[leah0306]

i have told father,and mother about diagnoisis about ten years ago, at first it was "well maybe its just" comments, they didnt want to acknowledge my issues, it was during this time i was diagnoised with lupus, and maybe it was too much....my husband treats it as a joke occaionally, you know "your just being bipolar"crap, and i dont feel my family are very supportive. we all have big things in our lives, and my physical disease is seemingly the only thing i should worry about, based on their attitudes. my mother thinks the meds. are too dangerous, sorta unnecessay, why i could "pray harder and be healed of these mental attacks from some evil spirit", even though its medically a chemical imbalance. now im not saying it should be an excuse for everything--but still... during a meet for coffee, i said i have felt like aadmitting myself for a stay at a med. facility, for a short rest and to be stabilized, and she was horrified at me saying this...the problem is i disconnect socially from everyone when im in a desperate mood, and shes never seen this side, manic yeah-and she accused me of being "on something!!" well, just needed to vent, any thoughts about this would be appreciated...

[mrsinful]

I think dealing with family who don't recognize this as a true illness is the second hardest thing to deal with. The first for me was to admit i needed help. I feel your pain. Many times people in your life that are the closest to you can hurt you the most. At least you know you are not alone, My thoughts are with you.If you need to talk i am here. Bipolar sucks.

[meApe]

(((((leah0306)))))

I've been guilty of isolating myself too. My older brother who I haven't seen in a couple of years, thought I was "on something" too, btw he's an alcoholic like hes one to talk. The ones closest to us, tend to hurt worse. If you keep them at a distance then they think you are avoiding them. If you keep them close they get to see all to close the effects of this. It like some horrible catch 22. With this, our loved ones need treatment too.

[Alexandria04]

I have a similar situation. My therapist said that people can't help me and support me if they don't know I am having a hard time (I am really good at hiding it and acting like everything is okay). So I was trying to be mildly honest about how I was feeling with some friends who I thought would support me. Well, it ended up that they thought I should just "decide to be happy" as if I was deciding not to be happy or something. They wanted me to just snap out of it and stop acting sad/angry or whatever. It really hurt because I expected support and encouragement from them and all they could do was tell me to suck it up and drive on. So much for that whole "tell people you are hurting" theory.

People just don't understand and don't want to think that something is wrong in their perfect little world. They want everything to be in their control and to look perfect. But it's not, and none of us choose to "act this way" it is either a chemical imbalance that none of us can help or control or it is the result of a traumatic experience (traumatic to us, not necessarily to anyone else) which we cannot help or control either, or a combination of both IMHO. So, no answers for you here but I sympathize.

[FeelingHopeful]

As a loved one trying to understand bipolar and educate myself on it i cannot thank you guys enough for these posts. Helps me understand even more how hard it is for you struggling with it. i get so annoyed when people tell others to snap out of it. you cant. its not your fault. for family that do want to help do you find it easier to open up. i want to help someone i love.

[Eloise42]

Yeah me too. Sometimes I think it's the genetic component they can't deal with, they don't want to think that they might also have a disorder or that they are responsible for passing it on to me. My mother's grandfather was bipolar and she seems to have been accepting of that but is STILL nursing the fantasy that I instead have ADHD.

I'm gay and in my experience it is WAY harder to come out as bipolar. I've had family question and criticize me for being on prescription drugs. There have been some really hurtful and ignorant comments.

I worry about everything but for some reason I don't let this one get to me. I know I'm bipolar, as do my doctors and my more informed friends, and this knowledge gives me a little peace. It's enough that I know it's true.

I've found that people who have a hard time with this information, especially my family, are usually wrestling with their own demons. They are uninformed and in denial but at the end of the day those are their issues and not mine and I have enough to deal with already.

[Typo]

My family doesn't believe me either about my bipolarII disorder, my dad sometimes acceptces I have PTSD, but overall they just won't believe me, or they invalidate my diagnosis. I think family has a hard time believing this, because they feel they failed as parents, sibilings, etc. I know personally that my parents probably feel it is a reflection that they are bad parents, or raised me wrong, they can't accept that it's chemically inclined, my parents will accept depression (something they both struggle with, althought one time they tried to diagnois my mom as manic depressive) but not bipolar II. I think another part of it is the media, and the stigmas and misconcepts about being bipolar.

