Figured it out...

So... I've been very numb lately. It's not an unfamiliar space by any means, but this is (for it is inaccurate to even say "feels") far more extreme. Typically when I'm depressed, there's a lot of rumination, "seeing" things in my mind and I actively feel... it's kind of hard to describe, but it's very visceral, like... silently screaming into the void. Pain. Despair. This is not like that. It's clearly some kind of depression, but I realized that I'm having a very hard time ranking it on my mood charts. It's like I can't even feel it enough to gauge it. I've been trying to define this state, and mostly I've come up with: Defeated. Invisible. Non existant. But this morning it became a bit clearer. I'm overwhelmed, yet underwhelmed. Nothing seems real anymore and my mind has disengaged.
I realized I've lost even desperation.

Perhaps even any grip on reality. I've lost sense of where it is anymore. But then I'm not sure. What is the delusion? Is there one? With ruminations, I can sometimes catch the illness part of my brain in action, and try with any remaining logical bits to battle it. Rarely succesfully, but I try. I don't know what I'd aim at anymore or which parts are real. Or what they're even saying in there. The grip is so tenuous, perception so fleeting it's hard to focus enough to hear it. So this morning, in one of those moments, this realization, the lack of even desperation, became clear, so here it is. I can usually respond to others' things (IRL too), but my own? They're such a vapor.

I have an appointment with an NMHNP (psych nurse practitioner, it's the best I could do, inexpressibly frustrating details written elsewhere) on August 10. I was seeing this as a very small light, but now I don't even care.

(Wasn't sure whether to put a trigger icon on this post. The momentary clarity, at least enough to describe this in some kind of detail (which is so ironic), might be problematic, so...)

I know that 'state' of being. You describe it well. A kind of 'non existance'. Being in a place of nothingness. No feelings but just a consciousness of being. Detached but aware at the same time. A state of nothing. So unfamiliar you find yourself just waiting and wondering with no clue how to respond.

Trying to recall what I do during those states I think I try to go with the flow and not press myself to find a familiar symptom that I can 'treat'. Like most time of unbalance I take myself to my garden. To the arms of Mother Earth and the natural world. In some ways it is like experiencing a drug induced high of sorts that isn't really a high but it is a detachment from reality so it feels somewhat like a stone.

It may help to tell yourself that it will pass. You will care again. Feelings will come back. Maybe let yourself enjoy the break from over feeling everything. You will be okay. You are not likely to do much of anything let alone cause yourself harm. Take the day off and let it run its course. You may feel fuzy for a while when your mood shifts again. Just take it slow and easy. Maybe sleep if you can and if it starts to make you feel anxious or worried. Likely you won't but you will wonder why you don't.

You are not alone. You will be okay. I hope I offered something to reassure you. I think I know what you are dealing with and if it is like what I experience now and then it will pass. You may even envy this time when other times are in hypo or hyper mode. Take good care.

Innerzone - you've captured this state of being very accurately. Well done!
I don't know where to classify these states, but I'd just be very cautious and ensure I don't land in deep depression. Hang in there (You know this is not going to last indefinitely) and keep checking in with us.

Do things that make you happy, things that stimulate you