[WendyAussie]

Man am I not doing well. I have a whole heap of life issues all at once that have caused me in recent weeks to be in terrible panic and anxiety. I can't sleep well at the best of times and even with a huge dose of meds each night my sleep is worse now because I'm so panicky and hyper-vigilant. I can't change any of these life issues except to accept them, but I do all my AA (I'm a sober alki too) and my therapeutic tools, but it's just one of those times when life is simply overwhelming. I am very alone as most people have bailed because of my mental illnesses - even though I am in recovery in psychiatry, psychology and AA, when family members aren't in active recovery. And I had to bail on some of them as they won't address their problems.

What happens with me is that if I am in deep panic and anxiety for an extended period, Bipolar Major Depression, and then suicidality (which I have acted on previously and from which I nearly died) kick in as my system just goes into overload and the depression seems to be the natural course of things.

I saw my psychologist and psychiatrist today and they are both excellent, very loving and caring - thank God for them. My psychiatrist is a straight shooter, which I like and he told me today about one of the issues in my life - a huge financial issue. He explained what usually happens with this particular issue and while I knew the facts in general what he said confirmed that it IS a very difficult situation and that I must adjust myself to the worst possible outcome. He is totally right and it will help me to adjust myself to the situation but that is certainly easier said than done, as the psychologist agreed when we were walking out.

I am also going through terrible dramas with my University - I am back studying after many years. The academic part is fine - fun actually, as I'd hoped, and I am passing. But in another subject the Uni has totally dropped the ball in enabling me to go forward to do the subject and their whole admin interface is an absolute disaster (including the "suppport" of the Disability Liaison guy - what a laugh) - it has been a relentless experience of terrible disfunction for the six months I have been engaged with them and the stress is such that I've come to a complete stop and have no mental energy or forward momentum to keep dealing with them. But cancelling the course would have many bad ramifications for me (I tried to go back to work last year and couldn't, and nearly didn't make it out of that episode alive).

I've gone through everything in my life to see what areas I could disengage from to release pressure off myself and the only area in the University study - but my psychologist agrees with me that that would not be a good course for me. Of course as my life has shown in the past, sometimes with mental illness, and the disfunction of others, events can overtake themselves and things will be taken off you whether you like it or not.

So my strategy right now is to back off, to any extent I can from everything, just get through life's necessities with the least possible effort.

Sorry for the long post, but that's all only the tip of the ice-berg.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm really sorry things are spiralling downhill so fast for you, it's terrible that bad things all seem to happen at the same time. I honestly have no advice except; have some faith, you're stronger than this, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. You have a support base here, with people who understand and care, please make use of it, don't attempt to wonder this road alone. It's great that you've reached out to your doc's, it's important to seek assistance, especially at such crucial times.

PS. You could type a novel, and we'd still be interested, thanks for taking the time to reach out, and opening the door for some help and support.

[sugahorse1]

Hi Wendy - just to let you know I'm thinking of you.
Does your pdoc feel he has done everything medically to help you feel better; or are there other medications you could try?
When I could not get out of a depressive phase, my pdoc was at her wits' end and as a last resort was going to suggest ECT. Luckily I think I've escaped the worst of the episode.

[WendyAussie]

Thanks guys. sugarhorse, I'm on the best meds mix I've ever been on and I have both a caring and loving psychiatrist and psychologist (I always acknowledge that as it's been the opposite in the past and I nearly died as a result). I am a fully compliant patient, do therapy with two psychologists who are both great and I also am an 11 years sober member of AA and I continue to work on that.

There's nothing therapeutically that they can offer me right now, except to continue in the ecellent way they are doing. It's just the unfortunate confluence of a lot of really difficult life events at one time, my illnesses themselves and of course being profoundly isolated due to my mental illnesses. Psych patients with supportive social support networks have much better life outcomes than those who don't.

[sugahorse1]

Wendy - I just hope things can look up for you and quickly. There's really not much more I can add. Except that I'm here for you if you want to vent.
A supportive social network definitely helps, and if it hadn't been for one or 2 of my close friends to pull me out of the depths of depression, I do not know what I would have done.
Just know that with regards to your mental illness, it is just a matter of time for the cycle to change. Ride this one out for now. You cannot begin to tackle the other issues in your life until you are stable and can make rational decisions.

