[michelle75]

hi,

i am new to this so please be patient. i was diagnosed in Dec 2009 as bipolar. Since then my husband has told me on several occasions to LEAVE. we have been together for almost 12 years and I love him soooooooo much. We also have alittle boy together. since January i have been on 2 different meds and now on my 3rd. ( i keep having reactions). I just wanted to know how other couples get through this and how...my husband says he can't trust me anymore because of my over spending and lying.......how do i make him understand. i really don't want to lose him or my son.....HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

[grizmom]

Have you asked him if he would be willing to see a therapist with you? (Preferably one that has experience in dealing with people who have bipolar).

I've posted the following before, but maybe it will help you...

Ten things friends and family members NEED to know about those of us with bipolar disorder. (believe this is written by Julie Fast)

10. If you blame us or put us down or get impatient or angry with us for bipolar disorder behavior it simply makes us sicker! Impatience never got us out of bed or made us less depressed. Anger never made us stop spending when we are manic. Kind and realistic rules and limits do help. Telling us that you will not and cannot live with us if we don't treat bipolar disorder first does help. But helping us help ourselves is the best gift you can give us. If you know what behavior is a symptom of the illness, you can then treat the illness to help the behavior instead of getting so upset with us all of the time. (We are upset enough with ourselves, believe me!)

9. Understand that we cannot always help you do things when we are sick. You may need help around the house, with the kids, the bills, the laundry, etc. Deep down we know that, but sometimes we are just too sick to do anything. Help us get well and then we can help you around the house more. Help us get well and we will be a good friend, partner, daughter, son, grandson, granddaughter and parent. If you expect us to be able to do normal things when we are sick, then you will only get more upset with us. If you expect us to treat bipolar disorder first- that is reasonable and something we can work on together! Then we can do the laundry and the dishes with pleasure. We can have fun in life.

8. Depression is very motivated. I don't know if there is a more successful illness in the world. It is a champ, a winner! It sets goals and follows through with its goals. "I want Julie to be really sick and down on herself today. I want her to stay in bed, eat junk and cry buckets of tears." And it sure does do a good job! Depression is serious and motivated and strong. Without the right tools it is impossible for us to fight it. WE ARE NOT LAZY! WE ARE NOT SLACKERS! WE ARE NOT DUMB, WEAK OR FAILURES! We are sick. Learn our individual signs of depression and help us fight it. If depression is motivated and successful, then we all have to get motivated and successful. If you see us sitting on the couch doing nothing day after day- don't get on our case for being on the couch. Get some tools to help us get off the darn couch! Get motivated, serious and strong, just like depression. Then teach us how to do this. Help us find the right mix of medications, alternative treatments and lifestyle changes that make depression the failure instead of making us look like failures. We need your help to fight this illness. We need your love to beat depression.

7. What you do in YOUR life makes a huge difference in how we experience our bipolar disorder symptoms in OUR lives. This is not fair on you, but it is a reality. It should be that you can do what you want and we can lead our own lives and let you be you - but people with bipolar disorder cannot simply separate themselves from the things you do. If you are stressed and unhappy and unhealthy, you have to know that it can affect us greatly.

6. Bipolar disorder is a disability. It is not really recognized in that way right now, but it will be more so in the future- many of us are dis-abled from leading the life we want and you want us to lead. We simply can't function like other people can function. We can't snap out of it, therapy our way out of it or just get on with it- whatever the "it" is you want us to do. WE HAVE TO LEARN WHAT WE CAN DO AND WE NEED YOUR HELP! Please know that stress makes us sick- good stress, bad stress, stress that is none of our business- all stress makes us sick. Can you look at us differently? Can you see us as people who have an illness that often makes us unable to be "normal"? Can you hug us, love us and help us even when we make you scared, angry and embarrassed? Please help us turn a disability into an opportunity.

5. This illness is not about you. We are not trying to punish you or ruin your life. We do not want to treat you badly. It is a side effect of bipolar disorder when we change our moods. This does not make it ok- and it does not mean that it will not cause huge problems for you, but it is not about YOU at all.

