I completely flipped out

I'm in Australia and our Federal Budget came down this week and I was listening to the radio the night it came down and on the news it was announced that the Government will be reviewing all Disability Support Pensions (which I'm on because of life-threatening mental illness, I can't work now and have been on the Pension for three years) and will be cutting Pensions and thus save $400million over the next four years.

Well, I completely flipped, went into the most massive panic attack, couldn't go to sleep although I took the maximum meds I am allowed (the inability to sleep is a common problem for me - but this was basically an all-nighter). I had to call Psych Triage in the middle of the night and unfortunately got the one psych who mans the phones who is a complete dickhead and shouldn't be working in the field. I called my own psychologist who works in the same system first thing in the morning and she helped me calm down and explained some of the nuts and bolts of what will happen with these pension reviews.

I was being very irrational as the news report had said that "Recipients will now have to provide evidence that they have been unable to get a job through an open employment service or vocational rehabilitation." And I went through all this last year when I tried, with the help of a great mental health team and a great local job agency funded by the Government to go back to work and I failed dismally, so I would be the least likely to be targetted.

I hate this. Not so much the Government part but the way I react. I have done endless work on myself in psychiatry, psychology and AA (11 years sober), but I still wig out bigtime when things come at me out of left field. I am paralysed by it, I am embarrassed by it and I feel, every time it happens that I have gone back to square One, even though that's not true.

And because I hadn't slept (and I had a bad sleep the night before which would have made me vulnerable), it now looks like I had a virus coming on as I had sweats and chills, and then the Bidget announcement was made, I flipped my lid.

Yesterday, the day following the announcement was a very bad day because I was so exhausted, the virus was happening and I'm alone for many hours, waiting for bedtime (couldn't sleep during the day even though I needed to), I was really nauseous, which is not common for me and I was so close to throwing up my meds, which terrifies me, terrified that all this would dovetail into days of no sleep and for me as a Bipolar the more tired I am the less I am likely to sleep. But luckily I did sleep so while I'm fragile today it's definitely better than yesterday. And as my psychologist suggested, it did pass and hopefully quicker than such episodes in the past (thousands of these all night panic attacks in the past).

But Oh, I am Sooooooo sick of being Bipolar with Panic and Anxiety Disorders. Aaaaarrgghh.................

I understand completely! I would have reacted the same way...it's something I still need to work on. I am glad your psychologist was able to help you. I hope the virus passes quickly and that you are able to get some sleep tonight!!

Yes. What grizmom said. I'd totally have reacted the same way. It can be really hard to not be thrown by such a thing. I totally struggle with projecting worry into the future. What if? What if? Try hard to remain in the moment, but not always successfully (ok, rarely...). I think it's because we know how vulnerable we are, and it's frightening. I'm so very glad to hear that it will very likely not affect you. That is a comfort. I'm sooo glad you had someone at hand to calm you, even if it took a bit of waiting. Wishing the very best for you in being able to sleep and that the virus passes quickly. It's even harder to weather things when our systems are down. Lots of to you!

Yes, I still have the problem of projecting, even after 11 years in AA - that's one of their strategies - not to project. It's partly that I don't have a faith, where most AA-ers do, so I can't think, "my Higher Power will look after me etc", and thus stay in the moment, I feel really vulnerable to the ebbs and flows of life. And I also now have no contact with family or friends except one remaining girlfriend who lives a long way away and I truly believe, and all the psych literature says, that if you have a strong social support network you are more robust and feel safer in the world and thus are less likely to totally flip about things like I did, and continue to do.

Innerzone, the weather is definitely a factor - I'm in Australuia and we're heading into winter and I live on the coast in south west Victoria which gets blasts from the Southern Ocean and the cold weather has hit big time. And loads of people in this town have cold or flu. I'm OK for the moment (still rickety and shaky due to this weeks events) and I don't know whether that means it was a 24 hour thing, or that it's just backed off for a moment and will come back with a vengnance like viruses can.