[sanityseeker]

I smashed my $1500. lap top to bits. I just lost it. It wouldn't boot up properly and I just couldn't take another stressor and before I knew it I was smashing it on the floor until it flew apart.Too many things one on top of the other. I couldn't cope anymore.

First thing this morning I went searching through an old truck looking for my mother's will. My brother needs it and my aunt thinks I have a copy. My mother passed away 28 years ago but I said I would look.

I haven't opened that truck for years and years. It is full of old family pics and my old journals. I made the mistake of reading some of them. Every where I opened one of them was another horror story. Reminders of things better forgotten. I knew it wasn't good for me but what I did read began to haunt me.

Leaving everything out of the truck I went into my office to check old boxes stored in a closet. I came across old work files. Reminders of days when I was productive. It was all very dated and I knew it was crazy for me to keep hanging on to them. I started to go through them and throw them away. It was heart breaking. Every time I threw something away it felt like I was riping out a piece of my heart.

I knew I should stop and take a break but I was afraid I had already gone too long and if I stopped I was going to loose it. I pulled myself away anyways to make some lunch and escape to the garden. I didn't make it there before my son pressed me to take him up town. I should have put him off but I didn't. Instead I delayed taking care of myself.

The phone rang for my son after we made it back home and we were having lunch. He was offered a job but he declined because he was hoping for a different job instead. I was livid but couldn't say a word because I couldn't let myself get worked up about anything more. I knew I was on the edge of exploding or melting down and if I opened my mouth I would regret it.

After lunch I still wasn't ready to go back to the messes of paper piles I had made and thought it would be good to come on line for a while. I probably should have gone to the garden to have a quiet time to settle myself down but instead I ended up loosing it and destroying my laptap and few other things in my room before falling on my bed clawing at myself, punching at the wall and walling uncontrollably.

I am a mess and now so is my house and I still am no closer to that will.

[BNLsMOM]

I am sorry you went through so much today. It is still a good idea to take care of yourself. Can you start tomorrow in the garden?

[sanityseeker]

Thanks. Yes, I will start in the garden tomorrow. I was just out there now for a bit but the wind is very loud today. It wasn't relaxing to be out there. I am still so on edge and too tired to do the work of settling myself down. My son is locked in his room. Just as well. I am too embarassed to look at him right now.

The timing of this is so so bad too. My ex is due to arrive for a few days on Saturday. I have been in good shape up till now. He is expecting me to have a dozen shirts made for him to sell for me and I haven't even cut them out yet. He won't be impressed. Nor am I feeling like I am going to be in any shape to have him around right now. It has been more than a year since he has been for a visit. Friends are also do for a dinner while he is here. I never socialize but thought since I was doing well that I would be up for it.

I need to not think about so many things right now. I need to pull back and breath and regroup somehow. Do the work. Reframe my brain.

I need the wind to stop so I can go back outside. I can't stand to look at all the messes I have made and I am too wasted to try to clean it all up. What I would give to be able to just zone out for a while.

I will be okay. I will work myself back to sanity here eventually. I just needed to babble for a while. Let it out so I can let it go and try again. I am just so dissappointed with myself and so sick and tired of being a nut job. It is what it is I guess.

[BlackPup]

Sanity seeker, Here is some relaxation and some hugs for you
I am sorry you are in such a bad place. I am hoping that the wind will stop so that you can get the relaxation and space that you need.
Take care of yourself and don't push yourself past what you can do.
If you can't face the mess of papers, could you ask a friend or you son to throw it all in a box to deal with after you get through your ex's visit?

[perpetuallysad]

Well, as far as the laptop, unless you are genie or something it's over and done with. It sucks, but hey, its better than hurting yourself more than you already did. I hate for you to feel so very upset right now. I wish there were something I could do to help you. I really like you and I just hurt to know that you are hurting like you are.

As far as the ex coming to town: First off, you don't have to impress him. Ok, you didn't finish the shirts. It's not the end of the world. Maybe you could spend some quite time tomorrow working on one or two--IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT. Otherwise, oh well, he doesn't get the shirts. It's OK.

