[Numbersaremylife]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and most of the time things are amazing but there are days where he becomes someone I don't recognize.
He starts analyzing my past relationships from years ago and makes crazy accusations that I want to be with these people and he's just standing in the way. I now see these same thing happen everytime someone mentions the college that I attended. It's like the name itself triggers these thoughts which he has said, make him so upset he can't control himself.
We could be having an amazing day together and out of the blue someones name could get brought up by someone else and instantly he becomes silent and extremely cold and standoff -ish.
One minute he can be saying some extremely hurtfull things and a second later start crying and apologizing and telling me I deserve so much better.
His family has also noticed this has been happening much more frequently reciently and is trying to convince him to see a Doctor which he has refused multiple times stating that there is nothing wrong, even though we all know their is.
He has tried handling these issues himself and knows how badly his words can hurt me sometimes but continuly tells me he would do anything to be with me, he just can't control his thoughts that drive him to get upset.

Is this something that someone else can relate too? I have read books about bipolar disorder and almost everything listed in the books makes perfect sense. I just want to know if these actions are indeed bipolar disorder and not my boyfriend.

[kadesgirl09]

I am not a doctor and you will only get a correct diagnosis with a doctor.
BUT, the traits he has that you spoke of are very similar to my own. Sorry I cant help more. I hope your able to get him seen by a professional because it could be several different things. Probably a physical with a gp would be where to start. Good Luck!

[Numbersaremylife]

Thank you so much Kadesgirl09.
Can I ask what a gp is?

[Numbersaremylife]

Also, has medication helped you control these thoughts?

[Moreta]

Only a doctor can diagnose boyfriend. IMO, I wouldn't waste time with the GP, b/c they have inadequate training to diagnose/treat Bipolar Disorder. Plus, there's the fact that GP's will throw anti-depressants at you, not accounting for the mania that anti-depressants can induce. He should go to a psychiatrist first, and don't wait too long, b/c if left untreated, there could be a crisis, and you don't want to wait until then. Trust me.

[vjdragonfly]

I agree that your boyfriend needs a diagnosis from a psychiatrist. I'm sorry he is fighting with the idea of seeking out help. Maybe reassuring him that it is ok just to get checked out just to rule anything out would be good. Sorry I don't have any better advice. Good luck to you.

[FeelingHopeful]

Numbersaremy life , I Totally understand what you are going through, you read my mind!
Im doing the same thing! How are you ?

[Manipulated-Minds]

That screams bipolar to me. I act the same way. Have been that way for years and meds don't do much to help.

Bipolar can play out a bit differently for different people, though there is much common ground. That's the preface to say that I see myself somewhat in these behavioral descriptions, but some differences too. Probably the biggest one is the flipping out, then being overcome with remorse and self-loathing. Over-analyzing, yes. But with the difference that I very rarely verbalize it. Ok. Correction. I don't on the more paranoid things, but on decision-making, oh yes. Like... "well, if I do this, then this, but what if? yeah, but it *could*, and then what?!" version of overanalyzing (which drives my BF right up a wall ). On the paranoid stuff, I tend to keep that inside, because I know if I say it out loud, I'll be told I'm being ridiculous. But I don't think I am. (But yes, I probably am.) Circumstantial flip-switch? Yup. Oh. Right. And you asked about meds and if they can help control the thoughts. For me, yes. Not necessarily eliminate, but definitely help.

Kadesgirl makes a good point on the GP. While I agree that any psychiatric evaluation should be by a specialist (ie. not a GP), a GP is a good first step to rule out other causes for things that could cause bipolar-like symptoms, but aren't BP. The book Bipolar for Dummies (Chapter 4) gives a good overview of some of those.(And I recommend the book in general too -- highly readable and even with a dash of humor.)

Does he have depression? I ask because the things you mention seem to center on outburst type things. Assuming a GP doesn't find anything, a psychiatrist may have other thoughts on his behaviors. BP has specific criteria which he may or may not meet. There are also personality things that may be going on. Some of the stuff you mention sounds a bit possessive to me. Maybe I'm way off base here, just throwing it out there. Whatever it is that's going on, it's definitely a good idea to look into it through professionals, because the way things are currently really isn't working.