Maybe put your university plans on hold until you are more stable. You need to look after yourself now; first and foremost. And you are getting into a nasty spiral of anxiety vs no sleep, which needs to be addressed asap. Can your pdoc give you some stronger meds for the time being? At least sleeping tabs?
Please don't let this lack of sleep get out of hand.
I lead a pretty lonely life too, revolving around only really my boyfriend and work. The only people we really socialise with are his friends, who I don't have much time for. So during work hours I try and get my piece of love and acceptance from this forum.

HUGS

[WendyAussie]

The meds shift isn't possible. I am on HUGE night meds mix and even that doesn't always work. I was a blackout drinker from 14 to 32 and my psychiatrist has explained to me that like people who abused prescription or street drugs (which I didn't), my alcoholic drinking has changed my brain and thus I have a very high tolerance for different types of drugs eg. Benzos, of which Valium is One. I use a lot less Valium than the psyhologist and psychiatrist would prefer me to have, but I am terrified of getting addicted (no sign of that and I've had it my meds mix for a few years), and I don't wat to reduce its efficacy - I need that PRN buffer for times like this.

I'm going to explore whether I can defer the Uni course and still be able to handle the complex financial things involved.

[sugahorse1]

Wendy - last semester I had to defer my Uni course, and now I am due to write on Driday and still not ready. I know what you feel. All I can offer you right now is support.
Please try get some sleep. Try let go of all your financial stresses for now, until you are healthy enough to handle these decisions

[grizmom]

I also have a history of sleep problems, so I completely understand what you're going through in regards to that. I am lucky right now as my night meds have been working fairly well, but like you, I also have more trouble sleeping when my anxiety rises.

I am glad that you have such a supportive treatment team. As for social support, are there any mental health related support groups in the area that you could attend in addition to the AA?

I hope that you are able to find a way to resolve some of these issues, and in the meantime we are always here to listen. As stated above, you can write as long of a post as you need to. If they had a problem with long posts, I'd have been kicked out long ago LOL...

[leah0306]

so sorry it is that way for you, i imagine you feel overwhelmed now..just wanted to send you hugs, take care

[WendyAussie]

Thanks everyone, grizmom, there are mental health groups here. They are sessional type things though, with particular mental illness related subjects. Some of them are really poorly run so I have steered away from them to the ones where the people running them are caring and professional. They come up every month or so and I go to those.

I am (hopefully) moving to a larger town this year and they have GROW, which is a 12 Step based mental health group. I will definitely give that a go, as it I'm a longtime sober AA member so the 12 Step approach works for me, and I get a sense that they go more social/fun sort of stuff too, which I would be keen to participate in - not just relentless courses and session about the seriousness of mental illness. Who knows I might learn 10 pin bowling!! lol

[sugahorse1]

HI Wendy - just checking in. Hope you feel better xx

[WendyAussie]

THX sugarhorse. I'm hanging in here - still exhaused and fragile. I contacted the Government Department that administers the student loans to find out whether, if I defer, can I then jump back in next year and continue the course with no additional payments (the course is $3000 AUD just for this year along part time) and I can do that so it was good to know.

I then emailed the director of my Uni course and asked can I defer if it gets down to it, and I also explained how their lack of provision of the pathways to do the subject has really impacted on my mental health and that it is only next week that this HUGE subject is now due, and that I may need to defer for the sake of my mental health, but that I don't want to - I have already completed the whole of the other subject and have passed. He emailed me back to say don't bail, don't defer, he'll get onto the guy that can provide me with the necessary pathways (I've been trying to get this for months). I was heartened to read his response but I'll believe it when I see it because all the various people at the Uni I've dealt with never follow-up. But it's empoweting to know about the issues surrounbding the student debt and the option to defer (I also have social security issues - the Government has given me a heap of money on the basis of me studying and if I defer I'll have to pay it all back. But I'll cross that bridge when it comes to it.)

[sugahorse1]

ahhh Wendy - let's see the positive in things; and hold thimbs that they get followed through! Yay for you so far