[Lucy79]

I am really at the end of my rope I just don't know where to turn and the internet is my last hope.

I have a friend that I roomed with in college. I didn't meet her until I actually moved in with her and did not learn that she is bipolar until about 6 months after living with her.

My grandmother was bipolar so I feel as though I have a large amount of patience with her, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

She has gotten help, but while living with her I found a bag in our garage
filled with medication bottles that were still full so I can only imagine that
she was not taking them at the time.

Now we are both adults and out of school and I've recently gotten married so we no longer live together but she has pretty much attached herself to me because everyone else in her life has had enough and I am the only person who will listen to her.

I've had times when she has called me in the middle of the night screaming that she is going to kill herself then she hangs up so by
the time my husband and I get up and drive the 20 minutes to her
apartment and beat down the down she says "oh I'm fine" and she is
perfectly calm.

She breaks up with her boyfriend it seems at least once a week.
She calls me screaming about him, her mom, or sister at least once
a week.

About a month ago we had a bad cancer scare with my dad and
she called me asking me to spend time with her and blew up saying
I didn't care about her mean while I was waiting to find out the result
of my dad's surgery.

Two nights ago she called me and had a total melt down screaming at me
at the top her her lungs that I don't care about her and never spend time
with her when it seems that all I do lately is spend time with her. I've even taken away from spending time with my husband to try to be a good friend to her. Everything I said to her was turned around to prove how wrong I am.


I just can't do it anymore.... I just can't. This has ruined relationships with my other friends and I don't want it to start effecting my marriage. I feel like she is sucking the life out of me. I know that sounds horrible but I just can't do it anymore.

She was so said on a new med that seemed to be doing well for her, but my guess is that she hasn't been taking them once again because it just seems to never end.

I've sought out the advice of my family and friends and everyone thinks I need to end my relationship with her, but I just don't know how.

She seems to erupt no matter what I say to her. I just don't know what to do because I feel so guilty if I don't try to help her. I feel like if the next time she calls me saying she is going to kill herself I don't do something and she actually does it then it makes it my fault for not trying.

Can anyone who has been on either side of a similar situation tell me what to do? I just don't know anymore....

[Moose72]

As someone who is both bipolar and who lives with someone who really SHOULD be on meds, she needs to fix herself- not you. If you keep abswering her "calls" she'll keep calling. She wont up and die if you do what you need to for you. Tell her shr is loved, give her the psych ER # and let it be.

[Ascension]

I am sorry to hear you( and by proxy your husband/family) is bearing the brunt of a person in throws of cycling. I know it's not easy to deal with those of us who are bipolar and are in an unbalanced state. It sounds to me that she is dpending on you too heavily as her only support. I would like to ask you to consider National Alliance for Mentalhealth Issues(NAMI as it is commonly referred to as). It has resources for people with loved ones that suffer from mental health issues. I am glad that your friend has you as a support. But she needs to learn to develop INTERNAL coping skills. She is too dependent on you to get healthy herself. She feels like you are her sense of sanity and she needs to learn to be more self sufficient.

Disclaimer here - I am not diagnosing. I don't know her or her situation well enough but you may want to Borderline Personality Disorder ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderl...ality_disorder ). Again I am not a doctor and I am not saying it to be the case but it may be something to take a look at because of her extreme swing in intimacy levels. Even if she isn't, understanding abandonment issues may help you deal with her better, because she has developed a very strong bond with you and has lost most of the others in her life. I hope this helps. This could use be a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder from years of hurting and being dependent and all the chaos that ensues because of it). Good luck and I hope you, your family and friend all find some peace in all of this.

[Anneinside]

I don't want to sound harsh, but change your phone number and stop seeing her. My sister had a friend for 15 years who was trying to come between her and her son. She also said very nasty things about my sister behind her back that other friends had reported to her. Friendship is a combination of respect and trust and if you don't have that then you don't have a friendship.

[Lucy79]

Originally Posted by Ascension

I am sorry to hear you( and by proxy your husband/family) is bearing the brunt of a person in throws of cycling. I know it's not easy to deal with those of us who are bipolar and are in an unbalanced state. It sounds to me that she is dpending on you too heavily as her only support. I would like to ask you to consider National Alliance for Mentalhealth Issues(NAMI as it is commonly referred to as). It has resources for people with loved ones that suffer from mental health issues. I am glad that your friend has you as a support. But she needs to learn to develop INTERNAL coping skills. She is too dependent on you to get healthy herself. She feels like you are her sense of sanity and she needs to learn to be more self sufficient.