Don't be embarrassed about things you do in front of your son. He's plenty old enough to understand you are under distress and you coped with a situation badly, but that's ok too. He may be "locked" in his room because he feels you want space. Maybe tomorrow you could break down some of the things that need to be done before his father (I'm assuming your ex is his dad) comes to town. This way everything isn't put on you and he can feel like he's helping you, which I am sure will make him feel better. I know when I am in breakdown mode, even my 9 year old knows something's wrong and he always tries to do things he thinks would please me. Maybe giving him some tasks that will help you and get you two working together without the "embarrassment" stuff will help you both feel better about the situation. Maybe while you are preparing for the dinner party, the two of you can talk about things while doing the work? Obviously you don't need to tell him EVERYTHING, but you could talk about breaking the laptop and how it made you feel badly in retrospect, but that you were just incredibly frustrated at the moment. I'm sure he's done similar things (if not to that extent), I bet everyone has.

And last of all (for my novel length response), YOU ARE OK. You are a good person and you seem to be struggling really hard right now. I know you don't do meds, but I cannot remember if you have a therapist or not. If you don't and you want someone to chat with/talk to, please feel free to pm me. I would be more than happy to listen to any ranting you want to get out without being judgmental in the least bit.

ps

Originally Posted by sanityseeker

Thanks. Yes, I will start in the garden tomorrow. I was just out there now for a bit but the wind is very loud today. It wasn't relaxing to be out there. I am still so on edge and too tired to do the work of settling myself down. My son is locked in his room. Just as well. I am too embarassed to look at him right now.

The timing of this is so so bad too. My ex is due to arrive for a few days on Saturday. I have been in good shape up till now. He is expecting me to have a dozen shirts made for him to sell for me and I haven't even cut them out yet. He won't be impressed. Nor am I feeling like I am going to be in any shape to have him around right now. It has been more than a year since he has been for a visit. Friends are also do for a dinner while he is here. I never socialize but thought since I was doing well that I would be up for it.

I need to not think about so many things right now. I need to pull back and breath and regroup somehow. Do the work. Reframe my brain.

I need the wind to stop so I can go back outside. I can't stand to look at all the messes I have made and I am too wasted to try to clean it all up. What I would give to be able to just zone out for a while.

I will be okay. I will work myself back to sanity here eventually. I just needed to babble for a while. Let it out so I can let it go and try again. I am just so dissappointed with myself and so sick and tired of being a nut job. It is what it is I guess.

[sanityseeker]

Well miracle of miracles my son got my laptop working. It is worse for the punishment but it works. The screen hing is kind of loose but otherwise it works. Who would have thought! I guess all the peices that scattered went back into place. They are tougher then I thought. He kept telling me that when he said he could fix it and I insisted it was a lost cause and not to waste his time.
You were right Perpetualsad.... he was just giving me space to cool down. After I went to his room to apologize I went for a walk to the river. When I got back he had the labtop working and dinner cooking. He is such a sweet heart. It also turned out I had misunderstood the job business so all is well on that front too.

I will take your advice and talk with him about his dad's visit. I am sure he will help me out. He already said he would help me get all the papers to the recycle depot tomorrow.

Thank you BlackPup. Fortunately the wind did settle down so I made it outside afterall. I feel much better but like my poor laptop I am a little worse for the episode. I am not going to look anymore for my mother's will. My brother will just have to figure something else out.

YOu are right Perpetuallysad.... I don't take meds and it has been pretty hairy lately. I used to have a therapist but he took a leave to adopt a child and his replacement didn't work out for me so I didn't go back after our first meeting. No other options without travelling an hour out of town. It took me a long time to open up and I haven't been willing to try again. I was waiting for him to come back but I found out a couple of months ago that he isn't coming back at all. His replacement is still there and still not an option for me.

I appreciate your offer to let me rant at you on occassion. It helps to let it out when it gets to overload like today. Been having a lot of these days lately.

Thanks for being here with me my friends. I am doing okay now. The mess is out of sight and I am sitting back watching So You Think You Can Dance. Tonight I rest and tomorrow will take care of itself.

(((((( sanityseeker ))))))

[sanityseeker]

Thank you Byz. I appreciate how you keep an eye on me.