4. If we are manic, spending money seems like a good idea. It is part of the illness. It is a proven symptom of mania. We need your help in creating checks and balances so that we can prevent manic spending sprees. If you are blind to what we are spending when we are well and then suddenly notice the $5000 we spend during a manic episode and then get angry, it is not fair. Please be consistent and help us monitor our money at all times so no one is caught unaware again.

3. Medication side effects really, really suck. They often make us fat, tired, sick, scared, suicidal, seemingly stupid and angry. We need help in adjusting our meds and telling the doctors what we need. It is not ok to have these side effects and when we are in the middle of them and a doctor is telling us just to "wait and see how things go," we feel helpless and want to give up. Help us find different medications and comprehensive treatments that do not have so many side effects. Advocate for us if we are intimidated by our doctors.

2. Some of us with bipolar disorder cannot work like "normal" people. We cannot go to the office or keep a 9-5 job. It simply makes us too sick to function. Many of us have had a different job every year because we want so badly to fit in and be like everyone else. The reality is that we may need to find alternative ways to support ourselves and we truly need your help. Please understand that we WANT to be productive- we just have to find a different way of being productive. Going to an office really is not everything. If we need disability, help us get disability and understand that it is so very humiliating for intelligent people like us to have to get help from the government because we can't work. Never, ever make us feel guilty because we can't work! Help us find work that is non stressful, fun and helps us be independent. And if you are supporting us because we can't work- thank you so very, very much.

1. People with bipolar disorder are intelligent, funny, creative, free thinkers, different, loving and kind - WHEN THEY ARE WELL. People with bipolar disorder are demanding, sad, annoying, scary, self centered, all over the place, uncaring, dangerous, and crazy - WHEN THEY ARE SICK. In order to help us be all of the good things, bipolar disorder must be treated first. This is the ONLY way for us to have a good relationship. Because bipolar disorder does not want any of us to be happy. Friends and family are so important in the lives of people with bipolar disorder. We do not need you to take care of us- not at all- we need you to help us take care of ourselves: Take care of yourself first, get the right tools and then show us that you are willing to join us in our goal for a stable life. Always take care of yourself, but NEVER GIVE UP ON US!

[NuckingFutz]

I loved reading this! Do you mind if I send a copy to my sis?

[sugahorse1]

I too sent the above to my boyfriend.
It makes it a lot easier than talking face to face, and the fact that it's written by someone else will make it seem a lot less personal, and sometimes much easier to digest. Please try and encourage him to go to T with you. Alternatively, ask T for advise on handling your situation.

Regarding your overspending - can you not give him all your credit cards? Take away any form of responsibility from your yourself. And once you are on the correct combo of meds, your mania will reduce significantly and this will no longer be an issue.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I cannot imagine having to deal with being dx'd and having my husband threatening me. We are here to help and support you...

[Eloise42]

Everyone has issues and I for one feel grateful that I at least know what mine are and how to take responsibility for them. This is what I tell people to mitigate the shock and drama that come along with the word "bipolar".

It would help to know what exactly is freaking him out. In any relationship I have that is close enough to warrant them knowing I'm bipolar I try to make it as easy for other people as possible. I say "I have this thing, this is how I stay on top of it and here are some things you might see, here are some things you probably won't". I encourage people to ask questions and when I'm in a relationship I give them the option of participating if they are interested.

When I was in a serious relationship I actually gave my partner a blank copy of my mood chart and the option of doing her own record keeping. I mostly make it clear that I can take care of it on my own but there are some specific ways they can help if they want to.

There is a big difference between your relationship with your partner and your relationship with your own child. Those are separate relationships. I think that usually a good parent is their own harshest critic and the best judge of what their child really needs from them. Please don't let someone else take that away from you or your kid. Having a mood disorder does not automatically make you a danger to children. I'm awesome with kids, other adults...not as much.

