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#1
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I just watched a movie called Feast of Love with Morgan Freeman and an ensemble cast. I think my meds stop me from crying so the only time I usually have a good cry is when I watch a movie that really touches me deeply. This was a "little" movie, but Boy did it touch me big time. I've had a really big cry, and I'm all shakey.
In essence, and as it relates to me, the movie is about the most profound of losses of loved ones in our lives, repeated cruel rejection, the emotional shut-down and defence mechanisms of people who experience those things, and then the ultimate realisation that we need to keep our hearts open and be prepared to take emotional risks if we are to have love in our lives going forward. That just basically sums up that whole side of my emotional life and the losses and rejections, abandonment and neglect that I have experienced my whole life. And my deep seated fears of letting people in as I have been so hurt and also because I do suffer from life-threatening mental illness so I need to protect myself and my mental health. I have developed very strong boundaries and assetiveness skills to protect myself primarily from my family, but now I would really like to start to learn and practise having an open heart and taking emotinal risks. If I keep the door closed, no-one can ever come in. I have one friend left and an excellent mental health team and I do trust those people, and communicate freely and openly. Of course it took time to build those levels of trust and the same must occur with new people coming into my life. I'm moving to a larger town this year and there will be many more opportunities to make friends and God Forbid, maybe a nice man!! LOL. But I've tried and fallen many times, partly because of mental illness and people rejecting me because of it, so it's scarey putting myself "out there". These are not unfounded fears as the rejections have been real, but I want to find a way to negotiate friendships or a love relationship. I'm not done yet!! |
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#2
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Wendy,
Thanks for sharing. I actually had a big breakthrough with my dad. Long story, I wont bore you with the past. But the anger and hurt was eating me alive and I knew something had to change. We cant change others so I had to change myself. I read several books on healing the heart and letting go of past hurts so I was prepaired for the encounter with him. I didnt know how to initiate it without the fear that he would slam the door in my face, he lives next door. Well then it just happened. I live on the water and there was a dog drowning and too big for me to lift over the wall. I had to call my dad for help. Weve done animal rescues like this before and he would not even let his pride get in the way of saving a life. We found it very natural talking and working together as we rescued the dog to safety. We didnt rehash the past and today I had lunch with him for the first time in a year. I think that if I had not prepaired my heart ahead of time this would not have turned out so well. Heal yourself cutie and the opportunities will present themselves at the appropriate time. ![]() |
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#3
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Thanks ruffy, that's a lovely story and a lovely message. Good on you.
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#4
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Life will always be a work in process. Some have more challenges than others. No matter the number, to view them as challenges rather than impediments is a great start. Good luck.
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#5
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Yes, I agree, I am moving to a new town this year and there are many things I could see as a threat, including breaking in a whole new mental health team (it's taken just so much work in this town I moved into 18 months ago). But I am doing my continuous journalling and I am phrasing things like that as opportunities rather than threats.
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#6
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moving was hard on me this year... i had to leave the friends behind that had taken me years to make... i think the best thing to do is to join a group in your community and immediately get active with your new doc and t... its hard to change docs and t but sometimes its for the better
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