[sugahorse1]

Hope things are looking better today.
I know that rage that flares up, everything is a stressor and you ge so frustrated at yourself for just not being able to keep it together.
Hang in there and pamper yourself - you are being the best person you can be...

[sanityseeker]

Thanks Suga. I plan to play it really safe today. Flipping the to do list face down and focusing on all things peaceful. Wishing you well today too.

[sugahorse1]

thanks Sanity. one small step at a time, one feel-good thing at a time and as much sleep as possible

[Shakti]

What an awful rough day. Those were definitely a lot of stressors to deal with....

I hope today is astronomically better.

[sugahorse1]

You really did have an awful lot to go through - do you have a T to talk to with regards to such major triggers?
Or a close friend you can lean on?
Thinking of you xxx

[mommasuesue]

(((((((((((sanityseeker))))))))))))))))) I know how it feels to blow up and go off but im glad your going to play it safe today . Look in the mirror and tell yourself I love you !

[sanityseeker]

Thanks everyone.... suga, shakti and momma. I slept decently last night and then started the day in the garden with some quiet meditation before doing the rounds with water. The plants are ever so grateful for the drinks these days.

It was a taxing day and I am deliberately lightening my load today though the pressure to do do do to ready the place to perfection for guests is a nagging issue. I will do my best to compromise with the perfectionist. A few I loves you is the mirror do sound like a good idea momma. You know when you need it when it feels difficult to do.

No suga I have no therapist nor a friend or family member I want to burden with this or gets it well enough that I would talk to about anything like this. I would either worry and upset them or they would upset me with thier lack of understanding. I talk to you guys instead.

Hope you all have a good day.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by sanityseeker

No suga I have no therapist nor a friend or family member I want to burden with this or gets it well enough that I would talk to about anything like this. I would either worry and upset them or they would upset me with thier lack of understanding. I talk to you guys instead.

Sanityseeker, I struggle with this as well, but I don't think you would feel someone was a "burden" if they opened up to you with what was going on with them. It's important for us all to have face to face contact with others. Online support sites can be great, but they can't replace human interaction.

If you don't have anyone you can trust to be understanding a therapist can definitely fill that role. I hope things are going better for you.

[sanityseeker]

Good point Blue. I agree. Human interaction is preferable. I guess like most things its a question of balance. I suspect in large part because I was let down by people so much when I needed them I learned to not lean on people. I became the giver but not the receiver. I was the go to person for anyone who had a problem that needed fixing but I never asked for any of the same kindnesses back. I became a master at evasion should anyone try to comfort or help me when I was exhibiting a symptom. My life was a closed book.

I think what happens when you live your life that way you tend to attract people who prefer to take and not give. Times when I would attempt to lean did not go well. Their patience with me wained pretty quickly. I received a lot of lip service but not much substance behind the rhetoric. To be fair I probably didn't make it easy for them. My efforts to open up would still be guarded behind a wall of defensive fear. I didn't make it easy for people to care about me. I would avoid people I may have in a moment of weakness disclosed something. The vulnerability frightened me.

My family recently has reached out to me and offered to be supportive. They want to understand what this bi polar is all about and how it impacts my life. They want to be here for me and make things easier for me. Part of me wants to trust them but their history with sticking through hard times isn't very encouraging. They abandoned me before when I was the only one left to care for my mother. I know the final demonstration of forgiveness is for me to trust them to do better with me this time but I am still hesitant.

My sister has been around a bit the last little while. She sent a 'how are you' email last night. I was tempted to offer the non answer reassurances but I decided I would test the waters instead. I recounted some of my weeks lesser moments to show her how rocky the road can get. That probably wasn't fair now that I think about it. Showing her the uglies isn't the same as asking for help. It isn't like I give her some clue as to how she can support me. That is what they have been asking lately.

They had a secret meeting a week or so ago. The purpose was to talk about how they can help me. What can they do to support me. The news of the meeting didn't sit well with me at first but then I thought I should be touched at least that they seemed to care enough to want to help. Pushing my fears and doubts aside to give their express of love and concern validity I still hit a blank when asked to answer that for them.