[sugahorse1]

The sad thing is that unfortunately Bipolar does open our eyes and hearts to realising who really cares for us and will stick it out through thick and thin, and who won't. But I totally agree with your up front approach, letting them learn as much as possible with you and informing them of your moods and requirements.
I too have lost countless friends - but then again: were they really genuine friends?

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

I loved reading this! Do you mind if I send a copy to my sis?

You can send copies to people; I think it was written by Julie Fast. She has written several books about dealing with bipolar (I haven't read any of them) and someone in another group I was in before I found PC posted that. I have heard that her books are very good if anyone wants to look into any of them

[sugahorse1]

I'm on her mailing list - she sends very interesting articles on how to practically live with BP on a weekly or so basis. They've been very useful and really hit home with me

[kadesgirl09]

(((michelle))) I agree about getting him involved in your treatment plan. From going with you to your t to going with you to your pdoc. Let him know that you are working on getting stable and that once your meds are correct your symptoms wont be as pronounced. It's not hopeless just because you are bipolar. My husband has issues with me lying and spending in the past as well. So I turn over all money I bring in to him and he lets me spend x amount each month on whatever my heart desires. So i really have to think about it before I spend it because once its gone Im broke the rest of the month. Give him as much literature as possible on bipolar and hopefully he will read it. I hope things work out for you guys!!

[NuckingFutz]

As you can see, there are so many ways to work through this together. I just fear the stigma of the illness and his fear are talking. Sometimes the fear itself can render someone unwilling to even learn what BP really is. Can you talk to him about just learning about the symptoms? You got some really good advice above but wanted to adress your feelings about this. No doubt his actions are making the bipolar worse. I would feel mad frustrated and scared in the very least. Mad because of those marriage vows...the ones that say for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. Yeah, those are the ones that keep a marriage in place. Gives the couple the confidence to know they will have someone by their side. So, no matter the outcome, we are here for you as you work through this.

[Mike_J]

Have you looked into any local suport groups? I go the the local DBSA meetings and they have one meeting a week that is meant for people to bring a family member or friend along so that they can get a better idea of what we are dealing with, and get a chance to meet people who are going through the same things they are.

[sugahorse1]

I try and keep my boyfriend informed of my moods, so he can understand why I'm responding the way I am. No, it does not give me an excuse to totally let myself go, but goes that much further in keeping the relationship intact

[Dan M.]

Wow thanks for posting that I am new to this board and haven't been diagnosed yet. My wife does her best but she comes from a culture that doesn't believe much in this former Soviet Union. Europe, in general, they don't talk openly about this stuff. Sometimes I just feel a rage coming on try to hide on computer but my wife doesn't see it and engages me and I just get mean and nasty, and animated, never violent.

[desperate dina]

Originally Posted by grizmom

Have you asked him if he would be willing to see a therapist with you? (Preferably one that has experience in dealing with people who have bipolar).

I've posted the following before, but maybe it will help you...

Ten things friends and family members NEED to know about those of us with bipolar disorder. (believe this is written by Julie Fast)

10. If you blame us or put us down or get impatient or angry with us for bipolar disorder behavior it simply makes us sicker! Impatience never got us out of bed or made us less depressed. Anger never made us stop spending when we are manic. Kind and realistic rules and limits do help. Telling us that you will not and cannot live with us if we don't treat bipolar disorder first does help. But helping us help ourselves is the best gift you can give us. If you know what behavior is a symptom of the illness, you can then treat the illness to help the behavior instead of getting so upset with us all of the time. (We are upset enough with ourselves, believe me!)

9. Understand that we cannot always help you do things when we are sick. You may need help around the house, with the kids, the bills, the laundry, etc. Deep down we know that, but sometimes we are just too sick to do anything. Help us get well and then we can help you around the house more. Help us get well and we will be a good friend, partner, daughter, son, grandson, granddaughter and parent. If you expect us to be able to do normal things when we are sick, then you will only get more upset with us. If you expect us to treat bipolar disorder first- that is reasonable and something we can work on together! Then we can do the laundry and the dishes with pleasure. We can have fun in life.

