[StarryNight]

I already posted this on the main forum under "new member", but I realized it should probably be in the bipolar section:

Hello, all. I'm new to the site, but not to Bipolar. I was diagnosed 15 years ago, when I was 21, after my first diagnosis of clinical depression at 19. I used to cut myself, and tried to OD on meds once. During my week stay in the hospital, I went from suicidal to running around the ward, practically bouncing off the walls, and talking so fast no one could understand me. So, I was diagnosed as bipolar and put on lithium. That was 15 years ago.

Fast forward- I went without medication for 10 years, and achieved a relatively stable existence that fluctuated between dysthymia and high functioning. I convinced myself that the doctors were wrong, that I had an occasional bout of severe depression, but I couldn't be bipolar, because I didn't experience the euphorias anymore. I didn't take into account the mixed states, usually manifested as extreme irritability, and occasionally a panic attack in high-stress situations. I just told myself that I was a very sensitive person, and responsive to the fact that the world is a screwed-up place and generally depressing. I didn't want to accept the diagnosis of a life-long illness, and I bought into the stigma that only weak people couldn't control their emotions. I wanted to be "normal".

Then, for the past couple of years, I kept slipping into depressions, and thought about getting help, but didn't want to be on the meds again. At the same time, possibly precipitating the depression, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. It's easy to get depressed when you're in pain almost every day, and having to accept a crippling, life-long physical illness. I didn't want to add the bipolar to my reality.

Finally, last year I was in a deep depression, often crying uncontrollably. At one point I asked my husband to lock up my narcotic pain relievers, because I was repeatedly fantasizing about taking the whole bottle, just so it would all go away. That scared me, because I know logically that I have much to live for. So, I went to a psychiatrist and she put me on Abilify. The Abilify made me feel like a zombie, numbing all of my natural emotions, and it made me drool in my sleep. So after about 2 months, I just stopped taking it, and didn't go back to her.

Fast forward to last month. I was in a downward spiral again, not exactly racing thoughts, but more like a tape playing in my head on repeat: I have no reason to keep breathing, I'm useless, no one would care if I fell of the face of the Earth, they're all out to get me, no one likes me, anyway, etc. I was even obsessed with conspiracy books, and was convinced that Big Brother was watching my every move, and had probably bugged my house. I was irritable and crabby to everyone, and I generally hated the world. Finally, I had a breakdown one day and just couldn't stop crying. Someone at work told the administration that I needed help, and they called my sister, who convinced me to go to the doctor.

So, now I'm dealing with feelings about what my co-workers think of me, projecting thoughts on them such as I'm crazy, I'm unstable, and they don't want me there. Now that I'm on Seroquel XR, I'm in a generally good mood and feeling stable. Yet, once, again, I'm dealing with accepting the fact that I'm "mentally ill". So, here I am, looking for support from others who are walking the same road.

[grizmom]

Hello, and

Yes, there is a lot of stigma attached to mental illness, but try to keep reminding yourself that you suffer from an illness that is just as real as your rheumatoid arthritis. I'm glad you are seeking help, and although it can be a long and frustrating process to find the right med combo, it is worth it when you reach a point of stability (however, stability for bipolar sometimes means less frequent and less severe episodes, not a consistant happy medium). Everyone has been very kind and supportive to me here, and I'm glad you found us!!

[greylove]

StarryNight......I'm not just walking the same road, I'm running down it full gallop. I lost my job (parttime front desk at a health club), I lost my license (suspended due to my suicide attempt) and I've left behind all the "friends" that I made while working. I am so new to this (diagnosed a few months ago) that I'm trying to make sense of it all......even though it is what it is......messed up brain chemistry.

I am struggling so hard trying to accept that I am mentally ill. I feel tremendously defective, completely incompetent, and almost invisible now to myself and the few people who are in my life. I'm actually projecting that on to them, but it's my state of mind most of the time. I have a good therapist who is helping me get from week to week. And I have found this group......don't know how I could go on without it......without the support, the shared feelings, the place to spend much of my time when so much of the rest of me is gone.

I don't want to sound so gloomy.......I'm a work in progress......just slow progress......but yes, I can totally relate to how you're feeling. Just keep coming back like I am, and know, like I will, that we're both going to be ok. There's lots of caring and understanding here, and I've found that what I need to hear, almost more than anything, is yes, I know exactly how you feel.

Wishing you all the best,
greylove

[sugahorse1]

Hi and Welcome!
I'm very sure you'll be able to relate to a large number of people on here. I think we all just need to plough on with regards to the stigma. I've only told a few select people about my dx, because I feel the balance really don't need to know.
I wouldn't worry too much about my colleagues - I'm sure they'll have forgotten about what happened in a flash anyway, or just write it off as PMS. Most people have enough on their plate, that they don't really realise what's happening around them.
I'm glad you've seen the need to take meds, and that they appear to be helping you!

Hang in there, and let us know how you are doing.

[kadesgirl09]

(((starrynight))) hugs and well wishes to you! Glad your beginning to feel stable on the seroquel! Dont have much time but I just wanted you to know that your not alone!

[sunshine1status]

I really liked the title. "Denial is not a river in Egypt". Are you a church going person? I am and I still struggle with depression.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by sunshine1status

I am and I still struggle with depression.

I'm a self-proclaimed Jesus Freak

We've been friends since I was 3years old!!

I feel so guilty when my depression sets in, because 1: I either feel somewhat suicidal, or actually attempt, and 2: sometimes it's so bad I can't even bring myself to pray for comfort and healing

So I guess I just wanted to share that, so that you know, it's not uncommon for a spiritual person to still battle with the depro side of things...

HUGS to my PC family

[sunshine1status]

Hi Trippin! It's comforting to know that I am not the only one dealing with spiritual issues. Sometimes it is very tough to hang on to the spiritual side when you pray to be healed and believe with all of your heart that He is going to heal you and then it doesn't happen.

[Special-K]

Starrynight, I really enjoyed reading your post. I relate to it a lot. I was diagnoised about 10 years ago & I like greylove said am galloping down the same road as you. For me I've been really good at masking my illness, I'm a go getter, successful, I've been lucky with my career. But I had a baby a year ago. Suddenly something matters in life & I don't want to mess that up. My whole world has been turned upside down, she is making my life so busy & I'm so manic I feel like I'm not breathing sometimes.
I'm on lithium for the first time in my life. I've tried many mood stabilizers, lamictal, trileptal (something like that), the anxiety pills, kolonopin, xanax, depression med's wellbutrin, paxil, prozac....I tend to be medication resistant.
The lithium has helped me a lot. I hope you find your place with this illness, I know I'm still looking for my place too. Living with a mental illness is a lot to deal with & accept. Keep us posted.