[Shadowghost]

I don't want to upset anyone else, but I've been very suicidal lately. Haven't called a hotline or a councellor, because I don't want anyone trying to talk me out of this. If I choose to not hurt myself, it'll be because I didn't want to, not because someone else convinced me not to. The idea doesn't scare me any more. I'm not feeling particularly depressed, either. I don't feel anything, really.

[sugahorse1]

Shadow - do you have a pdoc to phone?
I know you don't want to be talked out of it, but I don't think that is true. Else you would not have posted here.
You know you don't want to do this. You want someone to stop you. And I'm right here telling you NOT TO!
Think about all the things you have not yet done in your life. Think about how the people in your life will feel. I've tried to OD, unsuccessfully, and I had to face my friends and family.
They take strain and blame themselves - I know you are not prepared to put your family through this.

[Fresia]

Sugahorse is absolutely correct. Also contacting someone is your choice, just as you have posted here, you have that power in your life. Make that call to the counsellor or pdoc, you are worth it!

[blueoctober]

This can be part of the illness for me as well and I agree with everyone else to contact your pdoc, crisis line etc. etc. Based on your post I would even suggest going inpatient. I am so, so, so glad that I wasn't successful and had wished I had told someone what was going on. Please don't suffer in silence, the illness is lying to you.

[vjdragonfly]

Shadowghost I know the thought can be tentalizing, but I agree with everyone else. Please call someone and get help. These thoughts are coming from your illness and you can overcome them. Don't let it get the best of you.

[Shadowghost]

Thank you, everyone, for your concern. I don't know what to make of things right now, one minute I'm up, the next I'm down, and the rapid see-sawing of my emotions can be overwhelming sometimes. I know I'm a rapid cycler, I've known ever since I was diagnosed as bipolar II, but you never get used to the rapidity of the shifts of emotion. Sometimes I swear it feels like I'm losing my mind. I don't like talking to shrinks, though. They all talk down to you, patronize you. They assume you're dumb, that you know nothing about the illness, and they always fill up your head with all the standard cliches about feeling the way you do, about how you need to not let the illness think for you, etc., etc. I hate that. You can't get away from it, though. Right now, my thinking is clear, my emotions aren't shifting, and I feel embarrassed about my original post, but this is normal. I'll get over the embarrassment. Again, thank you to everyone for the concern shown. I hope the crisis is over. I think it is, but you never can tell.

[Fresia]

It was good you reached out in the moment, no matter what you may be regretting now, never regret. It is SO important, no matter the mood or shift to know your providers are there for you and we are too. I am a rapid cycler myself and truly understand, getting frustrated with the speedy shifts too.

You mentioned the way some of your providers speak to you. I would consider talking to them about how they speak to you or consider getting someone new. They don't all speak this way but I too have had ones that have and know where you are coming from. It is worth finding someone you can be open with and respected. You deserve it. Hang in there!!

[blueoctober]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. Please don't be embarrassed of your post, many of us and myself included have been in your place as well.

I agree with Fresia. I have experienced that from mental health providers, but I have also found caring individuals. They are like any other profession, some are great, some are average and some suck s***! It's just a matter of trying until you find someone that is a good fit for you.

[BNLsMOM]

I only just saw this post. I hope you are feeling better Shadowghost. I was in that place you spoke of in your original post many times and have been embarrassed after reaching out for help.

I think you got great advice from others so I have nothing really to add other than you aren't alone. If you end up feeling unsafe, head to your local ER. I have done it several times and it has prevented me from attempting.

[Shadowghost]

Thank you, everyone. You've all given me good advice, given me support, and understanding. I hope I can return the favor. There is one thing that helped me quite a bit, with dealing with my mood swings and with life in general, but I stopped doing it. Journaling. I may take it up again. Sometimes I read over old journal entries, and it's like looking at a completely different person. Sometimes that's good, sometimes not so good, but it's always enlightening. I would recommend journaling to everyone, because even when your thoughts scare you, writing things down is very therapeutic, cathartic even. Sometimes putting pen or pencil to paper is the only way to stop whatever thoughts are in your mind, stop obsessing over them, sometimes it's just nice to have a little conversation with yourself. I find writing to be much, much better, than typing on a keyboard. It's natural in a way that typing isn't, organic, if that makes sense. I think everyone should journal, whether they have psychiatric problems or not. It's definitely one way to get in touch with yourself in an age when so many people spend a great deal of time escaping from themselves by watching TV, or surfing the 'net. Anyway, I'm rambling on here, so let me say again, thanks to everyone for replying to my post. It has helped me, when nothing else was helping. I love you all!!

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by Shadowghost

I would recommend journaling to everyone, because even when your thoughts scare you, writing things down is very therapeutic, cathartic even. Sometimes putting pen or pencil to paper is the only way to stop whatever thoughts are in your mind, stop obsessing over them, sometimes it's just nice to have a little conversation with yourself.

I totally agree shadow!

[Anneinside]

Originally Posted by Shadowghost

Thank you, everyone. You've all given me good advice, given me support, and understanding. I hope I can return the favor. There is one thing that helped me quite a bit, with dealing with my mood swings and with life in general, but I stopped doing it. Journaling. I may take it up again. Sometimes I read over old journal entries, and it's like looking at a completely different person. Sometimes that's good, sometimes not so good, but it's always enlightening. I would recommend journaling to everyone, because even when your thoughts scare you, writing things down is very therapeutic, cathartic even. Sometimes putting pen or pencil to paper is the only way to stop whatever thoughts are in your mind, stop obsessing over them, sometimes it's just nice to have a little conversation with yourself. I find writing to be much, much better, than typing on a keyboard. It's natural in a way that typing isn't, organic, if that makes sense. I think everyone should journal, whether they have psychiatric problems or not. It's definitely one way to get in touch with yourself in an age when so many people spend a great deal of time escaping from themselves by watching TV, or surfing the 'net. Anyway, I'm rambling on here, so let me say again, thanks to everyone for replying to my post. It has helped me, when nothing else was helping. I love you all!!

I agree with you, writing a journal is better than typing one. The major reason for me is that my handwriting changes with my moods and it helps me "see" my mood state. Also very interesting when I look back in the journal.