8. Depression is very motivated. I don't know if there is a more successful illness in the world. It is a champ, a winner! It sets goals and follows through with its goals. "I want Julie to be really sick and down on herself today. I want her to stay in bed, eat junk and cry buckets of tears." And it sure does do a good job! Depression is serious and motivated and strong. Without the right tools it is impossible for us to fight it. WE ARE NOT LAZY! WE ARE NOT SLACKERS! WE ARE NOT DUMB, WEAK OR FAILURES! We are sick. Learn our individual signs of depression and help us fight it. If depression is motivated and successful, then we all have to get motivated and successful. If you see us sitting on the couch doing nothing day after day- don't get on our case for being on the couch. Get some tools to help us get off the darn couch! Get motivated, serious and strong, just like depression. Then teach us how to do this. Help us find the right mix of medications, alternative treatments and lifestyle changes that make depression the failure instead of making us look like failures. We need your help to fight this illness. We need your love to beat depression.

7. What you do in YOUR life makes a huge difference in how we experience our bipolar disorder symptoms in OUR lives. This is not fair on you, but it is a reality. It should be that you can do what you want and we can lead our own lives and let you be you - but people with bipolar disorder cannot simply separate themselves from the things you do. If you are stressed and unhappy and unhealthy, you have to know that it can affect us greatly.

6. Bipolar disorder is a disability. It is not really recognized in that way right now, but it will be more so in the future- many of us are dis-abled from leading the life we want and you want us to lead. We simply can't function like other people can function. We can't snap out of it, therapy our way out of it or just get on with it- whatever the "it" is you want us to do. WE HAVE TO LEARN WHAT WE CAN DO AND WE NEED YOUR HELP! Please know that stress makes us sick- good stress, bad stress, stress that is none of our business- all stress makes us sick. Can you look at us differently? Can you see us as people who have an illness that often makes us unable to be "normal"? Can you hug us, love us and help us even when we make you scared, angry and embarrassed? Please help us turn a disability into an opportunity.

5. This illness is not about you. We are not trying to punish you or ruin your life. We do not want to treat you badly. It is a side effect of bipolar disorder when we change our moods. This does not make it ok- and it does not mean that it will not cause huge problems for you, but it is not about YOU at all.

4. If we are manic, spending money seems like a good idea. It is part of the illness. It is a proven symptom of mania. We need your help in creating checks and balances so that we can prevent manic spending sprees. If you are blind to what we are spending when we are well and then suddenly notice the $5000 we spend during a manic episode and then get angry, it is not fair. Please be consistent and help us monitor our money at all times so no one is caught unaware again.

3. Medication side effects really, really suck. They often make us fat, tired, sick, scared, suicidal, seemingly stupid and angry. We need help in adjusting our meds and telling the doctors what we need. It is not ok to have these side effects and when we are in the middle of them and a doctor is telling us just to "wait and see how things go," we feel helpless and want to give up. Help us find different medications and comprehensive treatments that do not have so many side effects. Advocate for us if we are intimidated by our doctors.

2. Some of us with bipolar disorder cannot work like "normal" people. We cannot go to the office or keep a 9-5 job. It simply makes us too sick to function. Many of us have had a different job every year because we want so badly to fit in and be like everyone else. The reality is that we may need to find alternative ways to support ourselves and we truly need your help. Please understand that we WANT to be productive- we just have to find a different way of being productive. Going to an office really is not everything. If we need disability, help us get disability and understand that it is so very humiliating for intelligent people like us to have to get help from the government because we can't work. Never, ever make us feel guilty because we can't work! Help us find work that is non stressful, fun and helps us be independent. And if you are supporting us because we can't work- thank you so very, very much.

1. People with bipolar disorder are intelligent, funny, creative, free thinkers, different, loving and kind - WHEN THEY ARE WELL. People with bipolar disorder are demanding, sad, annoying, scary, self centered, all over the place, uncaring, dangerous, and crazy - WHEN THEY ARE SICK. In order to help us be all of the good things, bipolar disorder must be treated first. This is the ONLY way for us to have a good relationship. Because bipolar disorder does not want any of us to be happy. Friends and family are so important in the lives of people with bipolar disorder. We do not need you to take care of us- not at all- we need you to help us take care of ourselves: Take care of yourself first, get the right tools and then show us that you are willing to join us in our goal for a stable life. Always take care of yourself, but NEVER GIVE UP ON US!

