They gave me some beta-blockers to help stabilize the heart and also some ativan to counter the panic-like symptoms, even though I couldn't really feel them. After a few hours my heart rhythm returned to normal, I felt better and they let me go. I told my p-doc and obviously he told me to throw the seroquel away and never take it again. So, we've decided to stick with the xanax routine at night, and it works most of the time, though I am groggy in the morning, just as kind of a hangover effect. I am usually fully alert about 10-12 hours after taking it, so I can deal with it.

I'll tell p-doc about the more recent mood bouncing next visit, a few weeks from now. Till then, I think self-awareness is really the key.

Thanks you guys.
Hope you are all doing well.

Cheers!