[phlashback]

The last week has been particularly difficult. Time change, old memories, new experiences, forgiving, questioning, doubt, shock, confusion. I am feeling more vulnerable than I am comfortable with.

My older sister, whom had been out of my life, has come back. I talked on the phone with her today, and it is the first time I heard her voice in 10 years. I also talked to my niece who is now 17 and not the child I remember, but rather she is what I remember my sister sounding like. I have two nephews, one I only met once, and the other was on the way when we last spoke.

We last saw my sister when she was on her way out west with her husband. I am 8 years younger than my sister, and have issues with trusting people, and to more of a degree females due a lot with what my sister was and represented in my life.

When I was about 11 my sister was going to pick me up, and spend the day with me... She is my dads first daughter, with his first wife... and she had just moved to our town from the city. I waited on the entry way stairs from 11:00 am - 5:00 pm and she did not show. When I went to my room, my tv was gone (our grandfather and I had fixed that tv just prior to his death). I found out from the neighbors that when I was out on a bike ride she came by, and had taken the tv. this is just one of many things that fostered an unhealthy view of people. There was also money stolen.

On my 13th birthday she had come from where she was living at that time (about 1:45 hr away). She brought her new boyfriend. My parents had a business and were moving into a new location on that weekend, so my birthday was already in the backseat. She arrived, and entered my room her boy friend told me to scram and they used my room to do what every 13 year old boy is hoping to be doing (action not person).

I was already suffering from a migraine, and to be kicked out of the only comfortable place I could be was bad enough. To have to hear what was going on, and know that it was my bed did not help matters at all. I was undiagnosed but clearly depressed at that period to begin with.

Well here I am, talking to my sister again, and reconnecting. I sent her an email after connecting on facebook (through my niece). I told her how many things that had happened hurt me and help warp my view on relationships. She acknowledged and apologized and shared with me some things. The air is finally clear. I forgave her and by extension I released my anger and let the negative feeling fade.

Also I had met a woman just after beging to let myself forgive. Out of nowhere she signaled me out. I approached, and she asked when we were going to hang out. She gave me her number. I was struck dumb. We went out, had coffee, conversation, dinner. We agreed to go out on Wednesday to a hockey game. When we parted she hugged me, and played with my beard. I was feeling on top of the world.

I switched into a manic phase, and the negative voices discouraged me. I was convened that she was going to cancel. She did 4 hours before, claiming to be ill. Friday was her brothers birthday and they had a group go to the game on that day. I have season tickets so we planned on meeting at the game. Which was easy as she ended up one section over and one row down. When she saw me she ran and jumped to give a big hug. Then she introduced me to her family who was present, and due to the number of seats I went back to my area.

At the period breaks we talked, and the third period she asked me down as they had people leave by that point (we were getting crushed by the team one away from the bottom in the league). As I took my new seat she introduced her boyfriend, whom was not there until the second period. I played it cool surprisingly.

My dad, who was at the game with me, agreed that I seemed to play it off well, as he did not see me flinch, and he agreed that I was not over reading things.

Now what do I do. she never mentioned boyfriend, and she was asking me questions, that aluded to her looking for a relationship. Mentioning ex boyfriend once and it was in a context that was acceptable. My mom, sister and sister in law agree with what I was thinking.

Now I have everyone offering me advice, but I am not sure what to do. Every thought is spinning out of control.

[grizmom]

I am glad to hear that you are trying to reconnect with your sister! I hope that continues to be a positive experience for you.

As for the woman you met, I am SO sorry that she treated you that way. I would be confused and upset too. If it was me, I would not see the person again. Anyone who starts a new relationship with a lie is not worth having in your life. Even if she and her boyfriend have an "open" relationship, she should have told you that from the start. And, unfortunately, now that you know that she didn't tell you the truth about having a boyfriend, you really don't know how much of anything else she has told you is true.

I also have trust issues, so I do know how hard it can be when you finally do start to trust someone and then they shatter that trust. It is 10 times more difficult to trust again. I do hope that you will someday meet someone who can earn your trust and keep it. Take care of yourself and do whatever you feel is right for you.

[phlashback]

Thanks,

I was reflecting with my brother, and by his count I should have better luck... A married woman, a lesbian, and an otherwise attached woman has been my recent record.

The married woman was looking for something extra, and I am not that person. The lesbian was attempting men again, but still lived and shared a room with her "ex", I am looking for intimacy but not in a shared experience. I may have joked about it with friends, but at my core I would not go through with it.

As I look for trust, all I find are people that appear to not be trustworthy. I need something in my life.. but I do not want to devalue myself in the process... god knows I judge myself more harshly than anyone else ever could.

My sister sits at an interesting crossroad. It has been helpful reconnecting, and extending my support group. She actually seems to get me which is a relief. She also did not try to offer excuses for the past which meant more than anything. She apologized which helped me to start making my self vulnerable.

As for what my next move is, I cannot let the situation now just rest. I owe it to myself to make clear what I feel about the situation... As my brother related to me, he introduced his wife in much the same way to who was about to be ex due to basic incompatibilities in the relationship.

I just need to approach it lightly. She sent mixed signals, but did she actually mean to. It also would not hurt to have a female friend in my life.

Mind you my friends and family all agree that there would be some value in continuing. My dad told me some stories about various relationships. I can trust my dad because he witnessed what he thought was obvious, and my uncle who was there also were surprised by the situation.

Before I do anything I need to take a step back. I do not want to analyze, but listen to what my body says as my mind seems to have held me back to this point.