[Amazonmom]

This is going to look really stupid, but I am a mess right now.

Last night I was reading msnbc like I usually do...and I found an article about how there have been three possible suicides in the last week at the college I went to for my first degree. My college has an unfair reputation for being a suicide factory- there aren't any more there than the nationwide average.

When I was a senior there I almost became one of those suicides. The stress of stopping myself sent me into mania for the first time. Now I am having these awful flashbacks about my first major mood swing. I'm back to being the girl who nobody cares about, who nobody wanted to help. Nobody cared about her, and sometimes she wishes she didn't care about herself either.

I wish I could have told those kids something, anything.

[phlashback]

I know the feeling of wishing you could have said something to stop it. A few years ago I did not pick up the phone when my friend Aaron called. I was deep into depression and was hoplessly lost at the time. The next morning I listend to the voicemail and it was Aaron appologizing for any wrongs he had done. No sooner than the message ended I got a call from his mother.

He killed himself not more than 10 min after he called me. I still feel responsible for his death. I was not there and did not listen to the cry for help.

Aaron and I were alot alike. We both suffered from bipolar disorder. We shared our sense of lonliness, and isolation.

I still feel like the lost person who really has no one that cares for them. It seems that every time I start to make progress, something gets in the way. I wish that I could have been normal, but that was not my lot in life. I am now 31 and have a hole in my soul that I only dream of bieng healed.

I guess I wanted to say that if you need some one to care about you, I will. Sometimes it just helps knowing that there is a faceless person wishing you well.

[BNLsMOM]

I am so sorry you are triggered.

Can you do something to distract yourself? Relaxation exercises, yoga, a bath?

Please keep posting here.

[thinker22]

I don't know what to say, but I do know that you're a good person and you've encouraged me in difficult times. That means more than you may know. I'm sure every person on here you've contributed to would say the same. You are loved.

[Amazonmom]

I made lunches, I gave my toddler a bath, I sent paperwork to cancel a student loan. I reminded myself that I do have support in real life and on PC.
Flashbacks less intense now. I can always call or email T if i have to.

Hugs.

It's not stupid at all, amazonmom. I think it impacts us especially strongly because we *do* understand. I'm glad that you were able to do things that helped you and that you have support, there and here.

[Typo]

((((((((((Amazonmom)))))))))