Disclaimer here - I am not diagnosing. I don't know her or her situation well enough but you may want to Borderline Personality Disorder ( ). Again I am not a doctor and I am not saying it to be the case but it may be something to take a look at because of her extreme swing in intimacy levels. Even if she isn't, understanding abandonment issues may help you deal with her better, because she has developed a very strong bond with you and has lost most of the others in her life. I hope this helps. This could use be a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder from years of hurting and being dependent and all the chaos that ensues because of it). Good luck and I hope you, your family and friend all find some peace in all of this.

You are right, I think it is BPD... I've been reading about BP and it seems
mild compared to her behavior. Meaning that from what I am reading
people with BP don't have nearly as many episodes as she has.

I only know that a Dr. actually diagnosed her as BP but I think it is beyond that. I found this as red flags for BPD

Other big red flags:
-- only trusts you (perhaps 1 other person)
-- claims to be unable to live without you
-- overly idealizes romance & is intense about it
-- has wanted more than anything to be married
-- mentions marriage/cohabitation early in a relationship
-- claims you're soulmates, fated to be together, etc.
-- angst & ways of handling things seem teen-like
-- seems like their life will fall apart without you (it's not true, trust me, they do land on their feet despite the threats)

I can check off all of those for her... she tries to talk every guy she has dated into marrying her...moved in with this last guy after a week and they decided to get married after being together for a month.

Is tough love the way to go? Should I tell her we can continue to be
friends but only if she agrees to get real help (I don't believe she
sees a Dr. regularly)

Also what makes me think that you are right is that I've relaized she
took a turn for the worse when we told her we are moving to another
state. I think she is freaking out because she doesn't even have family
here. I'm it. But I just don't have the energy anymore...she has drained me. I guess it is some what my fault that I've allowed her to depend on
me so much....

Thank you for the advice I am going to look into NAMI

[Lucy79]

Originally Posted by Ascension

I am sorry to hear you( and by proxy your husband/family) is bearing the brunt of a person in throws of cycling. I know it's not easy to deal with those of us who are bipolar and are in an unbalanced state. It sounds to me that she is dpending on you too heavily as her only support. I would like to ask you to consider National Alliance for Mentalhealth Issues(NAMI as it is commonly referred to as). It has resources for people with loved ones that suffer from mental health issues. I am glad that your friend has you as a support. But she needs to learn to develop INTERNAL coping skills. She is too dependent on you to get healthy herself. She feels like you are her sense of sanity and she needs to learn to be more self sufficient.

Disclaimer here - I am not diagnosing. I don't know her or her situation well enough but you may want to Borderline Personality Disorder ( ). Again I am not a doctor and I am not saying it to be the case but it may be something to take a look at because of her extreme swing in intimacy levels. Even if she isn't, understanding abandonment issues may help you deal with her better, because she has developed a very strong bond with you and has lost most of the others in her life. I hope this helps. This could use be a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder from years of hurting and being dependent and all the chaos that ensues because of it). Good luck and I hope you, your family and friend all find some peace in all of this.

You are right, I think it is BPD... I've been reading about BP and it seems
mild compared to her behavior. Meaning that from what I am reading
people with BP don't have nearly as many episodes as she has.

I only know that a Dr. actually diagnosed her as BP but I think it is beyond that. I found this as red flags for BPD

Other big red flags:
-- only trusts you (perhaps 1 other person)
-- claims to be unable to live without you
-- overly idealizes romance & is intense about it
-- has wanted more than anything to be married
-- mentions marriage/cohabitation early in a relationship
-- claims you're soulmates, fated to be together, etc.
-- angst & ways of handling things seem teen-like
-- seems like their life will fall apart without you (it's not true, trust me, they do land on their feet despite the threats)

I can check off all of those for her... she tries to talk every guy she has dated into marrying her...moved in with this last guy after a week and they decided to get married after being together for a month.