Good luck to you and in getting him to get it checked out. (the above insight has been helpful for me --seeing that the "current strategy really isn't working". Maybe he can acknowledge that. Wouldn't approach it in a moment of heat though.) Good luck!

[blueoctober]

Numbersaremylife There are many mental illnesses the share symptoms with bipolar, so I agree with everyone else that a Psychiatrist is the best route. If you want to stay in the relationship I would also suggest couples counseling.

I don't know if he has bipolar, but from what you wrote he sounds abusive. A person can be abusive and that doesn't mean they have a mental illness. I would also suggest individual counseling for yourself. I have been in an abusive relationship (I have BP, he didn't and he was the abuser) and it really wrecked my self esteem etc. I hope that helps.

[BlackPup]

Agree with the diagnosis thing... there is more to BP than a list of symptoms, and meds can and do help!
what you read here on this forum does show the difficulties of getting the *right* meds, but also understand that the people who post on this forum probably reflect the more serious end of the spectrum, eg treatment resistant etc.
In the end, it is his choice, you can encourage and support, but he has to want to fix whatever is wrong, be it BP or something else. He is the one who will have to live with the diagnosis, take yucky meds, live with side effects and/or go through difficult therapy...
Your choice is how to respond to his behaviour when it is inapropriate or unacceptable. I agree with blue october that you deserve to be treated with respect, regardless of whether his behaviour is due to BP, another illness or his personality, it does not make it acceptable to treat you badly.
It is important that you do not take it personally when he treats you like this, it is HIS problem not yours, you can only change how YOU respond.

[WendyAussie]

It sounds like paranoia and maybe psychosis. However, those things are not only ascribable to Bipolar (which I have). They can come with many other mental illnesses. He definitely needs a psych evalaution. If he sees a psychiatrist and gets a diagnosis, even a prelimminary one (it can take a lot of time and effort for a psychiatrist to get a correct diagnosis, let alone the right medicstions) and starts on meds there one critical thing. He MUST seee a therapist and start going through psychotherpay - it is critical that along with medication comes psychotherpy. I wasn't told this for YEARS and was only receiving therapy from the psychiatrists I saw and some of them are good therapists, some not (mainly not in my experience). So seeing a therapist/psychologist is critical.

At the same time as all this - your own mental health is at stake. He may never do any of what I just suggested - you cannot make him. The severe nature of what he is saying to you could be having an impact on your own mental health and you seeing a therapist yourself could be a really good idea.

[Numbersaremylife]

Originally Posted by FeelingSad

Numbersaremy life , I Totally understand what you are going through, you read my mind!
Im doing the same thing! How are you ?

Hi Feeling Sad,
Some days are better than others but we both are realizing that the behavior isn't working for our relationship. I am actually seeking counseling for myself to try and put my head on straight because my heart and my head tell me two different things sometimes. I've never cared about anyone more in my life and just want what's best for him but i'm miserable when i'm away from him. I've mentioned couples counseling and but I need to get myself in a good place first. How are you handling your situation??

[Numbersaremylife]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I have made an appointment to seek counseling for myself so I appreciate your support and advice. I realize I can 't help him without helping myself first.

[Numbersaremylife]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Bipolar can play out a bit differently for different people, though there is much common ground. That's the preface to say that I see myself somewhat in these behavioral descriptions, but some differences too. Probably the biggest one is the flipping out, then being overcome with remorse and self-loathing. Over-analyzing, yes. But with the difference that I very rarely verbalize it. Ok. Correction. I don't on the more paranoid things, but on decision-making, oh yes. Like... "well, if I do this, then this, but what if? yeah, but it *could*, and then what?!" version of overanalyzing (which drives my BF right up a wall ). On the paranoid stuff, I tend to keep that inside, because I know if I say it out loud, I'll be told I'm being ridiculous. But I don't think I am. (But yes, I probably am.) Circumstantial flip-switch? Yup. Oh. Right. And you asked about meds and if they can help control the thoughts. For me, yes. Not necessarily eliminate, but definitely help.