I"m lucky I have a few close friends that accept this and help me through my extreme mood swings (when I'm able to reach out)

Maybe you could try educating them on the disorder? I tried that with my parents, but they just turned a blind eye, but maybe there might be hope to try with yours

I understand so well Leah what your saying, I"ve had all of those things said to me by my family, and it hurts, I take comfort in that I know the truth and so does my T and pdoc, sometimes that is the biggest comfort we can take shelter in.

Best Wishes
Typo

[grizmom]

In case this might help someone here:

Ten things friends and family members NEED to know about those of us with bipolar disorder. (believe this was written by Julie Fast)

10. If you blame us or put us down or get impatient or angry with us for bipolar disorder behavior it simply makes us sicker! Impatience never got us out of bed or made us less depressed. Anger never made us stop spending when we are manic. Kind and realistic rules and limits do help. Telling us that you will not and cannot live with us if we don't treat bipolar disorder first does help. But helping us help ourselves is the best gift you can give us. If you know what behavior is a symptom of the illness, you can then treat the illness to help the behavior instead of getting so upset with us all of the time. (We are upset enough with ourselves, believe me!)

9. Understand that we cannot always help you do things when we are sick. You may need help around the house, with the kids, the bills, the laundry, etc. Deep down we know that, but sometimes we are just too sick to do anything. Help us get well and then we can help you around the house more. Help us get well and we will be a good friend, partner, daughter, son, grandson, granddaughter and parent. If you expect us to be able to do normal things when we are sick, then you will only get more upset with us. If you expect us to treat bipolar disorder first- that is reasonable and something we can work on together! Then we can do the laundry and the dishes with pleasure. We can have fun in life.

8. Depression is very motivated. I don't know if there is a more successful illness in the world. It is a champ, a winner! It sets goals and follows through with its goals. "I want Julie to be really sick and down on herself today. I want her to stay in bed, eat junk and cry buckets of tears." And it sure does do a good job! Depression is serious and motivated and strong. Without the right tools it is impossible for us to fight it. WE ARE NOT LAZY! WE ARE NOT SLACKERS! WE ARE NOT DUMB, WEAK OR FAILURES! We are sick. Learn our individual signs of depression and help us fight it. If depression is motivated and successful, then we all have to get motivated and successful. If you see us sitting on the couch doing nothing day after day- don't get on our case for being on the couch. Get some tools to help us get off the darn couch! Get motivated, serious and strong, just like depression. Then teach us how to do this. Help us find the right mix of medications, alternative treatments and lifestyle changes that make depression the failure instead of making us look like failures. We need your help to fight this illness. We need your love to beat depression.

7. What you do in YOUR life makes a huge difference in how we experience our bipolar disorder symptoms in OUR lives. This is not fair on you, but it is a reality. It should be that you can do what you want and we can lead our own lives and let you be you - but people with bipolar disorder cannot simply separate themselves from the things you do. If you are stressed and unhappy and unhealthy, you have to know that it can affect us greatly.

6. Bipolar disorder is a disability. It is not really recognized in that way right now, but it will be more so in the future- many of us are dis-abled from leading the life we want and you want us to lead. We simply can't function like other people can function. We can't snap out of it, therapy our way out of it or just get on with it- whatever the "it" is you want us to do. WE HAVE TO LEARN WHAT WE CAN DO AND WE NEED YOUR HELP! Please know that stress makes us sick- good stress, bad stress, stress that is none of our business- all stress makes us sick. Can you look at us differently? Can you see us as people who have an illness that often makes us unable to be "normal"? Can you hug us, love us and help us even when we make you scared, angry and embarrassed? Please help us turn a disability into an opportunity.

5. This illness is not about you. We are not trying to punish you or ruin your life. We do not want to treat you badly. It is a side effect of bipolar disorder when we change our moods. This does not make it ok- and it does not mean that it will not cause huge problems for you, but it is not about YOU at all.

4. If we are manic, spending money seems like a good idea. It is part of the illness. It is a proven symptom of mania. We need your help in creating checks and balances so that we can prevent manic spending sprees. If you are blind to what we are spending when we are well and then suddenly notice the $5000 we spend during a manic episode and then get angry, it is not fair. Please be consistent and help us monitor our money at all times so no one is caught unaware again.

