[leah0306]

A pill to make you sane... thats what i want, stability, being able to get up face the day...accomplish things, have a job, be the mother i WANT to be for my daughter... a soccer mom, just damn normal I contribute nothing to the family finances, my child is seven and told me afew days ago that "mommy should get a job, then we could have a nicer car", god she seven and sees that im a loser, i dont choose to be this way, lack of energy, moody(despite all the meds im on) and not fully functional...what the hell is wrong with me? I stay miserable thinking of how i wish things were, how if i could function as many people do, we would have a much better standard of living, my illnesses, bipolar, anxiety, lupus keep me focused on myself really, tracking the many dr. appts., swallowing enough medication to kill a horse for gods sake... im so tired most of the time and resentful,... my existince is disgusting to me, waiting 4 years to be approved for disability, 4 yars of my husband working two jobs, of sitting in this house for 4 years, im pretty isolated from others, by choice, because i find it difficult to maintain friendships-so draining and im not that dependable- my life is purposeless but for the care of my daughter and im basically doing the essentials, i dont make play dates because of social anxiety, its sickening, she deserves way more than i can provide,...WTF is wrong with me??

[mommasuesue]

I dont know what to say hon !
im in the same boat

[sugahorse1]

Leah and Momma - hang in there. We did not choose to be in this position and as long as we are doing the best we can, then that is an achievement in itself.
You still have a purpose in life; you just need to find it.
Keep working with your pdoc and get that med combo up to an ideal standard to have a quality of life.
Leah - you know you are doing the best you can for your daughter. Love her with her all your soul and might and don't be so hard on yourself. A 7 year old can also not yet understand the gravity and debilitating effects of mental illness.
Hugs to you both

[leah0306]

thank you for replying to my post... i wondered if anyone would, i tend to be such a downer lol thank you for the encouragement, it means alot

[cocos421]

leah, I felt the same way a few years ago. I know how frustrated you must feel. Have you been approved for disability yet? when I was finally approved, things started looking up for me. With the extra income, I took an allowance out for myself and was able to go shopping with my daughter and buy us things and just have fun.
I have finally found the right med combo and really feel good now. I've been stable for two months. I actually think the wintertime makes me depressed.
Don't let your daughter bug you. Kids are kids and just want to impress their freinds with fancy things. I purposly take my daughter places in our dumpy truck rather than the nice one or the sportscar and it really upsets her.
You're certainly not a loser, you just haven't found the right medicine to work for you. Be patient. It can and will happen. I am living proof. I can tell you my story about how low things were, but you know we all went, or are going through it. hang in there, hon.