[Berries]

I feel like I am in a normal mood--not too high, not to low. I laugh and joke, I run errands, I work out some.
But I want to spend as much time as I can in my armchair, my safe place as much as possible, either watching tv or sleeping.
I have lost interest in healthy eating and staying slim.
My OCD forces me to rehash the past 25 years. But those years were filled with shock treatments, multiple hospitalizations, cutting, serious suicide attemps, dangerous behavior, psychotic symptoms...
Rehashing all of this causes me saddness and grief. I think about all the dreams I had as a child that were never fufilled and never will be. I think about how much I have not contributed to the world. I have no children, no brothers or sisters, no neices and nephews. No friends. When my mom dies I'll be all alone.
So What kind of mood am i in?

[kadesgirl09]

(((Berries))) so sorry your in a bad place! Not in the mood to give any good advise right now but I wanted you to know your not alone!

[Skully]

It is hard to know what kind of "mood" another person is in going by what they are experiencing. If you feel ok as you said in the beginning, then I wouldn't worry to much about it. But, you could be heading for a depression episode. Make sure you have someone you can talk to about they things you are thinking because if you let all that stuff build up you will slip into depression. And remember, we are always here for you. And I know how you feel about your mother, when she died I felt alone as well. Even though I have a brother and a father, I don't speak to them so it is hard but the days will pass and it will get easier. Don't think about what will happen when she is not around, just enjoy the time that she IS around.

[thinker22]

I agree. Like your mom, I worry about what will happen when my partner is gone. He is everything to me. But then I have to pause and tell myself that he still is here right now and I must not waste my time in a future without him when I can reach out and hold him any time I wish. Do we need to have a plan for the day when we are alone? Sure. But do we need to dwell on it? Of course not. Every day brings new grace and strength that we didn't think possible. I realize that in the future I will have to surround myself with friends and family, although I am not close to them now. So, getting in touch with people and occasionally talking to them is good. Keep the lines open. You'd be surprised at how people want to be there for other people, they're just caught up in their daily activities, but can and will reach out to those who wish to be a part of their life.

The past is full of hopes and disappointments. It doesn't have to be a roadmap for the future, though. Recovery is always possible, however small our gains seem to be.

You're not alone. We're all struggling through our illnesses together. Don't give up.