[PufNStuf]

Hi everyone =P

So I was hypo-manic for the past 4 days and really enjoyed it =p I was able to do the hostessing I wanted to be able to do for our guests this weekend (instead of hiding in my room and sleeping).

BF and I had a great weekend. Yesterday he had to book a ticket out of town for a few days and I dropped him off at the airport this afternoon. We had just a great day...maybe because he knew I was sad he was leaving. He really went out of his way to make me feel loved today. I hate that I forget how great/happy we are when we're both doing well with the BPD.

Usually I can't stand anyone so much...I mean, we spend almost all of our time together (9 months). There's no 40+ hours away from each other...I think we do pretty well...bickering really only when one of us forgets our meds. (BF hasn't had an "equal" in a relationship before....I am much amused to observe him getting used to it, although there is a significant age difference.) We don't have to force time away or with each other...we just let it sync when it does and try to let it roll when it doesn't.

Anyway, so I'm sad and sitting on the couch in the dark...I haven't slept very much in the last few days...and now I've got a pounding headache. I feel like....a deflated balloon. Have an ED flare up tonight...just hating myself. I'll post in that forum about that, but I hate going from feeling amazing to roadkill.

It's so lonely out here...I know the good thing to do would be to just go to bed, but I'm waiting up for his confirmation call at midnight when his flight lands.

I have the doggies here, but the house is so empty. When I was married, my ex and I were apart so much it was foreign to spend time together (work schedules)...this is so strange to really miss someone.

I'm trying to focus on my friend J coming over tomorrow night to have dinner and see some new stuff I did around the house. She's really my only friend here, but we've only gotten together a few times. Don't get me wrong....I love it...but sometimes it's lonely. But it really makes me enjoy socializing when I feel like it.

Ugh. I'm paranoid sitting here...maybe PufNStuf should stop PufNStuf. I should call a friend, but I know I won't =p Thanks for "listening". :::laughs::: Oy vey.

[Trippin2.0]

There's so many comforting things I want to say to you right now, because I understand how you're feeling. Please forgive me, for some reason I'm having difficulty constructing useful.brilliant sentences right now so in the mean time, I'm sending you lots of hugzz comfort and understanding
Will try to post something intelligable soon

[sugahorse1]

All I can recommend is going to sleep, and letting the anxiety subside. If you have been prescribed sleeping tabs or Benzo's, use them.
I can totally relate to what you feel, as I've been with my Bf for nearly 5 years, and we've lived together most of that time. We are only really apart during working hours, and if we ever are apart for a night, I can really lose it. It can be lonely, but know that you are not alone. (I think these 2 things can be differenciated).
Know that your boyfriend loves you and will call as soon as he lands. Your friend obviously cares for you, and dogs...well.... they offer unconditional love. Hug and hold them.
I hope that call comes sooner rather than later

Hugs and strength to you.

[PufNStuf]

Trippin and Sugahorse,

Thanks a bunch =) Really. I ended up taking something to sleep and letting the dogs sleep with me (lol). I really feel awful physically - I may call my family doc today. I just feel awful.

The hardest time for me is always night-time. Do you guys have a time that can generally be harder for you?

Thanks to both of you guys...I was worried I came off sounding co-dependant and strange...I was always alone growing up (not wealthy, but live-in nanny and I'm an only child). Parents were always away. I'm surprised I've let myself get so attached to someone =P

*Muah* xoxo

[Trippin2.0]

BELIEVE ME, YOU DO NOT SOUND STRANGE!!!
Now that you mention it,weekends are really bad for me...
If "bf" doesn't show up...I think it's become a major trigger and I absolutely HATE admitting it... I feel so dependent and it's horrible, because I think of myself as independent (obvious self-loath issue topic that 1)...anyway, let me attempt to stick to the topic:

If I'm alone over the weekend, I end up feeling inexplicably sad, abandoned and pathetic. I have like 1 friend beside my "bf", and she has a bf...which means I dnt see her weekends...

PS used "bf" as he's more my fwb LOL conventional relationships are too draining for me, so at age 25, I've given up on "happily ever after" LOL I admit, it gets lonely sometimes, but atleast that's 1 area where there is no self-pity or self-loathing. I know ME pretty well, and ME can't do WE... Does that make sense?

Anyway, my silly rambling is irritating me, so my apologies ( 1 of those days)

I relate, and I have specific times too... Tx for asking that Q, I'm glad I could finally be honest about it,I think I was ignoring my "pattern" for obvious reasons

XOXO

[sugahorse1]

one tends to hang on to anything that offers a form of security and love. Have a glass of wine (or a bottle) and getting to sleep is easier

[greylove]

I shadow my husband, or did all the time before my diagnosis. I couldn't be alone for five minutes. When we ran errands, I couldn't go in the store, but started feeling blind panic if he was anything more than ten minutes. I couldn't be alone. I would start counting the slats in shutters, the shingles on a building, to keep my sanity. Now that I have a diagnosis and am on Lamictal, I'm much better, but still watch the clock to see when he is coming home from work. I can be on my own and fare ok without him, but still feel relieved when he is around someplace. I'm not sure that this is an exact response to what you're asking, but it did trigger these thoughts and I know I'm getting stronger every day. All the best......greylove

[sugahorse1]

I can totally relate to greylove's response. I just cannot say it's got much better with the diagnosis. I have grown up a little, and our relationship has grown. We have an understanding that he will ALWAYS answer my calls, and if he cannot, I know he's with a client and will call back ASAP. It gives me a sense of peace

[Trippin2.0]

The lyrics of "Doth I protest too much" by Alanis Morissette speaks volumes to me... It's not a "happy song" but it makes me feel good cos it's as if she understands me...LOL

I'm not threatened, by every pair of legs you watch go by
I don't cringe when you stare at women, it's just a thing called guy
I don't notice your side ways glances or where your loyalty lies
I'm secure and out of me, it's hard to get a rise

I'm not jealous
I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational stays in touch
Doth I protest too much?

I'm not tortured by how oft your busy, Cause I've got things to do
I'm not disappointed about how you don't miss you me, cause I don't need you to

I'm not needy
I don't get clingy much
I'm not scared
I'm not afraid as such
I'm not dependent
Rock solid, stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

So much energy to prove to you
Who I can't possibly be
So much energy to prove to you
I'm not who you hate for me to be

I'm not saddened
And I don't miss you
Cause I have moved on too
I'm not concerned about your new lover
Cause I have a new lover too

I'm not depressed
I don't get down that much
I'm not despondent
I am not dark as such
I'm never sad
Keep Chin Up, Stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

I'm not jealous
I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?