3. Medication side effects really, really suck. They often make us fat, tired, sick, scared, suicidal, seemingly stupid and angry. We need help in adjusting our meds and telling the doctors what we need. It is not ok to have these side effects and when we are in the middle of them and a doctor is telling us just to "wait and see how things go," we feel helpless and want to give up. Help us find different medications and comprehensive treatments that do not have so many side effects. Advocate for us if we are intimidated by our doctors.

2. Some of us with bipolar disorder cannot work like "normal" people. We cannot go to the office or keep a 9-5 job. It simply makes us too sick to function. Many of us have had a different job every year because we want so badly to fit in and be like everyone else. The reality is that we may need to find alternative ways to support ourselves and we truly need your help. Please understand that we WANT to be productive- we just have to find a different way of being productive. Going to an office really is not everything. If we need disability, help us get disability and understand that it is so very humiliating for intelligent people like us to have to get help from the government because we can't work. Never, ever make us feel guilty because we can't work! Help us find work that is non stressful, fun and helps us be independent. And if you are supporting us because we can't work- thank you so very, very much.

1. People with bipolar disorder are intelligent, funny, creative, free thinkers, different, loving and kind - WHEN THEY ARE WELL. People with bipolar disorder are demanding, sad, annoying, scary, self centered, all over the place, uncaring, dangerous, and crazy - WHEN THEY ARE SICK. In order to help us be all of the good things, bipolar disorder must be treated first. This is the ONLY way for us to have a good relationship. Because bipolar disorder does not want any of us to be happy. Friends and family are so important in the lives of people with bipolar disorder. We do not need you to take care of us- not at all- we need you to help us take care of ourselves: Take care of yourself first, get the right tools and then show us that you are willing to join us in our goal for a stable life. Always take care of yourself, but NEVER GIVE UP ON US!

[sugahorse1]

grizmom - I sent that exact same info to my close friends and other half. It's been very hard to explain to my other half, but he's slowly learning. I do tend to snap at him, which is not fair. I recently became very introverted during my depressive phase, and he was worried. I had to explain it was my way of coping. I also need him to understand that he is my pillar, the one I lean on for strength.

Leah - I'd just find as much literature as possible and let them read. Some people unfortunately don't understand or really believe in mental illnesses and it cane be VERY hard to convince them otherwise.

I hope things work out for you - otherwise we're always here to support

[DestroyMe_Slowly]

So just going off on some of these earlier posts...."Just be happy"...wow, if I had a nickle for every time I heard that!! I can relate though. My parents didn't understand or didn't want to understand. My husband does not understand & would never try to. I felt so alone. My sister tried to understand as much as possible, but it just wasn't enough. These days, I keep everything to myself. I don't have anyone to vent to about it. Randomly my mom will talk about how she heard something on Oprah or "Dr. OZ said.." & recommend I be evaluated again & that I may have been misdiagnosed...So maybe that could be a possibility...But I can be the most angry person I know. How could it be really anything else? So it hurts, it can be so painful feeling alone. Especially when a LOT of people think bipolar disorder is contagious or that you are schizophrenic. I've had friends stop talking to me because they literally thought I was "crazy" & became fearful of me. Really? Would it hurt to go read about it online for 5 mins instead of logging onto myspace?! For 6 years, I've tried to deal with being Bipolar just by myself. It's pretty lonely.

[The Crazy Rambler]

Leah,

I am so sorry your family responds like this.

Family should be there to care for and love us. Parents in particular. Also God intended them to have our best interest at heart and protect us, showing us who He really is. That is why it is so hard and painful when it doesn't happen. I know how it feels.

While it is good to pray and receive prayer it is no guarantee that that will heal us (I have also believers around me who ask me that first before even understanding what the illness is, kinda disheartening, as if you arent taken seriously: like oh, we'll pray and you will be fine.) It is NOT an evil spirit or an attack from the devil. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain - it is even proven that a brain from a BP looks different than the brain of a so called normal person! - and sometimes also a genetic disposition. Add in some traumas and voilà: there we are! Still, I believe in His healing. But I am also realistic: as long as I know I have BP I have to take the measures that help me to be as well as I can be. Thàt is my responsibility.

It sounds as if your family wants to make you responsible for being sick. I hope you know and feel deep down that that is not true. It is NOT your fault. Unfortunately it doesn't make the pain less that you suffer from the lack of interest and care from your family. There could be a million reasons for them to be like that, but in the end they are still your parents and you want them to be who they are meant to be.