Kadesgirl makes a good point on the GP. While I agree that any psychiatric evaluation should be by a specialist (ie. not a GP), a GP is a good first step to rule out other causes for things that could cause bipolar-like symptoms, but aren't BP. The book Bipolar for Dummies (Chapter 4) gives a good overview of some of those.(And I recommend the book in general too -- highly readable and even with a dash of humor.)

Does he have depression? I ask because the things you mention seem to center on outburst type things. Assuming a GP doesn't find anything, a psychiatrist may have other thoughts on his behaviors. BP has specific criteria which he may or may not meet. There are also personality things that may be going on. Some of the stuff you mention sounds a bit possessive to me. Maybe I'm way off base here, just throwing it out there. Whatever it is that's going on, it's definitely a good idea to look into it through professionals, because the way things are currently really isn't working.

Good luck to you and in getting him to get it checked out. (the above insight has been helpful for me --seeing that the "current strategy really isn't working". Maybe he can acknowledge that. Wouldn't approach it in a moment of heat though.) Good luck!

Thanks for your advice. His older brother and sister have both dealt with depression off and on throughout their lives and I know his sister is currently back on medication. She is a huge support system and also recognizes he needs help also. I'm glad to hear medication has helped you, it gives me hope that it could possibly help him too if BP is what he is dealing with.

[FeelingHopeful]

Hi Numbers, I can understand, Have sorta been in asimiliar spot, like you, i have never cared about anyone more in my life than my friend too. Like you, I also am not positive exactly what he has, though i know hes struggling with something. Couples counseling sounds excellent, How did he like the idea? I was thinking of maybe double therapy for my friend and i also. Im doing ok, like you, some tough days, some good days, but i know i have to take care of myself first in order to help someone else, you mentioned he has been struggling for a bit, did you notice his symptons more when you started dating or were they there when you were friends first?

[Numbersaremylife]

Originally Posted by FeelingSad

Hi Numbers, I can understand, Have sorta been in asimiliar spot, like you, i have never cared about anyone more in my life than my friend too. Like you, I also am not positive exactly what he has, though i know hes struggling with something. Couples counseling sounds excellent, How did he like the idea? I was thinking of maybe double therapy for my friend and i also. Im doing ok, like you, some tough days, some good days, but i know i have to take care of myself first in order to help someone else, you mentioned he has been struggling for a bit, did you notice his symptons more when you started dating or were they there when you were friends first?

I definately didn't see any signs before we started dating and it took many months for the first signs to show but I just thought since I was his first real girlfriend, he was adjusting to the change and than the issues would disappear once he realized I wasn't going to hurt him. I met with a counselor yesterday and she was extremely helpful, I had mentioned the idea to my boyfriend of going together and right now I'm not sure if he's open enough to the idea but I will continue going alone to make sure I stay sane. She helped me identify some reasons why we struggle with this certain area in our relationship and she assured me it wasn't my fault. I am very lucky to have the support of his family and they are pushing the idea of counseling or seeing a doctor to him as well. I guess right now only time will tell. Keep your head up and know your not alone! I'm here to talk with anytime.

[blueoctober]

He is very lucky to have such a caring girlfriend Numbersaremylife. Keep us posted and I wish you all the best.

If he does get diagnosed with Bipolar, I would recommend the book "Living with Someone who is Living with Bipolar Disorder" by Chelsea Lowe. It was published this year and is a very good book.

[Numbersaremylife]

Originally Posted by blueoctober

He is very lucky to have such a caring girlfriend Numbersaremylife. Keep us posted and I wish you all the best.

If he does get diagnosed with Bipolar, I would recommend the book "Living with Someone who is Living with Bipolar Disorder" by Chelsea Lowe. It was published this year and is a very good book.

Thank you! I am currently finishing the book, "Loving someone who's Bipolar" and it has been extremely helpful but thank you for the tip! I will put it on my "to buy" list.

[FeelingHopeful]

I bought that too! Great Book !

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by Numbersaremylife

Thank you! I am currently finishing the book, "Loving someone who's Bipolar"

That book is very good too, but between the two of them I like Chelsea's book better. It also was published in 2010, so the info is more up to date.