Do i tell him?

larakeziah · Feb 22, 2010, 12:49 PM

I've just started seein a guy who i really like and i think he really likes me too. I jus wanted some advice on whether to tell him about my Bipolar. It is early days at the moment but i don't want to get too close and then tell him and he not want to see me anymore cos that would devastate me. Do ya think i should tell him now and save me heartache or not tell him at all? Any advice would be great thanks

footballwidow · Feb 22, 2010, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by larakeziah

I've just started seein a guy who i really like and i think he really likes me too. I jus wanted some advice on whether to tell him about my Bipolar. It is early days at the moment but i don't want to get too close and then tell him and he not want to see me anymore cos that would devastate me. Do ya think i should tell him now and save me heartache or not tell him at all? Any advice would be great thanks

I would tell him. The further the relationship goes the harder it could be to tell him about your illness. I had the same question after I began dating my now husband. I told him three weeks after we began dating. After three years we married. Unfortunately, we are about to separate and he uses my bi-polar diagnosis against me or over my head as an excuse for our problems. It's hard to do but I would let him know. Good luck.

Nudyinae · Feb 22, 2010, 01:24 PM

Tell him now and you will either save yourself the heartache... or have a good relationship and he will understand you better.

Moreta · Feb 22, 2010, 01:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nudyinae

Tell him now and you will either save yourself the heartache... or have a good relationship and he will understand you better.

I concur.

I actually think I told my husband 1-2 months into our initial dating phase. But then again, his ex was bipolar, unmedicated, and an alcoholic, so he already knew what to expect. But since I'm bipolar, medicated, and not an alcoholic, I was actually a step up.

lonegael · Feb 22, 2010, 01:53 PM

Hard to tell, I wouldn't wait too long, but I think you should give him a chance to see you for who you are first before you tell him about the diagnosis. Otherwise you can really prejudice him agasint your good features. Still, as others mentioned. Not a good idea to wait too long either. good luck with your choice of action. Let us know how it goes! HUGGSS

larakeziah · Feb 23, 2010, 02:22 AM

Thank you all! You have been a big help. I'll try and find the right time to tell him and i'll let ya know how it goes. Thanks again! :-)

BashfullOne · Feb 23, 2010, 11:27 AM

Larakeziah - you gotten some really good advise here. I agree with them - it's better to get it out of the way. This way it won't wear you down either - worrying and fretting.

larakeziah · Feb 23, 2010, 04:47 PM

Thank you. I agree and had been thinking bout what you all have said and i knew before i posted the thread i should tell him, i jus wanted some confirmation on what i should do so thanks again

MissKaye · Feb 26, 2010, 09:50 PM

This has always been a frightening thing for me. I waited about two months into my current relationship so I could assess my boyfriend's attitudes/possible attitudes to mental illness. I even began a few conversations on the subject to test the waters. If he said anything really ignorant and derogatory I would have ended it. I agree that it is good to wait a bit so he will see who you really are above and beyond bipolar. If things progress well and you are sure you are really into each other then acceptance on his part should be easy. If he can't accept then he's no good to you.

Fire_Star · Feb 27, 2010, 12:53 AM

I agree with the others saying to give it time. Gives you a chance to see what he's really like and gives you piece of mind that he's not going, 'That's just the BP' etc as a default reaction. Get to know each other, then when you're confident, have a calm talk about it and encourage him to learn about about it. Some people need space - I had a boyfriend once that when he realised something was wrong and I told him, we took a break. We got back together but ended it due to my illness. Though at this time, I wasn't diagnosed or receiving any treatment either. He didn't know what to do and I couldn't take having someone around me.

Currently, my partner now knows everything that's happening. I started seeking treatment again during our time together so it meant I didn't have to play catch up, we do it all together. Gets bumpy but it works. I know some people aren't as open with their partners either - really depends on where you strike the right balance with them being aware enough to support you when you need it and you feeling comfortable that they *do* take it seriously.

Ascension · Feb 27, 2010, 02:19 AM

I never said I was Bipolar on a first date but I always got it out in the open before I got too involved. It's better to find out early whether or not the person is able to understand and support you in that, than wait months into it, get really involved and then things go south and you have invested so much. I wish you the best.

Skully · Feb 28, 2010, 11:46 AM

It is best to be open and honest at all times in a relationship. I would tell him now before you get too deeply involved. If he leaves then he wasn't meant for you anyway.

Perna · Feb 28, 2010, 01:40 PM

I think though too, as Queen hinted at, it's not going to be a total surprise to him if you bring it up. It's not like you're suddenly going to start being/behaving any differently than you have. You could start the discussion by just stating you have a medical problem and that it can influence your behavior but you aren't anticipating anything changing at the moment. Then let him ask questions if he wants.

I had a boss who was bipolar and thought it was a secret :-) but I had been coming to sites like PsychCentral and had mental health issues of my own so I guessed. Her daughter was diagnosed with it while I worked there (I worked at my boss' home, she had a couple offices in her basement) and the daughter was away at college and had not known about her mother's illness or that her uncle (father's brother so she got it from two sides) was bipolar and wasn't taking it well/believing she had it. I finally started talking about my own mental health issues in a compassionate, matter-of-fact way :-) and eventually my boss understood that it was "safe" to talk to me and tell me whatever she wanted instead of looking nervous when she said anything and hinting at dire things happening.

You can/are dealing with your illness, "show" that and be as open as you can and, if he's the sort of guy who is worth being around, he'll respond in kind and reassure you that the relationship can go forward.

awilson70 · Feb 28, 2010, 11:17 PM

As I think about my 20 year old son and his severe case of bi-polar - I think about what I would want to know if I was dating. His g-friend of 1 year is also bi-polar and they are young - so they might be more flexible. If you are anything like my son and have severe highs and lows- I think it's important to know. He might sleep for a good 2 days and then stay up all hours for 2 or 3 days. I also worry about what will happen if/when they decide to have a child. Will their child have any type of mental illness. With both of them mentally ill - its' a concern for me. (not them yet though.)

Angie

lettersfromjuliet · Mar 01, 2010, 02:51 AM

I just started dating someone as well! It's my first relationship since I've been diagnosed and treated for bipolar. I told the guy right up front, I have come to the realization that bipolar doesn't make me who I am, its just a part of me. But it is a part that needs to be attended to every once in a while. Its not a fault to have bipolar, because its not under our control. All we have control over is seeking help and taking our medications and learning more about our problem (which you are obviously doing if you're on this website). I'd rather tell someone I could potentially get close to about it now, then have him see me on one of my manic states and try to explain it to him then. If he flees after you explain everything to him, then he wasn't worth your time anyway. Good Luck! I love talking about relationships, so if you ever want to chat or anything just let me know!

larakeziah · Mar 01, 2010, 12:44 PM

Thank you all for taking the time to reply!!!
i told him on friday night on the phone but I was really drunk!! I know I shouldn't have done but I couldn't help myself. He said it was ok and that he still wanted to see me but that it was the wrong time to tell him cos he was also drunk!! we have spoken about it since but i'm going to see him later, so I know I have alot of explaining to do!!!!

Thanks again, I will keep u updated!!