My parents are very conditional, even after an absence of contact for nearly 20 (!) years. If I do not 'obey' those conditions, relationship is witheld. Their condition is harmful to me, so I haven't fulfilled them, hence no relationship... It hurts, even though I know they are not good for me, still there is this tug in my heart, this desire for contact. It sucks big time!

I am trying to do some educating around me, but it is hard for people to understand that you can't 'snap out' of it. As if it is all about will power. Yeah, right! If it was, we wouldn't be sick, would we!!!

I wish you all the wisdom you need in the contact with your family. I pray His comforting arms around you, may He give you what you need. If you feel you need some time in the hospital, discuss it with your T and pdoc and follow their advice. Do what is the best for you! Be kind to yourself!



The Crazy Rambler

[leah0306]

Originally Posted by The Crazy Rambler

Leah,

I am so sorry your family responds like this.

Family should be there to care for and love us. Parents in particular. Also God intended them to have our best interest at heart and protect us, showing us who He really is. That is why it is so hard and painful when it doesn't happen. I know how it feels.

While it is good to pray and receive prayer it is no guarantee that that will heal us (I have also believers around me who ask me that first before even understanding what the illness is, kinda disheartening, as if you arent taken seriously: like oh, we'll pray and you will be fine.) It is NOT an evil spirit or an attack from the devil. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain - it is even proven that a brain from a BP looks different than the brain of a so called normal person! - and sometimes also a genetic disposition. Add in some traumas and voilà: there we are! Still, I believe in His healing. But I am also realistic: as long as I know I have BP I have to take the measures that help me to be as well as I can be. Thàt is my responsibility.

It sounds as if your family wants to make you responsible for being sick. I hope you know and feel deep down that that is not true. It is NOT your fault. Unfortunately it doesn't make the pain less that you suffer from the lack of interest and care from your family. There could be a million reasons for them to be like that, but in the end they are still your parents and you want them to be who they are meant to be.

My parents are very conditional, even after an absence of contact for nearly 20 (!) years. If I do not 'obey' those conditions, relationship is witheld. Their condition is harmful to me, so I haven't fulfilled them, hence no relationship... It hurts, even though I know they are not good for me, still there is this tug in my heart, this desire for contact. It sucks big time!

I am trying to do some educating around me, but it is hard for people to understand that you can't 'snap out' of it. As if it is all about will power. Yeah, right! If it was, we wouldn't be sick, would we!!!

I wish you all the wisdom you need in the contact with your family. I pray His comforting arms around you, may He give you what you need. If you feel you need some time in the hospital, discuss it with your T and pdoc and follow their advice. Do what is the best for you! Be kind to yourself!



The Crazy Rambler

hi, thanks for sharing your story, i too have a relationship with parents where i walk on egg shells, they especially dont want to interact when im depressed, but do occasionaly enjoy when im manic, they get a joy from the rapid thoughts, and seemingily burst of energy, grand ideas,ect... they will call much more often then.... but i guess noone wants to talk to a depressed person.... my mom too has suggested it could possibly be a vitiman defiency!!! oh well, i hope we both can have improved relationships soon...take care

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by The Crazy Rambler

While it is good to pray and receive prayer it is no guarantee that that will heal us (I have also believers around me who ask me that first before even understanding what the illness is, kinda disheartening, as if you arent taken seriously: like oh, we'll pray and you will be fine.) It is NOT an evil spirit or an attack from the devil. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain - it is even proven that a brain from a BP looks different than the brain of a so called normal person! - and sometimes also a genetic disposition. Add in some traumas and voilà: there we are! Still, I believe in His healing. But I am also realistic: as long as I know I have BP I have to take the measures that help me to be as well as I can be.

I like the line from the song Life Uncommon by Jewel: "...if praying were enough it would have come to be..."

I believe that praying for help is important, but like the song implies, we need to do more than just pray.

[Dave255]

If your family can't understand, they should at least be trying to. Or say "Even though I don't understand, if there is any help you need I can give it"

If your Mom cannot handle it at all and reacts very badly it might be best to avoid talking to her about it. It gets her very upset and you very upset.

Do you have other people that are more supportive that you could talk to about it instead?

[bp*april]

I just have to avoid he entire issue with my parents and other family. I think they think it reflects poorly on them. I no longer have any friends. I have to work on this.