Is tough love the way to go? Should I tell her we can continue to be
friends but only if she agrees to get real help (I don't believe she
sees a Dr. regularly)

Also what makes me think that you are right is that I've relaized she
took a turn for the worse when we told her we are moving to another
state. I think she is freaking out because she doesn't even have family
here. I'm it. But I just don't have the energy anymore...she has drained me. I guess it is some what my fault that I've allowed her to depend on
me so much.... I just have allot of fear in dealing with her right now because I know any kind of tough love will bring on another episode
and I've told her she needs to get help before (she was stalking her ex)
and she blew up. I just know she won't take it well...

Thank you for the advice I am going to look into NAMI

[lonegael]

Lucy, one added thing would be good to remember about your friend whenr´ther she is formally BPD is that you need to be able to set boundries with her. That means, 1) no calling late at night threatening suicide or you will call the cops to come and take her to a hospital. 2) you are not accountable to her about how and with whom you spend your time, although you do like her. 3) Family takes precedence. No exceptions. These are just a few of the things that you might have to put your foot down about. not doing so is disasterous for you, and not great for her either.
If you can't be consistant about holding to your boundaries, then you need to back out entirely. Again, I am less concerned about the label than the behaviour. You don't deserve the manipulation and the threatening and the irresponsible behaviour, regardless if it has its roots in a mood disorder or a personality disorder. It sounds like you have been a good, caring friend. Remember to care for yourself and your husband too. HUGGGS

[Ascension]

Ultimately if there is no reason to change then she most likely won't. It's hard but yes, you need to set some serious boundaries. Maybe tell her "We(I) want to see you get better and whatever we(I) have been doing isn't working. If you are still hurting get help from someone that can help you. I love you and want you to be happy and you aren't right now. I want to be friends but your hurt is more then I can help you with. Please call someone better equipped to make you happy." Then you have to do what the others above said. I am sorry you are put in a place where you have to do this.

[207annie7]

Originally Posted by Lucy79

I am really at the end of my rope I just don't know where to turn and the internet is my last hope.

I have a friend that I roomed with in college. I didn't meet her until I actually moved in with her and did not learn that she is bipolar until about 6 months after living with her.

My grandmother was bipolar so I feel as though I have a large amount of patience with her, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

She has gotten help, but while living with her I found a bag in our garage
filled with medication bottles that were still full so I can only imagine that
she was not taking them at the time.

Now we are both adults and out of school and I've recently gotten married so we no longer live together but she has pretty much attached herself to me because everyone else in her life has had enough and I am the only person who will listen to her.

I've had times when she has called me in the middle of the night screaming that she is going to kill herself then she hangs up so by
the time my husband and I get up and drive the 20 minutes to her
apartment and beat down the down she says "oh I'm fine" and she is
perfectly calm.

She breaks up with her boyfriend it seems at least once a week.
She calls me screaming about him, her mom, or sister at least once
a week.

About a month ago we had a bad cancer scare with my dad and
she called me asking me to spend time with her and blew up saying
I didn't care about her mean while I was waiting to find out the result
of my dad's surgery.

Two nights ago she called me and had a total melt down screaming at me
at the top her her lungs that I don't care about her and never spend time
with her when it seems that all I do lately is spend time with her. I've even taken away from spending time with my husband to try to be a good friend to her. Everything I said to her was turned around to prove how wrong I am.


I just can't do it anymore.... I just can't. This has ruined relationships with my other friends and I don't want it to start effecting my marriage. I feel like she is sucking the life out of me. I know that sounds horrible but I just can't do it anymore.

She was so said on a new med that seemed to be doing well for her, but my guess is that she hasn't been taking them once again because it just seems to never end.

I've sought out the advice of my family and friends and everyone thinks I need to end my relationship with her, but I just don't know how.

She seems to erupt no matter what I say to her. I just don't know what to do because I feel so guilty if I don't try to help her. I feel like if the next time she calls me saying she is going to kill herself I don't do something and she actually does it then it makes it my fault for not trying.

Can anyone who has been on either side of a similar situation tell me what to do? I just don't know anymore....

I know this sounds harsh but you need to cut her out of your life until she gets on her meds and she's stable. I'm one of those people that call people in the middle of the night and say terrible things to them. I've hurt a lot of people that way. She will demand more and of your time and you'll feel guilty and try to help more but you can only give so much before it starts damaging the other relationships in your life.