My daughter has recently been diagnosed with bipolar. It answers a lot of questions. Now she is getting help. I do the best I can. I don't say 'pull yourself together' and I try tobe there for here but how can I juggle what she wants (demands) and my need for peace and just being able to do my job. I know the illness isn't about 'me' but it seems that way somethimes. I feel as if I am being eaten alive. Perhaps I'm just a very selfish person.

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by desperate dina

My daughter has recently been diagnosed with bipolar. It answers a lot of questions. Now she is getting help. I do the best I can. I don't say 'pull yourself together' and I try tobe there for here but how can I juggle what she wants (demands) and my need for peace and just being able to do my job. I know the illness isn't about 'me' but it seems that way somethimes. I feel as if I am being eaten alive. Perhaps I'm just a very selfish person.

It's great that you are there for her, but you aren't expected to give up your own life and your own needs for anyone. Maybe you can tell us what some of your frustrations are and we can give you some advice? Also, how old is your daughter?

[desperate dina]

Originally Posted by grizmom

It's great that you are there for her, but you aren't expected to give up your own life and your own needs for anyone. Maybe you can tell us what some of your frustrations are and we can give you some advice? Also, how old is your daughter?

Hi thanks for being kind. My daughter is 31 with 4 children to two fathers - no that;s not being judgemental - its a fact. And a stream of dreadful relationships where she veered from happy to so unhappy it breaks my heart to think of it. I have lent her thousands and also watched her squander a huge inheritance - set her up in 5 houses, provided furniture, bought essentials like cookers etc, bought things for the grandkids that are disposed of before the little ones have had a chance to enjoy them on the grounds that they made a mess/noise or just irritated her etc etc, watched her self medicate on alcohol, dragged her out of pubs, heard about her fights with other women - hair pulling - the lot, been insulted so much that even her friends are apalled and have tried to talk to her about it - but when she crashes - then i am expected to pick up the pieces - big time - leave work, cancel arrangements change my whole life from a to z. and I just can't stand it anymore - not because I hate her but because I am tired, nearly 60 years old with a full time very demanding very stressfull job and it has been going on for years - about 12 - 15. I lose whole weeks of my life - where I rush around trying to do what I can - but I know that it doesn't do any good -not in a permanent sense because in about 3 weeks, or even 2 it will all start again.

She now has an army of medical support - which is excellent, a community pyshiatric nurse (cpn) - social worker etc etc but then I hear from her cpn that 'I do nothing to help' - I arrive at 7 am every morning, I shout at her, I never have the children, I do nothing, I then go again after work, I shout at her again - tell her to clean up the house etc etc, chuck her friends out' - all lies - I feel so betrayed. All her stories have been disproved - not in a nasty way - just an open meeting of all her professionals where I was asked what I did to support her - I only got half way through the first sentence when she got up and walked into the kitchen. I don't care what the professionals thought - there opinion doesn't matter - only keeping her well for as long as possible does. It was what was going on in her head that worried me. 1. She couldn't stand me or 2. She realised that all her stores about me were being disproved. After a couple of sentences - her current partner the father of her two younger children - then joined in and agreed with everything I had said and even added on things I had not mentioned

Yes i know she is ill and yes I know some of things are symtoms of that illness but what concerns me is that she now seems to feel that because she has been diagnosed with Bipolar she feels that this explains it all and she can't be help responsible for anything she does.

Is that really what Bipolar is - whrere 1 person does things and the other people in their life have no choice - they just have to carry on picking up the pieces - that's what I mean about being eaten alive. Add to that the already 2 suicide attempts and I feel I have no choice but to dance to what ever tune is being played.
Yes i sound like a selfish ***** - am I.
I really am a desperate dina.