When I am in crisis a part of me wants to pick up the phone and talk to someone but then I don't because I don't want to cause them pain. They can't really do anything to help me. I just have to whether the storm until it passes. It just seems like unnecessary cruelty to expose them to my ugly moments.

Anyways.... sorry for the babbling. I guess I am really trying to sort this all out right now. Not reaching out to people has become so much my norm for most of my 56 years of life that I don't really know how to do it differently. A part of me knows I should and that there are people who will listen and care. I just really don't know how. I think I know that the hurts that caused me to close down to people could still be opened up and I really don't want to go there. I just don't feel well enough to go there. A bit of a catch 22 I guess.

Geesh... there I go rambling some more. Clearly I have issues. lol.

I appreciate your comments blue. They are definately on target with where things are with me currently. Wishing you well.

[blueoctober]

Sanityseeker, I can totally relate with what you posted. I have had the same pattern in my life and I have been working on it with my Psychologist. It just got to the point that I just needed to try and put myself out there. Was it successful all the time? Unfortunately no, but I have found 2 people (other than my Psychologist) that I have been able to have a healthy give and take relationship.

I think part of the issue is I got too good at putting on the facade. Growing up in my family I learned at a very young age that no one was there to take care of me, so I learned to just stuff any feelings I had. When I was admitted to the Psych hospital at 31, all of my friends were shocked because I was the "strong one", the one with everything together. In reality I was a mess and it nearly killed me.

[sanityseeker]

We seem to have walked a lot of the same walk through life Blue. Thank you for sharing some of your story with me and for encouraging me to try to put myself out there going forward. I know intellectually what I need to do but emotionally I am so tentative. Perhaps I am getting closer to taking the risk. I know I will survive and who knows something just might work out. It would be nice to have someone to call to talk me down now and then.

I should be willing to trust my family. They have seen me at my best and my worst my whole life. My dx may only be a decade old but my BP behaviours have gone on a lot longer. They have seen a lot already.

Thanks again. I appreciate you sharing your wisdom with me.

Wishing you a bright sun shiny day inside and out. Take good care.

Originally Posted by blueoctober

I think part of the issue is I got too good at putting on the facade. Growing up in my family I learned at a very young age that no one was there to take care of me, so I learned to just stuff any feelings I had.

Ho.ly.Cow. THIS. And like sanityseeker was saying, when you do it for so many years, it gets to be an ingrained reflex. The facade. Yes. Learned it early, learned it well. Too well. And besides the social implications, I've found that mentally it's had major repercussions as well. When one is diagnosed so late, had so little interaction with any mental health resources/system *and* a really hardcore facade? People tend to think it must not be so serious. Like somehow you haven't hit the unspoken "markers". Your paper trail is insufficient. Outside of outside, which is an extremely lonely place to be. (and another reason I love the forums so.)

But WHY is this so? How did this come to be? Facade, facade, facade. Never reaching out no matter how bad it got, denial, self-blame, all the "unpleasantries" of living with what was deemed my clearly defective self swept under the rug by everyone around me? Yeah. That. And so much was me, convinced that I was just a horrible person and not even worthy of help. So when others turned their backs, I just assumed they were right to do so. Help is something one gets when one has people that give a damn enough or when they think enough of themselves to do it. Basically, it's bitten me in the *** and created a lot of wasted years when I could've gotten help. It's definitely not that it wasn't really bad, it was just soooo in the closet. (And more than a little luck not being hauled in over any public flip out.)

Sanityseeker, rambling-schmabling. I don't know how to do it any differently either. Too many years of "practice". Catch-22 indeed.

[sanityseeker]

Hi Innerzone. Thanks for joining the discussion that seems to have come out of my account of a bad day.

I wonder if we shouldn't just abandon the Why questions and move courageously into the What Now. We may already know enough of the whys and still even face them day in and day out one way or another.

I was very slow off the mark going for medical attention for what eventually got packaged as bi polar. Suicide attempts aside not much of my erratic behaviours were taken very seriously. People enjoyed my mania and chalked my depressions to burn out because I pushed myself so hard when I was flying high. No one knew about bi polar or manic depression as it was called years ago. It wasn't until my thyroid went out of wack that my doctor put two and two together. But it doesn't much matter to me what it is called or what all the compliimentary disorders that fit my profile are named, treatment is still difficult and with rapid cycling my norm everyday offers its own issues to manage.

