down and don't know what to do

I mentioned in a previous post that my mood has been on the low end of things lately. Well now I'll admit it. I'm depressed. Sorta.

I'm just extremely apathetic about everything. I don't want to study, I don't want to clean, I don't want to socialize, I don't want to cook, I don't want to do anything. I just want to not exist, but the closest I can get is sleeping all day.

I'm not acutely suicidal, but I'll admit to wondering whether any of my medications would be enough to kill me should I overdose (hence the trigger icon). Lucky me(?), I don't think the would, but I'm tempted to find out.

No, I won't do it... but I want to.

I'm more of an apathetic blob than a sobbing wreck. I feel darkness more than worthlessness and the GUILT is what frustrates me most. Guilt because I have time available to accomplish things, but I'm managing to make garden slugs look like busybodies in comparison to me. I have literally done NOTHING (not showering or anything) all day for the past three days, and I don't care. I do, but I don't. I'm tired of hating myself for being a bum, but I'm too "heavy" to do anything about it. I feel trapped by this stupid, crippling depression.

What really sucks about this is that I just returned to grad school after taking a 6-month leave of absence for mental health reasons. I have fought long and hard to get back to where I am, and now I can't force myself to care that I'm about to ruin everything by being lazy.

Why don't I have any willpower? How can I have lived with depression for the past 16+ years and still not developed any coping mechanisms that get me through the day?

I want to talk to my psychologist, but my appointment isn't until Wednesday, and I hate to come off as needy by contacting him between sessions. The last thing I want to do is be an annoying burden.

Part of me wants to be hospitalized again, but most of me knows that I'm not that bad, and that hospitalization would ruin my education and therefore my career. It's the wrong choice, but I want to throw up my hands and quit. Quit life. Hell, I've already basically quit, but I'm still here, occupying space, consuming resources, and accomplishing nothing.

*sigh* I don't know what to do. I can't go on like this. It's going to ruin me for good. I need help, but I don't think the kind of help I need exists. I feel like I can't be helped.

Sorry about the grumpy vent. I just didn't know where else to turn that I might find a compassionate listening ear.

You're not an annoying burden. You seem more than sorta depressed, though.

Sometimes it helps to know others are living through depression too. Would it help you to know that there is at least one other person living through the fog of depression with you? We can be depression buddies .

Reaching out and getting help now will make getting through this marking period easier. In the worst of my depressions I had to almost physically pick myself up and make myself do things so I wouldn't have regrets later. At least that was moderately effective.

Others here write much more eloquent messages than me. But I care.

Hi Medicated, I've had those feelings of trying to walk through quicksand before and I hate it. Maybe it would be a good idea to take to your psychologist before Wed. My therapist accepts emails and always gets back to me asap. Is that a possibility? I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Maybe you can try to make a daily list of about 3 to 5 things you want to accomplish and then check them off at the end of the day. That was a trick my therapist taught me to do. She said to make them easily attainable at first and keep making them more challenging. I hope some of this may be of use, if not maybe some of the other posters will have better ideas or insight. Good luck and I hope you do well at grad school. shaggy

You sound depressed. Are you on any meds? I remember going to grad schoool when I was suffering from bad depression and it was hard. Everything was hard and grad school is hard enough without having depression on top of everything else.

I don't think you are missing willpower or that you are lazy. You are ill. I hope that deep down you know that as well. Are you attending grad school in the summer or do you start again in September? Maybe you do need to go into the hospital again to find the medication for you because clearly whatever you are taking isn't working.

I don't know what else to say. I really hope you can feel better again soon.