Today it is hyper anxiety that has a grip on me. I am exhausted from the effort of keeping it under control. I go from one relaxation exercise to another. One quiet contemplation to another. One tried and true anti anxiety trick after the other. It is wearing me out but if I loose focus it will get out of hand.

Thinking about this discussion I am challenged to consider how could someone help me cope instead of me doing what I do alone. Would it help to talk to someone? Would it help if someone came over and distracted me for a while? How could someone help me manage coping with all this anxiety.

It is the thought of my ex arriving sometime today or tomorrow that is partially feeding the anxiety. The need to perform when I am cycling so much these days has me quite anxious. He can be very supportive but he can also be very unsupportive. I never know what to expect. I should be sewing some shirts he is expecting me to have ready for him but I just don't feel up to it these days. One thing or another keeps getting in my way.

It is the thought of people coming for dinner while my ex is visiting that is also adding to my feelings of anxiety. I hate it when I make plans. I usually don't but that day I was feeling good and the invitation just slipped out.

How do I learn to lean on people when all I every really want to do is avoid people. When the thought of being around people sets off anxiety. Back to the catch 22 explanation.

If I answer people honestly when they ask how I am doing or how I am feeling I too often get those answers like 'Oh I get that way sometimes, you should just.....' Then I feel like crap since their remedy doesn't seem to work for me and the conclusion is that I am self absorbed and like to feel sorry for myself or I blow things out of preportion and make mountains out of mole hills. And if yI dare to drop the bi polar word their eyes pop wide and they back away as though they worry I might slit their throat or something. Pleeease people.... leave me alone!!

Still I guess a part of me wants to hold out hope and open myself up to the possibility that there just might be one or two people in my life, like Blue found in hers, that do care enough and can somehow be of help to me. It seems a journey I am being confronted with to take.

Asking for help may be hard and a break from the learned norm but like Blue says if the tables were turned we'd be right there to offer a helping hand so we should trust that there will be people there for us if we take the step towards them.

Keep on keepin on Innerzone.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

How did this come to be? Facade, facade, facade. Never reaching out no matter how bad it got, denial, self-blame, all the "unpleasantries" of living with what was deemed my clearly defective self swept under the rug by everyone around me? Yeah.

Innerzone, very well put. It's incredibly confusing to others if we put on a front of having it together all the time and never show our vulnerable side. Part of the issue is I'm highly sensitive to others moods, and emotions and I assumed that others were the same way. Most people are not! So for me I couldn't understand why no one would reach out to me when I wasn't well because I was the first to do that for others......It's a work in progress!

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by sanityseeker

Thinking about this discussion I am challenged to consider how could someone help me cope instead of me doing what I do alone. Would it help to talk to someone? Would it help if someone came over and distracted me for a while? How could someone help me manage coping with all this anxiety.

If I answer people honestly when they ask how I am doing or how I am feeling I too often get those answers like 'Oh I get that way sometimes, you should just.....' Then I feel like crap since their remedy doesn't seem to work for me

Sanityseeker, I agree that it's tough knowing who can handle what's going on and perhaps the first step is talking to a therapist.

I soooooo hear you with the "you should just do this, that". It's very innocent and most likely comes from a place of caring. Prior to being diagnosed I would read every self help book to "fix" me and nothing ever worked. My friend at the time would say just "live in the moment". I felt like a total failure because I couldn't fix me. There is a difference between mild and major depression and for many people he or she cannot understand it until they have experienced it. I recently cut off a long term friendship because she told me that she was "tired of her husband's depression and either he could get on board with life or she would live it without him" The final nail in the coffin of our friendship was when she declared she believed her husband felt "superior to everyone else" when he was depressed. Mmmmmm superior yeah I can honestly say that I have never felt that when depressed, but worthlessness definitely! But I digress LOL!

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/men...6/METHOD=print
http://www.mental-health-matters.com...=511&showall=1
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/24080

[sanityseeker]

Thanks Byz.