Dear Medicated...you have it hard today huh? I can relate to the guilt feeling...of needing to accomplish much but unable to do so...and feeling bad later and admonishing oneself for being lazy. I told this to my doctor once and she told me to 'BE GOOD TO MYSELF'...I took it to heart. An elderly mentor also told me 'NO MUST'S...NO SHOULD'S'...what matters is 'TO HEAL...'
I got ill while in graduate school too. I decided to give it up realizing that I don't actually need it. Less stress for me as it would mean lesser shoulds and lesser musts.
My point is: Are there aspects in your life which you feel are MUSTS and SHOULDS -causing unnecessary stress - and yet which you can live without? Take care...bmx35

Hi Medicated - I really can relate. I am trying to hold down a job, and often go thro days like you describe. I actually have a lot to do, but come the end, I've nothing. I've just been on the internet (mostly PC) or chatting to mates via e-mail. I withdraw and sit in my corner, hoping to avoid anyone seeing me.
I have a To-Do list, and use my calendar on my computer quite extensively - I let reminders pop up ever 1/2 hour or so, to tell me what needs to be done. I then need to prioritise which are NEED to do NOW, vs NEED to do SOMETIME. When I have the energy and motivation, I try work through this TO DO list as much as possible.
I am also battling to find the correct medication. I feel my anti-depresssants aren't working and my mood stabilisers are only helping to prolong my cycles, not make them any less intense. Friday I was so depressed that ODing became an option. But I felt guilty, which I guess is good. I wanted to go to hospital, but I felt guilty about that too. I have now addressed a few issues I felt are impacting negatively on my life, and need to put myself as number 1 again
You need to put yourself first. My biggest issue is having no time to myself at any stage of the day - I need to get to know what makes me tick and focus on that. Don't bend on any boundaries you have set to make you happy.

Thanks for the replies.

I am taking meds... quite a few of them, including two mood stabilizers and two antidepressants.

As per leaving school, it's really not an option for me. I have two years and over $100,000 invested in this degree, and I'm determined to finish somehow. What's hard is that I'm in a legal battle with my faculty at the moment, and I can't show any weakness. I can't ask for extra time on my assignments because they'll use it to prove that I'm not competent to finish the program. (They've already tried to expel me once.) All I need is a little slack, but I can't ask for it. Perfection is a hard facade to maintain when you're down.

I have an assignment due tomorrow which I haven't started yet. The world should be glad I showered today...

I still haven't contacted my therapist. It's a holiday. I'd rather let the guy enjoy his life, you know?

I do feel a little better today, which makes me wonder if this isn't just PMDD again. Amazing that I can still get depressed while taking two antidepressants, isn't it?

*sigh*

No guilt or willpower needed. It is an illness and you can't will yourself out of it.

You sound very down. Please call your psychologist tomorrow. If you feel as if you need the hospital, you may very well need it. Can you discuss this with her tomorrow and see what she says?

I hope you come out of the fog soon.

Lack of motivation is a sign of a deficiency of dopamine. Most antidepressants target serotonin. If your not taking one of those, you could talk your pdoc about possibly trying a dopamine booster.

Those do carry risks for mania, just like serotonin boosters do.

Hey there, how are you feeling today?

I tend to agree with BNLsMOM - we often cannot just change our attitude and will ourselves out of this slump. I find we can however change our environment, which can have a positive affect on our moods and BP. If you cannot focus, get up and go for a walk, have coffee with a friend, watch funny movies on You tube... anything, but do not let yourself become absorbed by your thoughts.
When you are down, you tend to become introspective, then start feeling sorry for yourself and land up in a horrible spiral. Do not let your thoughts start going down this road. Keep yourself occupied in other ways.
Maybe try take part in sport - which also releases serotonin

Dave255 - I'm taking Abilify which acts on dopamine. I'm also taking Lexapro, which is an SSRI, and Wellbutrin which is an SNRI. I think I have my bases pretty well covered!

sugarhorse - I'm feeling a bit better today, and I've come up with a few possible reasons for the recent slump:

1. I missed my abilify for about three days last week (d/c'd it on my own, got yelled at by pdoc, and started taking it again)
2. I might have been PMS/PMDDing
3. A week of doing night shifts for school/work screwed with my head
4. It just happened.
5. All of the above
6. None of the above
7. Who knows?

I'm not 100% back... not even close... but I'm no longer pondering ways in which I might kill myself, so that's definitely an improvement. Now I'm just unmotivated, but I think I'll come out of that soon.

My psychiatrist also increased my wellbutrin when I saw him on Friday, so maybe that's kicking in. We'll see.

Thanks for your concern.